Into The Sunset

[AJM]

Tad, 25 and Antonia gave some great advice. Let that sink in.

As you do that, I wonder about this:

The hate and anger that she still displays is beyond belief.

Really? At this point, I'd have to say that it is not beyond belief. Remember she is hurting, Tad. Not only because of whatever her issues are, but because she is also grieving the loss of the marriage and her best friend. Why do it? I dunno. But if you recall, I have gone through and still see some of the things you do. My ex remarried pretty quickly to the OM. I know that it has NOTHING to do with me, other than perhaps an attempt to try and hurt me and not be lonely. Can you imagine that for a second Tad?? If that is not batchit crazy and just plain sad, I do not know what is. That's trying set yourself on fire to get smoke in somebody's eyes.

But I digress. While you heal that wife-sized hole in your heart, one thing you can't know is, "why?" That's beyond your knowing. But you do know the "what". And I have to ask, if you keep looking at her, do you expect to see differently from her? I think deep down inside you know better. This new her is going to hate and blame etc until she finds a new target to hate, or until she figures it out. My guess is she won't because she can't. That's sad and worth grieving for. For a while. It's past time for that grieving though. It is what it is, and it won't be different.

And you did NOT cause it. You could NOT have done anything different no matter how much she tries to make it about you.

My advice? Stop looking. Stop being surprised by it. Understand that what is, is. Accept that. Accept that you don't want somebody like that in your life. Accept that she is somebody like that, and you deserve better.

And let yourself heal. It hurt. You were wrongly accused. You are better than that and you have suffered long enough. Believe that, brother. No matter what you *could* have done to her, you have suffered long enough for those sins. Don't accept any more than that.

Accept that what is, is. Accept that she is what she is. And you are what you are. It's ok to have grieved like you did. But it's not ok to put your life on hold to continue grieving, and by continuing, you are not letting the better parts of your life in.

Accept. You have nothing to lose by doing so, Tad. And everything to gain.

AJ

[25yearsmlc]

AJM

you might be spot on. Seriously, you really might be. I understand your take on it and I think in your sitch, it makes a lot of sense.

It's just not what my gut says about Tad's wife. I think she thinks she wasn't happy with him and she wants to be happy.

But here's my real question.

So what if she IS happy? Why do we have to HOPE she's not?

It does NOT have to do with him. Not imo. And second, if you are thirsy and you know a specific well near you is dry, do you keep going to THAT well for water?

No, you don't return to dry wells for water when you're thirsty. Find a new well or create one of your own.

And while Tad talks about HER anger, what I hear from him is a lot of the same old. Maybe she's frustrated with that. Who knows?

So, back to you, TAD...

[25yearsmlc]

One last try to reach you Tad...

I went to a workshop I've mentioned somewhere here ("Essential Experience". You really really ought to check out their website. PowerOf Now went to it, as did Autumn Leaves and Navy Guy & they all got a lot out of it. Read PON's latest posts...)


Anyhow, years ago I went. There, I met a woman named Carol.

Carol changed my life b/c she is the most "centered", "at peace within" woman I've ever known. She has tremendous capacity for compassion and deeply felt emotions.

But she has had pain in her life. Yet she's happy. Here is her story as I know it.

Think about it, please...



The day Carol turned 16, her parents gave her a huge catered "Sweet 16" birthday party, with a band and all. Tons of people. Carol's older brother was close to her, and he was to drive down from college for the big party.

On the way to it, he got into a car accident and was killed. The parents were notified during the big party & Carol thought the police were there to quiet the party down. Carol was mortified by the cops at the house.

The parents were bereft but did not know what to do. Rather than announcing the death of their only son to the party, or ending their daughter's big night, they carried on for 2 more hours until the guests had left, only to finally tell Carol why her brother had not arrived....

Years passed, and Carol married a really lovable guy. They had a cute little son, who got Juvenile diabetes at age 5. They said "it's a disease that is manageable...we just have to learn how to manage it, and then teach him."

