Thank you, NLW. My H continues showing that he has a lot to learn in life, and to just grow up. I will not talk to him until he's met with a lawyer and has the right information at hand. In a way, it's nice not having to talk to him. Every time I get his emails, my stomach twists--not the best association to have, but this is what his behavior has done to my perception of him.
I read something today that resonated with me. It was about detachment, and how you should be able to say to your spouse, "I leave you free to think your thoughts, indulge your tastes, follow your inclinations, and behave in ways that you decide are to your liking." If you can say this and mean it, you'll regain the freedom to be happy.
I don't look foward to the D process if/when it happens. I know that it is not likely to bring us closer. If anything it may cause further distancing. You are handling yourself brilliantly! I hope I will be able to do the same.
I found your freedom to be happy quote interesting...I have a loooooooong way to go before I am there! LOL! How about you?
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
yes, it can be shocking how they are during the financial settlement... it brought out someone in W that i had no idea existed. (thanks for reminding me, it helps me take her off the pedestal.) stay strong and take care of you!
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
GTO and Needgrace, thank you for being there for me :-) GTO, I'm almost at the point at which I can say (and mean) the quote to my H. Even though I'm letting him go with love to do whatever he thinks it's right, I still get upset when he does something like post the pix with the other woman on FB or being a jerk about the finances. I guess those things go against my values, so it's about being close to spirit while also remembering we're functioning in a worldly society.
Needgrace, I'm guessing that if the WAS's behave the same way when they have just left the marriage, their behavior will also be similar during the D process. Not fun at all. But it is what we're dealing with now. The most important thing is that we're learning from this experience, unlike most of our S's.
I read something today that resonated with me. It was about detachment, and how you should be able to say to your spouse, "I leave you free to think your thoughts, indulge your tastes, follow your inclinations, and behave in ways that you decide are to your liking." If you can say this and mean it, you'll regain the freedom to be happy.
As always, you continue to be a DB rockstar, Tori. Thank you so much for all of your inspiration during this most trying time.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Tori I cannot imagine my H having any grace or dignity when a D were to happen. I see him being exactly the man he has become over the past 2.5 years. Delusional that he is doing the best for his family and putting his kids first while frustrated and angry that he is not getting what he wants, when he wants. I see mostly just selfish, entitled behavior.
I would like to be able to love my H as you described in that quote. I saved it to remind me that that is my aim. Its hard.
I hope you are doing well. (((((((((((((()))))))))))))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Okay, guys, I'm having a really hard time staying close to God/peace. Just received another nasty email from my H threatening to hire a lawyer who told him he won't even have to pay any support and recommending we go to trial. WTF???? He wants to spend another 10K on lawyers so he doesn't have to fulfill his financial obligation? I feel so angry and can't help it. I SO REGRET marrying this man.
FY, I know you said we had a connection. We never did. He never knew and does not know what love is. He thinks love is sex and having fun. He is one of the worst people I've known, and I'm so relieved he won't be my husband anymore. What a mistake I made marrying him. What a mistake. I told him I wanted to talk to my L before getting back to him. Any other ideas? He's completely blinded by his greed.
Your H is obviously searching for happiness in all the wrong places. When you married him things were different, he was different and so were you. Your love and connection was real. It was not a mistake. Don't ever forget that.
You've grown a lot, and have become a much better person. Continue to take the high road here. You will never regret it, and he will see this when he looks back some day. Don't confirm his decision to leave the M as a good one with poor reactions to his antics. Instead, show him only love and compassion. Allow him to realize that bailing on you was a major mistake on his part. Sadly for him, I can almost guarantee that at some point he will.
In regards to responding to H try to remove all emotion. It is stricly business at this point. Do your homework understanding the rules of divorce settlements in your state (which I'm sure you have). Easy for me to say, but take a deep breath and wait a day or so to get your thoughts together. Especially this type of email. Maybe wait 24 hours to respond to this type of email.
Perhaps there is nothing behind threats from H. Just your H being himself. Kind of expected behavior for him.
VG, you're right on when you say, "Just your H being himself." It's so true. I always knew he had no compassion for anyone or respect for anything. I knew it but he was my H and I loved him, so I wanted to overlook that. However, compassion is such a high value for me. Now, looking back, I should've done what my gut told me throughout the time we were dating: to break up with him.
This AM I put down a list of essential traits for a happy marriage (at least for me)
Respect Compassion Open communication Honesty Trust Caring Empathy Appreciation Compromise Reliability Loyalty/faithfulness Love Thoughtfulness Commitment Grace Common values Physical attraction/intimacy
I asked myself, did I have this in my M? I'm not talking about the last couple of years. I'm talking about from the start of it. I only got a Y in physical attraction. I got a maybe in caring, reliability and love. The love part wasn't real, I think, especially knowing what love really means.
So I had a pretty crappy M after all. Glad it's almost over.
