The ups and downs of DBing

[Wendylon]

Things with H have been really up and down the last few days--more down overall.

A week ago today, H was really obnoxious and acted in a pretty scary way to me. He'd got back late for supper and I kept him company in the kitchen while he ate. He then suddenly left the kitchen and went to his study with no mention or anything, leaving all his dirty dishes on the table and me in the kitchen. I went and asked him if he'd finished supper and said something to the effect of it being nice if he'd help me clear up. He came charging back into the kitchen and said he'd never f***ing asked me to clear up. He started throwing the perfectly good left-overs into the insinkerator. They were for S13's packed lunch and I just asked H to leave the kitchen. I then avoided H for the rest of the evening. He'd hurt his back at the gym that day and kept moaning which was pretty tiresome. I felt no sympathy given how rude he'd been to me. I felt angry, hurt and a bit frightened.

In the middle of the night, H asked if I was OK and I said no. He asked if I wanted to talk and I said not then. Eventually, we talked the next morning after all the kids had left for school. H apologised and said that he'd decided to stop drinking and that he'd only had one glass the night before but that alcohol didn't seem to agree with him--maybe because of him being on Zyban which he started taking to quit smoking. He also said that he was really stressed about money. We agreed that we'd talk about money and try to work on it together. We have talked a bit but he is so reluctant to face the fact that we simply overspend.

In the last week, H has been on better behaviour. It actually really helps that he's not drinking. Knowing H though, he'll go back to it. It really isn't that he drinks that much but any alcohol definitely makes him aggressive and he hides the drinking which is also weird. He seems to need to sleep a lot. His eating is still disordered. He's off apples (which he makes a big deal about because he reckons they don't agree with him and he used to eat loads in a day) but now huge chunks of cheese disappear from the fridge in a day.

I still think that we're better off staying together for now but his behaviour does worry me. I have never known anyone be so un-proactive. I've suggested he make an appointment to see his doctor. He claims he's on a waiting list. Meanwhile, I'm still caught up in the guy that is helping with S13.

Last Tuesday night, I found out that S13 had masturbated for the first time. I told H who said it depressed him too much and that he was going straight to bed. It's a big deal because S13 is autistic and we need boundaries for it. It's also a big deal because in many ways S13 is the equivalent of an 18 month old developmentally. It was shocking to me emotionally. Left to his own devices, S13 could start engaging in it anywhere. H was completely unhelpful about it. Thankfully, the new guy who is helping with S13 was happy to brainstorm with me about what to do. It feels as if this new guy (who is only six years older than my oldest S) is filling the space that H doesn't fill in terms of dealing with S13's issues. I'm 28 years older than this guy but he feels more like a co-parent than H. That is a pretty sad state of affairs. Of course, H is very proud when things are going well. S17 did very well on his recent exams and H wants to tell everyone about that. He's also really proud of D15's sporting achievements. He's just not engaged though when we need to figure out how to deal with more challenging things.