Of Feral Cats, and All That

[TSquared2]

Thank you TVS and rH!

So, the significant change...PA confirmed before she was ready to talk about it, testing from the ob/gyn...to her credit, she was honest after telling me it was something else that isn't usually transmitted s3xually that she had had before. This one is almost never transmitted via other means. She is really mad about the money spent on the full gyn panel, and not happy she had to disclose this before she was ready. I know how she beats herself up over things, so I really don't feel any need to add to it.

We had 3 long talks over the weekend and I have what info I "need" for myself right now:

-she doesn't love him, nor feels "in-love", just s3x, diversion, exploration, the experience she didn't get before we were married. When I asked her directly, her tone and facial expression told me this is true.
-the last time was mid January, and I gathered that it wasn't more than occasional PA hookup, but the online was the usual (not sure, doing some interpretation here).
-he didn't work in, or was related to my industry at all, so I can turn off my paranoia scanner, I think...lol.
-she was trying to stop (and the online too), she wasn't liking how she felt afterwards (shame, guilt, etc)

So, I don't need to bring it up again until she does...just going to let it be, she seems to be processing a lot of the implications and such, let her get there herself.

I did say that this one area, out of all the others, needs resolving/stopping sooner rather than later, as I can't say how long I will wait, that I just don't know...but that I wasn't going to tell her when, that she needs to work that out herself (hat tip to rH on that response...

We talked about a lot of other things, issues, got some truths out, very honest, I showed some emotion, tears (not too many!) and vulnerability in addition to being calm, validating, etc. I got the opportunity to apologize and explain some things from the past, maybe she "heard" me this time...if I need to again I will. Maybe more on that stuff later, idk...so drained today, lot to take in.

Though I knew this was a very real and probable possibility, and rehearsed it in my mind these past 18 or so months, I still was surprised by some anger, hurt, devastation, wanting to quit, but not nearly like what I felt when I discovered her online activities and BD...not as intense or long lasting...still, I really couldn't eat yesterday. I guess no matter how much you "train", you never know how you will perform under fire, until you actually have to. I think I did pretty damn good.

After yesterday's 2nd talk, I went out for a bit to my office, to scream, cry, be mad, sob to the feral cats out back. When I came back, W was "different" in a good way, more her real self, and I was really distant at first, caught myself, explained to her I was processing my feelings and all, that I hoped she understood, she said she can't believe how well I am coping, how strong I am, etc. I just said lots of work on me, patience, FAITH and that silly thing called "love"..which got a smile out of her. The evening was pretty pleasant after that, she was all worried about winkles around her eyes before she went to bed, I told her they were adorable, which got me a smile. She has been rather chatty via email today, I think maybe some good things came out of this.

T^2