post-D with WAW

[azguy]

Good question. Two things first:
1) Codependent is probably too strong a word but I think she does have those tendencies.
2) This is going to sound like me blaming her for the D. I do feel she played a part in our inability to make it work, but the main failure was mine in not being able to maintain a connection with her, and not making that a priority in my life.

She always struggled in our M with asserting herself. I made my career the priority in the R and she encouraged me to do so, despite having a career herself. Looking back on this, it was really unhealthy for us. Over time she took over almost all of the housework and childcare duty, despite both of us working. She came to be overwhelmed by this, and resented me for it.

She often didn't seem to have her own emotions. If I was stressed, she would become unhappy. She struggled with low self esteem throughout our R. She felt easily pressured to do something, and often came off negative because of this. She didn't want to do something, but wouldn't just come out and say it.

As our R worsened I became an angry and moody person. She had to live with that for too long (3-4 years probably) , and this setup is what often creates the codependent patterns of behavior.

She came from a divorced family herself, with a narcissistic father. She was still sorting through the damage that (her father's disorder) has done to her while we were in our R. It instilled in her a hypersensitivity to not upset other people, and make sure their needs are met.

In our R, I was aware of these problems, but viewed them as hers to deal with, and would often get impatient if she were needy or if it lead to a disagreement. Looking on it now, I regret that I did not have more compassion for her as she sorted through these issues. The person underneath the issues was someone whose friendship I cherished, and whose companionship I now miss quite often.

Whew! Sorry, labug, probably more than you were looking for but it was cathartic to write that out.