Served

[dorightman]

Thanks Mr.Bond,bblake1968,Breakdown,azguy,AnotherStander ,Advina.

I see the mistakes I'm making and I really appreciate your support, even Mr.Bond's 2x4's!!

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I'm learning so much in the process, but it isn't easy for me. It goes against all my natural instincts.

I really feel that my w is done with me. I don't believe that if I change, she will come back. I feel that she has moved on already, and has no interest in working things out.

I know she is texting a coworker now everyday. I want to ask her about it, but I know if I do she will say I'm snooping and it will only bring up the fact that she thinks I'm trying to control her. I'm sure you all would agree that I shouldn't bring it up and I should stop checking the phone bills as it only will hurt me in the end. I'm not crazy about paying for her cell phone when she is using it for an EA, but I'm afraid to deal with that because I think it would make her want to see a mediator asap, and that means D asap.

I hope you all have a great night and thanks again.

[Breakdown]

I really feel that my w is done with me. I don't believe that if I change, she will come back. I feel that she has moved on already, and has no interest in working things out.

Again, you are focused on the wrong thing.

My W DB back in Feb 2011. It was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. My W standing up and saying "no more" made me really look in me...face my demons. I am the strongest and happiest I've ever been...I laugh more, I spend more time with my kids, I like me, and I'm funny and interesting again. And my W still wants D.

That's ok....as much as I want my M to work, as much as I love my W, as much as I want my family to stay together, I am still a much much better person now, divorced or not, than I ever was. That is what it is about. Focus on you...fix you. Sometimes it saves a M, sometimes not...but if you do it, you will always save you.

[AJM]

D, I think what Breakdown wrote is the most honest and powerful statement anyone could write to you. He's showing you something there.

In the end, your choice is to live with somebody who has no respect for you. If she has no respect, and is trying to hurt you (who knows why really?) then no matter what you do it won't fix her broken self. Here's the thing. You can and should do what's right for you. The consequences are hers to own as well.

Is living with her because you fear not to the right way to go about this? If she stays, is that better for you and the kids? Is it better to have her demean you in front of them? Is it better that you acquiesce to her childish bullying and accusations so she'll stay and demean you, disrespect you, and cheat on you?

Or is it better to face your fears and say enough is enough?

I'm for the latter knowing what I know now. I made a conscious choice to let me ex beat me like a baby seal for a set period of time. Why? Because I saw there was more than what she was doing. I saw her shatter and knew it was about something other than me. But there came a point when enough was enough regardless. I took no more and I never left my own bed. I'm glad I did it that way. I'd rather be me than live with the alternative.

At some point, you'll have to say enough is enough. I suggest you do so sooner. You are not the one breaking up the family - she is. See that for what it is.

My $0.04 worth.

AJ

[dorightman]

Thanks for your advice AJM. Breakdown, I hear you loud and clear. Thank you!

[MrBond]

AJM, I suggest you read the sitch from the beginning and you'll see that his W isn't one of those random WAS's that treat their LBS like cr@p. She's been very thoughtful and has detailed everything carefully. dorightman's actions have fed into her not wanting to get back together.

[AJM]

Gotcha. Thanks MrBond.

AJ

[dorightman]

Things have been calm for the past week. I asked W to answer three questions. 1. Do you respect me? 2. What is the goal of our separation? 3. How long will the separation last?

She said she was going to write me a letter, but started and never finished.
She told me her feelings haven't changed, she still wants a D, and can't believe I'am still in denial.

She has agreed to go to C with me this week, but I'am expecting more of the same.

Friends and family tell me to just get it done. Get the D and move on asap.

W said the only way we will ever have a chance at R is after our D. I don't understand that statement.

I'am beginning to feel like I want to get it done. I'am losing hope more and more as time goes on. W is not working on R, she is working on D.

[Breakdown]

1. Do you respect me?

That one seems odd. What are you hoping to get out of that? Yes, and then you argue about her behavior? Or no, and you felt bad?

2. What is the goal of our separation? 3. How long will the separation last?

Both reasonable.

She told me her feelings haven't changed, she still wants a D, and can't believe I'am still in denial.

My W still says that, so it doesn't surprise me in your sitch. With regards to being in denial, are you? I think there's a difference between being in denial and wanting to R.

She has agreed to go to C with me this week, but I'am expecting more of the same.

I think it's good that she's going, but what are you trying to work on in counseling?

Friends and family tell me to just get it done. Get the D and move on asap.

It's always that way. Eventually you'll probably stop sharing information with them because they always advise you to D and your timeline is just that...yours.

W said the only way we will ever have a chance at R is after our D. I don't understand that statement.

My W has a similar thought in her head, though she hasn't said it quite that way. I struggled with the logic of it myself as it seems like a lot of unnecessary expense and stress.

The thing you have to realize here is that you don't have to get it...you just have to listen and validate. She has to be free to make her own decisions.

I'am beginning to feel like I want to get it done. I'am losing hope more and more as time goes on. W is not working on R, she is working on D.

I have felt like that a handful of times. Sometimes it feels like you are moving and they aren't. Again though, you have to let them work thru their own process....remember, this is a marathon.

For me, I kinda set my internal time table to "when I become the H only a fool would leave"...at that point, I felt like if she still wanted to go, I'd accept it and start moving forward. That's where I am now, though I am still holding on to hope. Where are you on that path?

[dorightman]

Thanks Breakdown. The respect question came to me after reading that you can't love someone if you don't respect them. Just wanted to know if that's one of the issues.

I'am not in denial about W wanting a D. I hear her and I acknowledge her feelings. I told her the reason she still feels the same is because she has not done any work to try to change those feelings. While I study books on Saving a M, she reads books on how to get a D and move on!

I just want my C to listen to W and talk to her. He is an incredible C and I trust him.
W said she only wants to talk about R with a 3rd party, i.e.. C. After I told my C what she said, he told me he didn't want to play the role of school principle and listen to W criticize me for an hour, which is what happened the first 3 months of MC. He also said that W and I need to be able to have R talks without a third party.

I have more work to do on myself, mostly getting the ability to not react to W when she tells me things that rip my heart out. My C said I have made good progress thus far and it is sad that my W can't see that.

[Breakdown]

My C said I have made good progress thus far and it is sad that my W can't see that.

I think the first part of this is good....the second part is irrelevant. Your W's path is hers...you can't "make her" get it, see your changes, see the world the way you do, etc.