So close I can taste it...

[MrBond]

"Starsky, your the man. I know you were showing your wife love until you needed to rock her world to get a responce. You can relate."

You don't get it. Starsky didn't do things to "rock his W's world" to get a response. He was done with her. There wasn't a ploy or a trick.

Many people on here told you that if it wasn't this OM it would be another and you didn't want to listen. And you're STILL making it about OM. You were trying to control her into not going thinking that the OM is the reason she's gone. It's not.

You're still trying to find the magic bullet and haven't spent the time on real change. If you know all this stuff about their R, then increase the positives in the R. She's not seeing it or at least not believing it.

And there is a bit of truth in what she says about her giving. That's her perception. You have to create an atmosphere where she wants to be a part of a life with you again.

[SM34]

Im trying to increase the positives. Im trying to be cnsistent with the 180s.

What can I do. Im not looking for a magic bullet. I am well aware of the time frame I am up against.

I think the us chat hit some nerve because there is some anger today from her. Im going to back off again now and just let her stew in her own juices a little. I injected the doubt in what she is doing.

The anger is talked about in DR right? I mean when a WAS starts to feel the BS is making an effort to change, isnt there some anger at that point?

And I know from friends she has talked about working it out with me.

[Starsky309]

Starsky, your the man. I know you were showing your wife love until you needed to rock her world to get a responce. You can relate. How did you do? How do you go on showing love and staying calm when you know you are dealing with someone whe is making the biggest mistake of their life? When you you need more patience but your not sure if you have any more?

I'm not really sure what you're talking about, SM -- perhaps you have my sitch mixed up with someone else's. The approach I took was almost diametrically opposed to the one you're on. I did ZERO pursuing of her while she was actively in her affair, and came down hard legally, financially and emotionally. I wasn't an ASS or anything, but my approach towards HER was what most here would call "hardball," while my approach toward MYSELF was to fix my own side of the street, GAL, and make myself a better Chocolateeyes/Puppy Dog Tails/Starsky.

If you feel your way is working, and the DB coach is helping you, you should stick with it and see where it takes you. However, this jumped out at me from your post:

I read something I trueging on a thread the other day. A person was told by their actively affairing wife that if it wasnt this OM it would be another. The people responding thought that sounded like a cry for help from her husband.

Well my wife said something similar during our talk. She said I gave and gave and gave to everyone my whole life, and now I just want to do somsthing for me. This is not about you, its not about OM, its about me. I want to make ME happy.

I think you need to decide if this is a temporary, "MLC"-type break and delusion from an otherwise life of integrity and quality from this woman, or if this is indicative of her true moral character. Because if she means all of that, then yeah -- even if she dumps this guy (or he dumps her), you're going to be looking at OM2, OM3, OM4 . . . Is she really just a "If it makes me happy, do it" type of person? Or is this some sort of "life crisis" she is going thru? I don't know her -- or your long-term history -- well enough to answer.


Starsky

[MrBond]

" I am well aware of the time frame I am up against."

I don't think you are because you keep going over this thing with the OM. That's all a part of her growth cycle in all this. You have to learn to be patient about it.

"I think the us chat hit some nerve because there is some anger today from her."

Mindereading.

"Im going to back off again now and just let her stew in her own juices a little."

Stop trying to control the situation.

"I injected the doubt in what she is doing."

Controlling.

"The anger is talked about in DR right? I mean when a WAS starts to feel the BS is making an effort to change, isnt there some anger at that point? "

That's not the reason why she's angry here. She's angry because she's going through things with the OM and you keep pushing her. This isn't about you changing things that should have been done before, etc. Or at least that's what it seems like.

[Starsky309]

The irony is OM is probably not pursuing her AT ALL. And THAT is probably why she keeps going back to him. Meanwhile your pursuit let's her know that you will always be good ol' faithful plan B for her.

BINGO.


Starsky

[cbtdad]

SM, I've heard from friends as well that W wants to work it out.
I've found out a few things. Who knows when that will be if really ever and that comes and goes. I think they go through the same things as we do as far as not being certain.
That's why it's so important that you focus on YOU!
Not the OM sitch, not what her friends her saying, not how wife reacts.

[25yearsmlc]

SM

how are YOUR GAL activities going? And what exactly are your 180s?

How are they going?

