Pathfinder... ((hugs))... I am pretty new here myself, but sounds to me like you did a GREAT job validating her feelings and accepting the parts that were your faults. This is exactly what DB teaches us. Don't beat yourself up. Sounds to me like you were being honest without being pathetic/whiney.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
My wife just walked in the door and said "I know I must have sounded as though I have pretty much made up my mind, (you certainly DID!!) but I'm still not sure what I want to do". I'm still a finalist. What a roller coaster ride!
I'm certainly learning how emotional detachment (and I don't mean withdrawal) is a life preserver in times like these. This past summer I would have been a wreck.
Did someone here say, "don't believe a thing they say and only half of what they do"? She told me she was only stating how she felt at the time. We have all read that here too. I think it was either 25yrsmlc, Sandi2 or Cadet who said that. Thank you, veterans for helping us all out on these boards!!
I continue to track as straight as I possibly can. I know she must think I am a rock. I found it very surprising when she told me she thought I would handle our breakup better than she would. I feel that's testament to my steps to GAL and to focus on everything that's good in life. I just keep reminding myself that, although I might not be able to imagine it, I will be just fine either way this ends up. Keep looking ahead, waaaay ahead! Perspective is a must.
She doesn't know how much it affects me when she says she wants something or someone different. I'm doing my best to show her that I'm that someone/something different, but I come completely in tune with her needs, wants and and desires and... her kids absolutely love me!
wfm, Thanks so much for your care. It really makes a difference in our lives when we all here experience the love and support of the others who are here. It's comforting to not go through this stuff alone.
P2, I am glad to see you posting again. Sincerely sorry about the roller coaster you are on. But seems to me you've handled things well.
I think it is a positive with how your W opened up with you. That is a big step in my mind. Hopefully a step to continued emotional sharing from your W. These things she is saying need to be put on the table no matter what. I know these things are not easy to hear but it is good you are hearing it directly from her. Certainly if you are to reconcile one day it all needs to be out there. When she opens up, continue to be understanding so that she will continue to expand on her thoughts.
If your W opens up the discussion about R then I would go with that conversation and you did. Now that she has I would back off, give her space and compassion and empathy. You can be patient and have PMA.
I did thank my wife for being open and sharing what is in her heart with me. In fact, I told her that I wished that she had been that open with me years ago. It really was nice to hear her share her innermost feelings with me. Even though it was stuff I didn't want to hear, it meant a lot to me for her to say it. And I hung onto every word she spoke.
The thing that spoke loudest to me was how she has always felt that I had her on a pedestal and how much that meant to her. She felt loved and adored. It really hurt her when I tore her down. I wish I had never done that.
You are right. What she opened up about was stuff that needs to be addressed. I am sooo fortunate that she shared it with me. It is a gift from her and I won't forget it!
The thing that spoke loudest to me was how she has always felt that I had her on a pedestal and how much that meant to her. She felt loved and adored. It really hurt her when I tore her down. I wish I had never done that.
Don't beat yourself up. You've learned and will know how to respond in the future.
Thanks, guys. I try to do that. Just expressing frustration with myself. I know there's nothing gained by beating myself up. I just pray that from here on out in my life, I will remember just how effective my tongue is. I can used it to build up or to tear down. Our words are powerful. More powerful than I have realized.
My wife has told me she wants to find a counselor who can tell her if we have anything sound to build on. She wants a list of things in a healthy relationship so she can see if ours is worth working on. It's almost like she's trying to figure out if our marriage is not worth the effort and she should find another one to work on. But she has also said she's not interested in another relationship.
I just hope and pray that she consults with someone who encourages her to work on keeping our family together. She's got to want to do that though. No matter what anyone, including a therapist may say to her.
I feel like if she gets advice to work on things here at home, she still won't be convinced that that is what she wants to do. However, if she senses that the therapist's advice is to scrap it and move on, she'll do that because it agrees with how she feels now. The lure of the unknown verses the challenges of our relationship with which she is very familiar. Why does the grass always look greener?
I guess that's just another way of saying that she feels she knows me inside out and is so turned off by more of the same that she is willing to step out into the great unknown. This would be especially true if she questions me and who I am.
I really am at a loss for what I should do. I have a wife who questions my love for her. On one hand, I want to say/do something to communicate my love for her and how valuable I feel she is, on the other hand, I don't want to pressure her and cause her to feel that it's not love for her that I feel; it's a need for her.
