So I have a little time. I will try to run down the last little while that I have checked out.
I moved home. I decided to move on with life. I felt that I was being held against my will. Ultimately it was me that was holding myself there. So I let go. Moved on to construct the life that I want to live.
W flipped out a bit on me. Talking about how we had made a decision together to move to this new place. We had planned to stay there for 2 years and they were not up. We still had a year left. I told W that she had also made a decision on our wedding day...till death do us part. Ugh...note to self, STFU.
I met with L before I moved. He said "yep, you have a case for custody. I give you a 50/50 shot. Just depends on the judge. It'll take 6 months to a year."
So I said 'f' it and made the best deal I could with W. I get all holidays, spring break, summer, and anytime I want to travel at my expense to have a weekend with S.
Since I have moved, I miss S terribly. Before this ordeal there was not a single day that I was not there to kiss him goodnight, or see his shining (or grumpy) face in the morning. It's tough. Thank goodness there is video chat. It's the only thing that keeps me hangin on sometimes. He is also very good about talking with me. I was worried because he tells his mother he's busy, call back later, when she calls. But we talk every night, and for 30 minutes or so at a time.
On my first trip back for a visit, W asked 3 different times for me to stay with them. I told her thanks, but I didn't feel comfortable there. After the final decline, she said "thats just stupid, but whatever." She hasn't offered the last two trips.
W has gone back to this depressed tone with me most of the time. No excitement at all in her voice. Nothing exciting to talk about either. She has talked with me a couple of times about work, and how crappy its going. I just try to listen, then say something positive about how hard she must be working.
We have had a couple of arguments over kid stuffs. I have held my ground on what I think is right, or fair, while staying calm. But I still get a raised voice out of her when I disagree. It's her way or no way, any other thought is just obsurd.
So I guess you are wondering, and I wonder myself, why on earth do you still want to spend your life with this woman?
Nevermind. You know. You are here just like me.
I've gained back all my worry weight. I don't look like a strung out crackhead anymore. I feel better too. I have found the enjoyment of simple things again. Cranking the radio to 11, a nice steak, a cold beer, the wonderful babble of the Ouachita River on a quiet night. I have a general positive outlook on life. I try to be an optimist in my dealings with others.
I AM a better person because of this. I wouldn't wish the pain on anyone. But I am proud of myself. And thankful. There is so much to be thankful for.
I thought I was ready to give up. Throw in the towel. But I still want my family back together, W hasn't filed for D, not interested in other women...looks like I'm still trying to save my marriage.
What now?
I plan on building a house. Building my company. Living life. Loving my son. Whatever sounds like fun.
It's a tricky spot to move on with life, yet still wait for your spouse. I need help with that. Am I waiting on her?
Can someone help me find a different mindset for that.