-25

[SM34]

Yes have been thinking about what I typed earlier this morning and I think I have done enough for now. She needs to do some thinking and reach her own conclusion.

Starsky said:

I think you need to decide if this is a temporary, "MLC"-type break and delusion from an otherwise life of integrity and quality from this woman, or if this is indicative of her true moral character. Because if she means all of that, then yeah -- even if she dumps this guy (or he dumps her), you're going to be looking at OM2, OM3, OM4 . . . Is she really just a "If it makes me happy, do it" type of person? Or is this some sort of "life crisis" she is going thru? I don't know her -- or your long-term history -- well enough to answer.

Starsky to answer your question, NO this is completely out of character. Absolutely and totally nothing like her at all. My wife is the sweetest most loving and caring person I know. She is compassionate to others, she is so against divorce because her parents got divorced and she vowed to NEVER put her kids through that.

When I met her she was a 17.5 year old virgin with A LOT of boys pursuing. I was a second semester freshman in college, and it was her final 3 months in high school. She held out her virginity for someone special, and although she wasn't waiting for marriage, she wanted it to be with someone who could potentially be marriage material.

Enter...me! Then we dated for months before she would let me do anything sexual. And honestly I didn't push her at all. I respected her for her morals and values. We have been together ever since.

We have had our ups and downs but she always stuck it out. She had wanted to break up several times but she knows a good thing when she sees one, so we always patched things up.

As far as the MLC, she is a little young for MLC but I have been told there is a similar one for early thirties especially women called quarter life crisis. Seems to hit women in early 30s and ESPECIALLY ones who met someone special early in life, and feel they never got to experience life and date a lot of guys.

Add to this mix, a daughter who is a complete handful. I am the ONLY person who can handle her for an entire solid day because I AM INCREDIBLY patient. I am the most patient, calm, and collected person I know. My wife, mother in law, father in law, my parents, my brother who has two little kids, my sister in law, etc.. can only handle her for a few hours before she drives them up the wall. Well, my wife had to deal with D3 (then D2) for a year at home most of the time because no day care could handle her the whole day. they would call us to come get her at noon!

So, wife has really given A LOT. But I always thought I was doing an awesome job of helping as much as possible. I woke up at 6.30am every single day (even though my work starts at 10am) and took care of D3 so wife could sleep in.

Since I own my own business, I would often come home as early as 3pm to help my wife with D3. I did almost every single dinner, bath and bedtime for then D2. So doing all the waking up early, doing all the working to make money, and doing all the bedtime and baths, and NEVER complaining or holding it over wifes head, I thought I was doing well. My mother in law thinks I am an INCREDIBLE husband. I really am selfless which is why I disappeared from here when people started telling me I looked down on her, or I was selfish. Couldn't be further from the truth.

Another important element that her therapist told me (I went to one session with her therapist just to ask her about wife) is her relationship with her father. Her father was a very angry man her whole life and she was scared to death of him. After her parents divorce, she stayed and lived with her father. She was only 13 years old and scared to death of him, but she CHOSE to stay with him to take care of him. She did the dishes, the laundry, made dinner and cleaned the house, all by choice. Her father never pushed her to do that.

She has unresolved issues with her father. He lives only 10 miles from our house yet he will go upto 6 months without stopping by to see his only grand daughter. He is a very nice guy as he did a lot of work on himself after his wife left him, and I like him a lot. But he lets my wife down a lot, and I have always helped my wife believe the excuses with both made on his behalf for his lack of interest.

He forgot his tie when he arrived at his only daughters wedding. He didn't get us a wedding gift until 6 months after wedding...and my parents had paid for our entire wedding, and our honeymoon in vegas, and most of our furniture for our house, and had helped me get started in business by investing in my project. She always felt her dad didn't do enough for her. Also after high school she discovered her dad had not saved even one dollar for her college tuition, and my parents paid for me for 5 years in college, and bought me a car etc...all while I was with her.

So, taking care of her dead beat dad since 13, then taking care of me and doing all of our housework chores since she was 18, then taking care of one crazy daughter for 2.5 years and it was building up. still, she was handling it and doing a fine job and never complained. I blame the Zoloft she was put on (therapist prescribed it just for some anxiety wife was having) and then therapist double the dose 4 days before BD.

