The View from the Blanket II

[bustingout]

Thank you Val for coming here.

I do have abandonment issues. My father left as well. And that has been the at he core of my relationships and particularly with in my H/M.

I became a woman trying to control my environment, so that the abandonment would not happen again. Constantly planning, organizing...never just being and letting others be. I made sure that the the people in my life always knew I was there...right there...to do anything for them, even to the detriment of my own self-worth, self-love and self-respect. I was afraid that if they didn't know I was there, they would forget about me.

I was afraid that if I said/did something that they might not like, they would get mad and leave.

I THOUGHT I was showing love. I thought this made me a giving person. In reality I was a very taking person...needy... and seeking praise and validation from others, especially my H.

Long story short: The first time I went NC with H it was forced upon me. He refused to speak to me, even more so when he started his PA. This extended to the kids and eventually I began to work on myself, through DB, so that I could find a way to encourage H to reconnect with the kids. I think that has been working. In fact I can say with certainty it has. If it had not been for this place and my coaches, I would have taken a very vindictive path with H and would have blocked him out of our lives.

I was also of course very encouraged to work on my M. I don't know if I can say I was consciously aware at the time, but today I am have come to realize that I am driven by a deep conviction that I do not want my kids to grow up with abandonment issues. I am willing to do anything I can to give my kids a second chance to have the family they were born into and is their right to grow up in. Even if that means letting him go.

And, I still love my H.

So I tried to find 'ways' to reach out to him, that were not about the kids. Searching for a means to reconnect with him, in a 'cool and casual' way. And of course on this rollarcoaster, there have been times when things seemed to be softening with him and I thought that was working as well. And maybe it has to a certain extent. Not enough to save my M, but better than if I hadn't started this journey. I am sure of that. And DB has been saving me.

Today: H is working in another country. He is with OW and he says he is done and has moved on.

He calls the kids once a day at a specified and agreed upon time. He used to go weeks without speaking with them.

Up until very recently I used those phone calls as an opportunity to speak with H as well. Friendly chit chat (I thought) despite his reluctance to want to speak with me (more of me looking for some sort of validation from H that I may still have a chance). More recently and upon deeper reflection I have been thinking about this topic of love, respect and giving real love, and having real self-respect.

Did I feel like I was respecting myself when I forced these little chit chats with H?

No.

Was my heart protected?

No.

Was I respecting H's choices no matter how much I don't agree with them and have a different POV?

No.

So very recently I have stopped using the kids' phone calls as a means for me to throw in a little chit chat as well. Have I spoken to him otherwise? Yes. We have two young kids and there are things we have to talk about regardless of the sitch.

I have texted him when the kids were busy during his normal time of calling so that he could rearrange another time to call.

I have emailed him pictures of special events the kids have been engaged in while he has been gone.

And I know I have done that out of love for my kids and respect for their R with their father.

I remain more true to myself. That means when we do talk I am friendly and positive and even 'jokey'.

I realise (slowly) that at this stage it may not be about saving my M anymore, but saving myself and saving the R my kids have with their father. At least making sure I am not an obstacle to him creating a R with them.

So Val to (finally!) answer your questions (apologies for the run-on post),

Looking at your actions outside of N/C. Do you feel that they are positive and loving? Do you feel like your H knows where you stand in regards to him and your marriage?

What do you fear the most from N/C?

The few interactions we have are loving and positive. They have been for awhile, but I have now removed my 'needs'/'neediness' (selfishness?) from the equation.

He knows where I stand with regards to the M and him. I feel I have communicated this in a loving manner. But I fear with NC, he will forget about me, or think I no longer care. I fear NC will be the end of hope and the reality of the current status quo.