Long post ^^^^^^ but what do people think of allowing H to take S (18 months old) across US for first time? Airplane gone for more than a night (that is the only time I have been away from S so far...and that was Saturday night)?!
Findingself, 1. Stop all D/R conversations. It's pressure and won't help you. 2. Do you feel H is a good dad? If the situation was reversed, should he allow YOU to take S on a plane? If you were not having problems would it be an issue?
Look honestly at yourself why the hesitation.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
As for the talks when do you know they hurt things or are helping? And if so when do you have them?
As for the plane, he is a good dad, he has not been around him more than a weekend in the last two months and only two overnights and one he left at 5:30am, and that will be another month from now.
If the situation was reversed I am the main caretaker of our S, he is not at this time, our S is breastfeeding also and as this could be my last/only child this is not something I am prepared to stop at this time.
If we were not having problems I would be going too, it is my family too, and I love them all a great deal...I would still love to go to the birthday party too..none of the family know of our sitch at this time. Except for H's sister.
It comes down to the fact that yes he will do fine once they are out there, but it is a very long two-three layover flights (whole day each way), and also would be hard to be away from my S for so long.
H has been away for that long but has never been more than driving distance away.
I am hesitating because I do not think I can and want to deal with being without my child that long, this process has only been going on for a month right now.
Okay...how do I back track now...I asked if we could talk sometime this weekend,,
Also wanted to speak on selling house, Easter and trip to Montana.
H wants to move to NH, I did not say the right thing, I said nothing, I should have told him if this was something that he thought was best for him at this time then he can continue with the process...but how do you deal with visits then?
I need a lot of advice...to new!!! I am re-reading all the do and don'ts and 180 advice from veterans...
Now how do I back step!
Of course H made it okay for me to talk but I think it was more so he would feel better that I would be okay
hello findingself, I just wanted to tell you there were so similarities in our stories. I remember when WAH first left I was so shocked and it sounds like you already have a really good handle on yourself. It took me months and months. And I can totally relate to the resentment of being a single mom. And my kids are older!
It sounds like your H is at least willing to try to communicate with you. I know it's super difficult, but with the other decisions of selling the house and H moving, could you just see how things play out and not try to force one way or another? I was very control oriented but it has helped I think and maybe been my biggest change to just let things play out and make no decisions, regarding finances, regarding R, regarding moving.
For me, I've found that my desire to make a decision - any decision - sometimes would lead me to making the wrong decision. So try to be pragmatic and step back. Work on yourself. And try to stay focused on you, that's where I always slip up. You're doing really well.
The Montana issue is really complex, I'm sure your H is a great dad but idk. I assume he'll have other family there to support him? Are you close with his your in-laws where it'd make you feel better about letting him go? On one hand, it'd show huge leap of faith and be a good opposite to controlling patterns. But I don't really think it's good to use kids to demonstrate you've changed... but you'll have to get used to a co-parenting situation anyways. whoa that's a hard decision!
I did want to say one thing about being independent after H leaves, my H left in July and I kept so busy and active and hired people to do things I'd been needing done and really made my life a big F* you to H. He made one comment last fall about well, you guys don't even need me. And I've regretted many of my choices ever since. There's a line between living your own life and moving on and leaving him in the dust I guess.
Reb thank you so much for the support and kind words! I have been reading a lot of your post too and do see similarities...
I now wish I had not said anything about the house...I thought at the time it would help in that he is not attached to the house and sees it as a stress for him, I should have just let the issue sit and let him address it with me instead.
H is willing to sit and listen at this time but is not able to say he is at fault, making me question if I am just giving him more info to say "yes, I made the right decision" I did see by the end he was at least looking at me straight in the eyes...questioning everything I said now and having major anxiety about it...wish I kept my mouth shut now...but he did say he felt better about our talk so who knows...
Montana is a big issue for me right now...being a mother to and knowing small children...but yes it is a huge leap of faith but I don't want to use S too for this leap of faith...one thing to leave H overnight with him another to say yes take him across the country...his family is great...I love them all and would love to see them too...but think H would say if I can't take S alone he is not going...
I see IC on Friday and will have to address it.
Co-parenting in the future is one thing, S is still very young and Breastfeeding and co-sleeping with me who is around him 24/7. So hard...
So Reb you are saying not to push him out to far...it is hard because I know he does not like the house and responsibilites of it...he also commented that I changed the cat liter, this was something he scooped a lot and I always told him I would not...so at what point do you not cut them out...it is a hard line to go draw sometimes?
As for the talks when do you know they hurt things or are helping? And if so when do you have them?
At this stage, there is no right time to talk about R/D. The only time you discuss it is when H initiates and then you ONLY LISTEN AND VALIDATE.
Originally Posted By: findingself
If the situation was reversed I am the main caretaker of our S, he is not at this time, our S is breastfeeding also and as this could be my last/only child this is not something I am prepared to stop at this time.
At 17 months is it still typical to be breastfeeding.. I'm not a parent so I'm curious.
Originally Posted By: findingself
It comes down to the fact that yes he will do fine once they are out there, but it is a very long two-three layover flights (whole day each way), and also would be hard to be away from my S for so long. .
Ok a couple of things.
1. IF you are fine with the distance - then you should be fine with the process. Is it easy - no, but it's totally doable.
2. Although I completely understand it being hard for you, to stop the trip because of this reason is selfish.
Originally Posted By: findingself
I am hesitating because I do not think I can and want to deal with being without my child that long, this process has only been going on for a month right now.
I see = well if this IS the reason - it's a selfishly motivated one and not a reason to stop him from going.
Your S deserves to spend time with his D and your H's family.. regardless of what happens in your sitch.
If you guys are scheduled to talk this weekend - talk about the trip.. but only for the concern about breastfeeding - because that's the only one that's not selfishly motivated.
I mean can you pump enough milk for trip or am I asking the most ridiculous question ever??
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
As for breastfeeding, I am not the norm but not off base...WHO says 2 years now...in US this is not the norm, but H knew that I breastfeed and planned on doing so for sometime, it assits our some with mental health and physical health at this time and in the future.
I can not pump that much for the trip, because S is older my body is the point it produces what is needed. I am around S too much for my body to pump the extra at this time.
As for discussion, yeah I wish I had waited, I had told H I would wait til he was ready to which he said he did not think he would ever be fully ready but understood I needed to talk as he knows I am a talker and process things this way.
We will discuss the trip and Easter and anything else related to S then I will see where H takes the conversation.
I am not fine with the distance of the trip, if something was to happen it would take me two days to get out there, I am fine with the support he has while there. I am not good with the distance at all.
I do realise my selfishness in the situation, thinking of ways for myself to feel better about it.
Really my H told me a month ago he wanted a divorce and then trying to process him taking S so far...if we were together the trip would either have included me too...and/or would have been delayed til summer months. If not in position we are in I would have not let H take S alone, and H would have been okay with it too.
Well I can't advise on the breastfeeding - it the BOTH of you discussed how long you were going to do that for... and it's not that time - hopefully he will still remember/honor that decision made long ago.
However everything else... let go.
He's the father of your child. He deserves every right you do. You don't have to like his decisions but the child is in no real danger... and your H will only see it as controlling.
Let go. Show him you are willing to work with him. Show him that you want him to be active in S's life.. regardless
And I get being a talker (I am too)... but as we say around here... you need to STFU for awhile. You're emotional... until you speak from a place of calm and rational thinking - better to keep your mouth shut.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
