I think many of us here were/are dealing with control issues, seems to underlie our themes. If we always want to control everything, that is not having respect for others abilities.
Yes! Or just respect for them as another person, regardless of abilities. Mistakes force us to learn new ways. If others are constantly doing for us, how will we ever learn anything. When out kids were learning to walk we didn't carry them everywhere just because we were afraid they'd fall.
Lack of self-respect keeps us from recognizing our boundaries, we give and given and give or we let people take and take and take. Lack of self-respect keeps us controlling because what if we mess up? We might look like a fool or people won't think we're smart.
More good thought stirrers.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
The biggest change for me since I began my recovery is my new love and respect for myself. Even though it hasn't "brought my h back" all other areas in my life have improved.
My relationship with my sister, my parents and my kids, my work life has become more manageable and enjoyable since I learned to love myself.
So simple so hard
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
from Val 2 - Respecting Others - this is also done regardless of their actions. Respect is not earned, it is deserved. People love to think they are deserving of it.. and that is very true.... This I have to ponder on...I think there are levels of respect....yes, I have to think on this.
Why do you think their are levels? I'm not saying to respect their actions. I'm saying to respect that they are a person. Very different things.
Originally Posted By: labug
and this, Give first - then you will receive. But if not - that is totally fine too.
What about this sentence makes you think?
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Great, thought provoking post bug. As you know, I've been thinking a lot about self respect lately myself.
Originally Posted By: labug
Neither of us had the self respect or strength to hold out for what was important to us; having done that would have us in a much different place today.
This is so true....for most of us here I think. Over the course of my M, my W never stood up for what she believed in, what she had strong feelings about. She muddled thru, didn't get her needs met, grew resentful, had some EAs, and then filed for D.
Upon filing for D, I feel like finally, she had found some self-respect. She finally said "no more...this is not the way I want to live or how I want to be loved." And then she starts behaving without any boundaries, neither her own, nor mine...and the positions shift.
Hi labug, am spending this evening with your threads. Thanks for the posts.
Your respect post brought up some painful memories. I had a very difficult time during our separation, and eventually tried pleading with my W to talk to me and work it out, essentially insisting that she not walk away. One of the comments I remember was her insisting that I didn't respect her and treated her poorly. That stopped me cold, since I didn't really think of myself as someone who didn't respect my wife. Yes, maybe in specific instances, but not in general.
I did realize that I often tried to control situations, and started working on that. I stopped arguing with her as she moved out. I tried to show consistent interest in reconciling, without trying to pressure her to talk. I don't know whether any of it was noticed, probably seen as too little too late if it was. At some point I realized that this is what she meant by respect. She felt smothered in the relationship, felt controlled by me, and she came to see it as lacking respect for her. Of course, it's not how I saw it, but that's sort of irrelevant.
Anyway, it's a good meditation, and I enjoyed the comments. Respecting yourself and others is something tied up in boundaries and control that takes some real effort to understand.
H: 38 xW: 38 M: 16 T: 18 S: 9 BD: 2/2012 W moved out 4/2012 D: 11/2012
I am really learning/enjoying the focus of this thread right now.
I love this:
Lack of self-respect keeps us controlling
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
BD, did you stand up for what you believed in? For yourself? Did you have good boundaries then?
Nope....the positions shifted and I struggled against it without knowing how to change the dynamic as much as she did. I've been in limbo a long time because of it.
