Need to let go

[littleGTO]

Thanks for your posts AS, Tori, BF, PoN & reb,

I appreciate the insight and advice tremendously. You've all given me a lot to think about.

This is my 3rd IC. I like her approach. She is definitely not directing me toward D. Is she pro-M. Yes. BUt, she is not giving me DBIng-like advice. She is very good at directing me to some excellent resources/books.

Journaling-
Very interesting weekend. Fri was a snow day & we (me & boys were stuck together all alone until late afternoon-no H). It was awesome just to relax and spend the day together!

H cam over & snowblowed the driveway then hobbled in all doubled over. Evidentally he hurt his back and could barely move. I felt bad, as I would have done the driveway myself (or enlisted S14 to do it). He didn't stay long b/c he was in such pain he didn't see any reason to hang around .

Sat he called and said he was in such pain he wasn't going to be able to coach boys' bball games (so I knew he was in serious pain) so we didn't see him all day. Again, the lack of contact made the day relaxing/stress-free for me.

I went ahead and went to my tennis meetup (as my boys are old enough to stay alone for several hours by themselves). It was a lot of fun and I met some very nice people. I am glad I went.

Sun H came over briefly in am and thought he would join me and boys to go see his sister (as she starts chemo this week). But he couldn't even sit in my car w/o being in pain, so I convinced him that this wasn't a good idea for him.

He got out and got into his truck and started to cry. I rolled down my window and asked him if he was in pain or upset? He said "both." He really wanted to be w the boys.

He called me about 5 minutes into my drive and said, "I don't know why I'm calling. I just don't know where I'm supposed to be. I really wanted to see the boys. "

Now I know I probably shouldn't have said this, but I did... " You know you are welcome to come back and be with us." He said, "I know. I appreciate that." Not going to try to interpret that at all.

I called him on the way home as he said he might come back to the house to see the boys but again said he was in too much pain. Boys were disappointed, esp S11, as he likes predictability and hates not seeing his dad.

Clearly he was upset about not seeing boys this w/e. He came to house after boys got home from school and stayed until 8:00. I went to they gym and grocery shopping so I didn't actually spend much time w him. But, I did thank him for doing laundry...

...He made a comment about some new undies I had bought and had gone thru the laundry. "I see you got some new undies. You never got these when we were together."

I just replied that I had bought them for my new low-rise jeans & needed bikinis. (Interesting he commented about this...again, not going to read into this at all.)

PoN. I will have to get the book Power of Now to read. I've heard a lot about it and it sounds like something I need.

Despite the lengthy talk about H on this post (and, BTW, PoN, I DID go a week w/o talking about H here), I have been living day by day and staying in the present more. I am starting to enjoy my boys more (when they aren't driving each other crazy or whining about this or that LOL!).

Thanks again, everyone!