Then they had a baby girl. At age 3 months she got a cold that went to her lungs and she could not seem to shake it. Damage was done to her lungs and eventually she was put on life support. They were told that she was not going to live.

The doctors said their daughter could not live very long once disconnected to the machine but she would breathe for awhile.

They withdrew life support and Carol held her baby girl in her arms. She suddenly felt the urge to nurse her baby as it "seemed like the natural thing to do".

So she took off her shirt & bra, not caring who saw what. The baby nursed a little vigorously for awhile, then more slowly and then, quietly, & gently, she passed away into the night, in her mother's arms.

I was pregnant when I saw Carol a few months after her d's death. I eventually shared with her that her loss terrified me. I said I felt that it would not be a survivable event for me, except for the fact that we also had a son.

I said, "I'd feel as if life had been a beautiful painting. Then someone threw a big glass of red wine on it and it's ruined forever."

Carol said "No my life isn't ruined. Yes I've had pain in it. But life is more like a tapestry.

If you get close up to it you can see the flaws and the textures and there IS pain...but if you stand back and look at the whole thing, all of it, the textures and flaws actually add dimension & fullness to it.

Pain is just a part of my life, but my life is still very beautiful. I learned to get through the pain and I am so in touch with how much love & laughter and art & music there is in my life. I feel really blessed & lucky."

Carol meant every word. I feel enriched knowing her and people like her.

Tad, Carol is still the happiest woman I know.

She and her h have had HORRIBLE challenges, & big blows to the heart, NOT of their making.

But they carry on HAPPILY. Not goofy happy, but deeply inwardly at peace.

Years later they adopted an Asian girl who is very athletic and seems well adjusted. They had another baby, a boy who is very artistic. Their diabetic son is "managing his disease" in college now.

They live on a farm in Vermont, and eat organic foods and try to "build community", etc.

When I went to the workshop, Carol was on "team" and Carol's parents were attending...they were a little older than I am now. They had lost their son on that birthday and they felt a little guilty for "ruining Carol's 16th birthday" b/c it's also their son's death day.

They care about others so much. I'm not sure but my guess is they don't wallow in their own world of pain. I see their annual FB posts to their late son. Always bittersweet and beautiful.

Man, I don't know about you, but I need people like that^^ in my life.
I want to be like them, but without the horrors...you'd think it would be easier for US, you know. And it should be...

When we are tested, we can come out like forged steel, or we can break.

A broken heart is one of the few tests life gives us, that really does leave it all up to US.

[Raine]

Thank you so much for sharing this, 25. What an inspiration! I think these kinds of moments in life become what defines us, and Carol has had more defining moments than most. Either we get through it or we don't. And if we do, we are always better, stronger, and wiser for it. The strength to over come the trial comes at the end, not the beginning. It is at the end of the trial that we are strong enough to overcome it. It makes us that much stronger for the next one.

[AJM]

That is really awesome, 25. I don't like to post on other people's threads, but I think Tad's ex is much like mine really. Mine has told anyone who would listen how unhappy she was. As recently as this week she made it a point to tell me how much happier she and my daughter are now without me. I don't think I've had anyone in my life try so hard to tell me how happy they are

But the anger and the suddenness that it shows is a shock. I think Tad's shock and pain is taking a bit longer than he would like.

Wonderful story, 25. Tad, again, it's up to you. I know that sounds trite, but we're here trying to convince you to give yourself permission to heal. To be fine without her. To be happy without her or anyone else. Without guilt, remorse, or hesitation.

Not goofy happy, but deeply inwardly at peace.

Cheers,

AJ

[sunshinelewis]

Tad I truly believe the only way you are going get thru this anytime soon is to pretend she is dead.
You, like me and some others, have got to wipe her out COMPLETELY.
It would have taken me alot longer unless I was forced to do this.
Stop asking ANYONE about her. Stop mentioning her to your sons or asking about her.
If your sons need to vent or talk about her, listen but dont get involved. UNLESS their life is at risk.

