Here we go loopty loo. Here we go loopty li.

[Raine]

AJ, I will keep posting. I think the journaling has a very good impact on my life, and it helps to have feedback on it too. A lot of people have helped me through this difficult time and agree with the give back. It would be nice to know how some of these stories have turned out. I need to hear more positives, including those who move on and find happiness without their spouse.

T, you've described it so perfectly. It's hard seeing someone you love go through so much pain and feel so helpless to it. I wish there was an easier way.


This last week has been pretty hard. Highs and lows. There is an awakening going on with H, but at the same time he is still very much in extreme replay mode. And when he is in replay, he is moving fast, as if time is running out for these kind of antics. I'm dealing with him talking to me a lot and opening up, depression and tears, and also him spending his first full night with OW#4. This is very fast. He just met her, much faster and much more intense than any other previous OW.

I'm having a hard time with the juxtaposition of the two extremes of him knowing what he is doing is wrong and how much it's hurting others, coupled with near suicidal depression, to the self full-fulfillment and ongoing search for happiness in all the quick fix places. I guess I'm learning to have zero expectations, not just with him, but with how MLC will express itself in him. The reality is he is going to open up to me at the same time he is in the euphoria of a new and YOUNG love affair.

I gave him a hug when he came to see the boys over the weekend, and he didn't let me go. I wasn't letting him go either. I've been really worried he was going to hurt himself, and that's been really hard to deal with. I felt relieved to see him. He then pulled back and went in to kiss me. That caught me completely off guard and I just hug him again and he kissed me on the cheek. I'm so am not ready for that or would be while he has OW in the picture. But it also just feels so weird to me that here is my H, and I don't feel comfortable kissing him.

Some things that have come out that are interesting to me:

• He doesn't remember how he acted towards me or treated me at bomb drop or the horrible things he said about me to other people. I think he has thought we have had this kind of respectable, friendly existence and that we both always knew what he is thinking now, that this is all on him and doesn't have to do with me or the marriage. He thinks the whole time he has said nothing but good things about me to other people, that I have always been understanding and a compassionate.
• He wants to start speeding the process up. When replying about him opening up on his own timeline, he said not only does he want to get through this mess he is in faster and be fixed in the head, but also moving to his own place, with his own furniture where he can have the boys and have friends over. He thinks that will make him feel better. I had little reaction to this, along the lines of I can understand that. But here is where I have issue. This now means he'll be spending a lot more money, and he will be using what is now marital funds to have a place he will likely bring women back to. I feel like if that is going to be the case, I should file for D. I don't know how I should approach this. I'm very torn. This would still be a few months away at the earliest and he has talked about it before. I just feel like I need to start coming to terms with what I will and won't accept.
• He is still very much thinking about getting back together vs us going our separate ways. He said that he will have a lot he will need to tell me if we were to ever get back together, and if we don't, he will still have a lot to tell me to make things right.
• He has been realizing a lot of things, things that he felt okay about in the past, but now he doesn't, that there were people that he didn't treat right and didn't end things right with them. I find this ironic with how he is treating women now, but I am thinking in his mind they all must realize that it's "just friends" or that if something does get super serious, he would end it with everyone else.
• He thinks the kids see him a lot and are well adjusted and everything is great. That the kids spend more time with him now than when we were together and they're super happy because they get to play with him so much. He spends around 15 hours total per month with them and that is mainly with just the two oldest. He wanted to setup something, and I told him I couldn't go then because of S's appt. He wanted to know what appt and I said counseling. He wanted to know why. I just said that S has been acting out and having a hard time with thing and when I talked to him about talking to someone else, he wanted to go, so I set it up. H was pretty upset by this and got off the phone quickly.
• He talked to his mom and she and I later talked. His parents are still struggling with him and don't know how I'm being so strong and haven't kicked him to the curb. She asked him why he just doesn't go home. He told her he still has a lot of things to work out and it's not good if he does it there, that we have a better chance of getting back together if he can get himself worked out first. He told his mom that I am the one he is talking to and opening up to.
• He tends to end up in tears after he talks to me. Emotions are very near the surface with me. Talking to me about songs or other things that have some kind of meaning to him make him really emotional.