Thank you everyone, Snodderly, Sam, 25, Frozen and MizJ, for your thoughts and prayers and for checking in on me.
My parent passed away peacefully early last week. My heart is broken in an entirely different way although I know how lucky I was to have enjoyed our time together.
Most of the last two weeks have been filled with family and friends.
All experiences change us and this one has been no different.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
LATER ON, when the dust settles, you can bet you'll see some things more clearly...and that clarity will help you assess better.
I agree. I am not sure I have reached clarity yet, but life seems very different now that I have lost my loved one. I really cannot explain the change. It is more of a realization that for the last eight months, I have supported everyone from xSO to other family members without truly feeling like any support was returned. Like a pillar supporting a house. But when I look closely, that piller is showing a strain and cracks.
The saying goes that if you do not take care of yourself, no one else will. That may be true, but at the same time, I think that is rather sad.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
As much as I talk about & believe in forgiveness being our way out of hell, there are some actions/omissions that are, in the end, not forgivable.
Oh It's not that we hold onto the pain of their abandonment or ugly remarks...no it's not that. It's that we no longer see them in the same way or with the same value, and at some level, we know we never will.
25, this was elegantly written and something I have felt but have not been able to express so well.
The day my parent passed, I called xSO with the news. We did not talk for long but I recall telling him that I was very disappointed that he did not contact me the week before to check on me or ask how things were going. He apologized and excused his actions that he was preoccupied with his own mother's troubles.
I probably should not have said that but I was not in DBing mode.
In any event, he did call and text quite frequently through the past week. Out of guilt? He admitted that he felt terrible for not supporting me. Because he still cares? He said he loves me. I do not know but I can guess. For the most part the conversations were about him, not able me.
Snodderly and 25, you both called him self-absorbed and selfish. I try to keep my "facts" as neutral as I can when I journal so that I do not infuse my hopes or judgments into anything. But I have to agree with you. At this point in time, he is and I thank you both for reminding me of the "facts" which too often in my mind get confused with the Once Upon a Time.
Last night, we spoke on the phone. He called me as he has been all week. I have not been very good at DBing and have fallen a bit into "lecture mode". This will stop. A few things were significant to me: he started to call me by my nickname and then changed in mid-stream. Kinda minor but so noticeable. I also asked if he wanted to see me while I was in town as he mentioned that we should before. I would be there on my birthday. He asked if he could get back to me as he needed to check his work schedule.
Zero expectations, detachment...all in my control...did not matter. That hurt. And to me, showed me very clearly that he simply does not care for me anymore. I know there have been a thousand signs but I am just beginning to see them. I do not even trust that he is ever telling me the truth - about anything.
He said he would get back to me. I was thinking of cancelling on him first. My meeting him would involve effort and extra expense and I do not think it is worth it. If I thought that this one visit would change anything, I might go if he said he was available, but it will not, I don't think. I would appreciate someone else's take on this plan. We have not seen each other since the end of November. Should I cancel?
And something strange. He spoke about his IC sessions and that he was going to stop them. His main concern was how to handle one of his family members. He stated that he was not as troubled as some other people and why did he need more sessions? I kept my mouth shut but what I could have said!
Right now, I am not ready to move on. But I will be moving forward. Maybe that door stays open a slight crack and maybe I will see the return of the man that was. There are many things to deal with, including my grief and work that needs to be done.
Portia, My heartfelt condolences go out to you and your family. I am so sorry to come here today and read that your parent has passed away. Take the time to grieve and do not allow anyone to tell you when you should stop grieving. You will know when you have healed.
As for your XSO, I don't think you are ready to face him or have a meet up. I think you would end up providing emotional support to him and his selfishness, w/o him giving anything in return. However, that's my opinion.
Please take care of yourself. This is your time to devote to you and also your family. If your XSO really loves you, he will be there waiting for you when you are ready to meet up w/him and he will listen and support you the proper way.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Portia, I am sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Portia, My heartfelt condolences go out to you and your family. I am so sorry to come here today and read that your parent has passed away. Take the time to grieve and do not allow anyone to tell you when you should stop grieving. You will know when you have healed.