You have got to do this or you will remain here for a very long time.
It would be even better if you moved far away, but I know that is a stretch and you have children.

Tad I use to think my friends were heartless, but I am sure they were just tired of hearing the same stuff over and over and over.
They wanted me to heal. Sure its hard but at some point you have to stop beating your head against a rock.

You also, like Antonia said, and also like me, are very needy and sounds like you put your marriage above ALL else. That is not healthy. You could not exist without your marriage, or so you thought. It was everything. So its gonna be harder for you.
This is why I say you are gonna have to really cut ties.
Unless you want to be here yrs. from now.

Tad it happens. Divorce happens. MLC happens. People change. Its hard to accept but you HAVE to accept it.

We never thought it would happen to us but it did. You cant make somebody love you or want to be with you. I tried. They have to do that on their own.
Who knows why she got a wild hair. The fact is, she did and wanted out. THIS IS HER LOSS and maybe one day she will figure that out.


AND yes she is angry, but she isnt the first. My ex is angry and I dont know why either. Even after 4 yrs. he is. I am trying not to wonder why anymore. He just is. Thats his prb now. and your ex's too.

Tad you can wallow and wallow or you can move on.
There is life after divorce.
What if you had been married for 40 yrs. and had grandkids? That has happened Tad. We are not the first and sadly we wont be the last.

Now get up and live.

Hugs,
Renee

[tadpole1025]

Thanks everyone.

Antonia, you said:

It always comes back to the above for you. I want you to see how self-centered those statements are, and I think is this part of your problem.

Yes, I suppose it does sound self-centered, but it is how I feel. None of us thought that we would be in this boat. It's just amazing to me how someone can change so much. She says that she doesn't, but it sure seems like she hates me.

Renee, it does help (a little) to think that she is dead and I guess in a way, she is. The woman I was married to is long gone.

I've spent the last 11 months working from home, but today I started training for a new job. It is just a simple retail job, but I must admit that it felt damn good to get out of the house. Maybe I need more of that. I've been kind of isolated from everything and everyone since this went down. It was nice getting out even if it was for work.

Tad

[sunshinelewis]

Depression Tad. The more you make yourself get up and go and do things, esp things you enjoy you will get a dophmine fix (totally misspelled that), and you will surprisingly feel better.
AND YES you need MORE of that!

Tad I think (if you havent), you need to get back into your music.
I know you loved it.
We as a family use to faithfully watch Nascar....we loved it.
I stopped watching because it hurt. BUT you know what? I started thinking, I am SURE my xh and son watch it so why should I MORN by not watching my favorite sport. I am sure they dont miss a race. So I started watching again when i can. I sometimes send my son a text about the race. He doesnt respond but I send it anyway.

Hate Tad? Why do you think shes hates you?
What if she hung up at the SOUND of your voice? What if she told you that every minute of your marriage was a waste and nothing good came of it but your son?
What if she tried to throw you in jail at the first sight of any chance?
What if she turned your children against you?
Tad my xh does all these things, but I dont think he HATES me. Thats a strong word. He is just a JERK and has lost his mind. He lives in another world.
Water off a ducks back Tad. WHO CARES anymore.
The only thing that bothers me is my son listening to it, but I have decided he is a adult and he will get the pic one day.

I just keep telling him i love him and am there for him.
I use to pretend to be upbeat in front of him BUT now I dont have to pretend!

It will come Tad. BUT you have to let her go.
OR your life is pretty much gonna suck for a long time.

We care about you Tad.
Come alive!

God Bless You,
Renee

[Drew]

It's just amazing to me how someone can change so much. She says that she doesn't, but it sure seems like she hates me.

One post.

Just one post.

One post that say absolutely NOTHING about her.

One post.

That's all I ask.

[ericmsant2]

She says that she doesn't, but it sure seems like she hates me.

And when it does not even matter.....is when you really start to feel better.