Im here because Im having alot of mixed feelings and I just need to talk about it.
This morning as I was going to get into the car to warm it up before taking the kids to school, I had this thought. " Wouldn't that be odd if XH pulled up?"
I get into the van, start it up, look into the rearview mirror to try and make sure im presentable, and who pulls up behind me?
Yep XH!
I went out to his window and said " Did we get our schedules mixed up?" of course being friendly and my usual perkiness.
XH smiles at me and said " Ya I came over because your schedule was different last week and I didn't know if it would be that way this week." Just as sweet as he can be.
I told him I was sorry I didn't tell me but it was back to normal and that I was back to my regular schedule. He was hal asleep with his hair all askew and said " Oh ok well I didn't know so I figured I'd find out".
Apparently he was so out of it he didn't realize he could've called and found out without having to get out of bed.
It was a very pleasant exchange. Yet it still feels SO WEIRD to talk to him. It's been 4 months since our last personal exchange.
Im frustrated over the mixed emotions.
Does it ever go away?
Does it ever get to the point that they're just some friendly aquaintence that you share kids with, like a friend or something?
It must depend on how far a person has come with their healing. I guess.
I find its akward, or odd. I feel like Im doing so well, but then one interaction with him makes me feel off kilter. I know I feel very safe when he's not around me, but when interaction comes it's just a reminder of how hurt I was. Even in my steps through healing and coming so far, Im amazed at just how traumatized i was by what he did and how he treated me.
I think i disassociated and put blinders on to some extent to just survive it and keep everything going for my girls.
Hmmmm. It may take another 1 - 2 years for me to actually feel comfortable around him and not have it put me in a weird feeling.