As for your XSO, I don't think you are ready to face him or have a meet up. I think you would end up providing emotional support to him and his selfishness, w/o him giving anything in return. However, that's my opinion.
Please take care of yourself. This is your time to devote to you and also your family. If your XSO really loves you, he will be there waiting for you when you are ready to meet up w/him and he will listen and support you the proper way.
THIS^^^...and besides, if anything were to be "new" or noticed, it'd be you cancelling first. I cannot see any realistically good outcome at this time, for YOU.
Go heal...and God bless.
I think the death of a parent is an under rated event. I've lost one, as has h. My mom now has rapidly declining dementia.
No way out but through it -and It just sukks.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you - all of you - for your condolences and prayers.
It has been difficult but my memories are all happy ones.
I don't have a lot of time this morning to catch up with everyone else, but I will.
Thank you Snodderly and 25 for your advice. I have taken it.
xSO texted me two "funnies" yesterday. This morning I acknowledged them and then just briefly said not to worry about the day, I had decided to leave town after my business concludes rather than stay. I did not give a reason. For some reason it felt important to me that I cancel before he had the chance to tell me his decision. I felt more in control that way.
In hindsight, this situation brought home to me one of the things pre-bomb drop that I never paid much attention to. Once upon a time, if I was coming to town, he would immediately say great and figure the rest out - there was no "checking schedules" but in the months leading to BD, the hesitation started to occur. I wished I'd paid more attention.
I don't know if he is back with the GF. But I still feel I am getting way less than the truth. I can see why people say that it is tough to get the trust back once it is gone.
Portia, (it's Frozen, AKA Melting now..) I am so very sorry to hear of your parent's passing. My condolences to you and your family. Big hugs.
I can only imagine how you are feeling and expecting the same support from your xSO that you would have had in the past. Experiences like you have had recently often allow for serious clarity and perspective and I imagine that's a lot of what your're experiencing now. I agree with the others to not see your xSO now and am glad to see you owned the decision and took over that control yourself. You're a strong woman, LDR's have to be in the first place.
I don't have any significant words of wisdom other than to continue to take care of yourself and feel your feelings. You're doing very well and, despite the pain of your recent loss, appear to be focused on the what is best for you during this time. I wish you continued progress in your journey.
Melting, thank you for your support. I like the new name! I just peeked over at your thread and am glad to see that you and your H are progressing. I know not everything is easy.
I did feel in control of the decision to cancel. I would not say I felt good about it, but in control. A little sad, too. I think for me this is how I will detach as long as I remain in contact with xSO. All the little ways in which I feel he shows me he just no longer cares. Sometimes I do have moments when I would rather be shot of him than continue.
He called me that night. I did not bring up the cancellation but he did. I think I put some pressure on him which was not good DBing when he asked me about the cancellation, I just said "well you sounded like your schedule was full.". He then gave me a different excuse than before and said he had promised to work for someone. My gut tells me this is not true.
He then said well, why don't we meet up another night? I said I honestly did not know if I could because I was there for work with some colleagues. He said he could drive in and see his brother if I was not available. I said "well, we will play it by ear, shall we?"
I hope that the fact that I wasn't willing to pretzel for his company sank in a little. Saying no to any time together when we have so little felt very counterintuitive (as I am told DB should).
I also hope that 25 and Snodderly are right when they say if he cares for me, he will wait. The problem with that is that I am not sure I believe he does care for me. He still talks of wanting to be "in love".
I do not intend to bring up the subject again. In fact, I am thinking of going a little dimmer. Until I can honestly think of him as less than a casual friend, I need some distance. And he does not seem to be in a hurry to contact me; I have not heard from him in almost three days.
I think I am just feeling a little low today. I am trying to catch up at work and this weekend we started to clean my parent's house. Very emotional and a good night's sleep would not go amiss.