My research shows some people lose there ability to care, or to feel compassion for others. And she definitely lost that! She is the type that would rub my feet after a long day at work, run me a hot bath, and then rub my back before bed. I of course reciprocated and took good care of her during her monthly womens friend visits, went with her to all gyno appointments, never missed any prenatal apts, helped deliver our baby etc.. we had a great relationship!

So to answer your question, no this is not her at all. If she was a have fun at all costs type of person I would never have been with her from the start. She would have gotten out of this relationship a long time ago since we had some very bad lows. She would have bailed on her father all those years ago. She has blown a fuse I think, and it is definitely an out of character crisis. Again, that is the only reason I think I can move past her having shared herself with another man, even though no one else had ever "been there" except me. Because I truely believe at some point she will realize what she did and will truely regret all of this. Thats if my wife ever emerges from this crisis. Her mom barely recognizes her own only daughter and lifetime best friend. They are only 17 years apart and had a very VERY close relationship. Which is why my mother in law is helping me, because she believes her daughter is sick right now.

Sorry if that was too detailed, it was kind of for me also to remind myself why I am doing this. Like I said, I need some motivation to stick this out some more, and remind myself of how special my wife is always helps.

thanks everyone!

[SM34]

Gabby's mom I see your point. I am a little arrogant, but I can assure you it is in a good way. I think highly of myself, but I never told my wife that I was better than her or that she was lucky. Quite the opposite actually. I always told her I was so lucky to how found her so young and not had to waste time with losers. Actually I never really had a serious girlfriend before her, and I was 20 already! I mean of course I had girlfriends and all that, but none that I wasted too much time on, because none were worthy of introducing to my parents if you know what I mean.

But I get what you are saying.

As far as the therapist, that is where we all believe it is a crisis somehow related to the meds, or some fuse blowing and not the typical WAW scenario. Here is why:

My wife started having some anxiety (embarrassingly this was triggered by her smoking some synthetic marijuana with some silly girlfriends of hers and landing herself with a panic attack in the ER. I went and comforted her there). Since that day, she had waves of anxiety come and go, and the ER had given her XANAX but that ran out. One day she said I think I want to go talk to a therapist so I can get a prescription for something to help with this.

She goes to a therapist that she doesn't know. Signs all the release forms to allow therapist to discuss anything she says with ME, although we didn't plan for me to go to the therapist because I didn't have anxiety or any issues to discuss.

She immediately gets a prescription for 50 mg of Zoloft. The first hour session is spent discussing wifes early life, her parents divorce etc.... no mention of marriage problems.

Second session 3 weeks later, anxiety is pretty much gone. More discussion of parents divorce, problems seem to be with wifes father, and the difficulties with our daughter. No mention of marriage problems. In fact, tells therapist I am an awesome husband and a great partner because I am always there for her, and I am great with our daughter.

Third session with therapist. More discussions of daughters difficulties in day care. More talk of how great I am, and how I come home early to help with with D2. No mention of marriage issues. Zoloft prescription doubled to 100mg (double). Four days later...bam.. the bomb. Wife says she is confused, needs 6 months off from marriage, knows we have something special but doesn't know why she is having feelings for someone else, needs time to think.

wife tells me to go see her therapist that day, to help me deal with all of this. I went to her therapist who pulls out wife file and shows me ALL the notes she had made. She had written great husband, great daddy, awesome guy. Great life companion etc.. She told me to go home and tell wife to come IMMEDIATELY because this could be a manic reaction to the meds.

Wife refuses to go. says she is going to have a counselling meeting with her girlfriends to see why she is having this EA (nothing physical at the time). I discover months later through snooping, that she didn't go meet her friends (who would be the biased shoulder anyone because one is OM's sister in law), she actually went to meet OM at a hotel because he had come in town especially for this bomb drop event. She rushes to see OM, has her first sexual encounter with him in a hotel room. Comes home that night after her mom pressured her to come home and work it out (we thought she was at a meeting with her girlfriends)

Comes home that night, shouting and screaming, saying through all of my stuff away, I'm done with this marriage, I want a divorce. Thats the last time she has mentioned a divorce to me.

25yearsmlc, my wife is out and my daughter just got awakened for some reason. Need to get her back to bed. Will respond to your questions later tonight!

[leopoldstotch]

SM it seems to me you are more a father figure to your W than you are a H. Go back and re-read your posts and you should see that you are more like a father than her lover.