Well I've held off posting in piecing, but I think its time as I hope to get some advice about how to progress from here.
I've not kept up on my own thread but have posted on other friends threads and kept up with their sitches, always hoping for good news for them.
Some will know that I managed to get myself out of the downstairs bedroom after 5 months and back into the MBR. No complaints from H. Two months later we went on a cruise that had been booked prior to bomb drop and despite H leaving his job of 27 years the day before we were due to leave, it went well. It was much needed diversion, as it was a very traumatic decision by my H, but one that was necessary and the cause of his very strange behaviour for at least 12 months, I believe.
During these past 4 months, we have worked hard on a new business venture together. It has meant selling our beloved home and borrowing a huge sum of money to invest in the business. I have done really well with this as I'm not a risk taker so i'm really out of my comfort zone. We are still trying to sell the house. Its a reluctant sale but necessary to move forward. I have suffered from D for years and have found this another hurdle in my recovery. Earlier in my sitch I lost a new job, due in part to my inability to fullfil my duties adequately because of my despair. I had 4 bomb drops in 12 months, even though I thought we were trying to work through our difficulties. Each time was more devastating than the previous. The last time H was never changing his mind about D. I found DB and wonderful coach Jody.
I can't call what happened in Sept last year a reconciliation. I felt a small shift in H's attitude and took a leap of faith. I told him I wanted to come back to the b'room. He never complained. Then we just carried on. Me very cautiously to keep up my 180's and PMA, despite the difficultes we faced with job losses. We had never talked about what happened in the R. In fact we never mentioned it at all, not one word, until this morning, Valentine's Day here.
It came up because H knows I'm upset about selling the house. He mentioned that he had a job offer (not a good one) by a competitor company to the one he worked for for many years. I mentioned that if it had been a good offer that I really hoped he would consider it, because then we would not have to sell the house. He responded with .."why??? don't you want to go into this venture together". I really have tried, but my depression has hindered my thought process. I told him I was struggling with the decision, but doing my best to support him. He asked why. I told him I found it difficult to talk to him..because well gosh der go figure! (I didn't say that). He kept pressing, and asking why I couldn't talk to him. He said I need to know your thoughts so we can both make decisions about our future. I thought this is it I've got a chance to bring it up.
I'm not sure if I said the right things and won't go into great detail here...but I told him I had been very hurt about his past attitude to me but still validated him, my job loss, difficulties with S25, being alone in my marriage for many years while he prioritised his work, raising my 3 kids basically by myself, no support with my Depression...other things also. When I looked forward to spending more time with him and some financial freedom after kids finished private school, he told me he didn't care about me, LYBNILWY, sick of me controlling him.. blah blah blah. We've all heard it.
After putting this forward my best "I" messages. He never acknowledged any of it. Just didn't mention it ..and back to the immediate issues about the business of selling the house and buying the business. So no apology or I was in a bad space at the time or I still feel the same way or I don't feel the same way now???? Huh!! what is a person supposed to think about this? Is this good, or is this not?? I recently read MWD notes on forgiveness and its very helpful BTW, but I wonder why H is such an emotional cripple. Am I to be worried? He did show some remorse in his body language, dropped shoulders and kindness in his tone. Then breezed out the door to his current casual job.
Do you think we can move on successfully without discussions about what was going over this 12 month period? Or should I just leave it well enough alone? I still give him plenty of space, time, support, etc. But hey I feel short changed. Do I just need to let this go? I'm having trouble.
You may never get an actual apology. My H has a very hard time with apologizing. Keep on acting as if everything is moving in a positive direction. Keep a positive and loving attitude. (Fake it �till you make it)
My H and I decided we would set aside a time to discuss anything bothering us. It was a disaster. All kinds of thing in the past came up. I came to the conclusion it's better to address things when they happen or soon after, and then let it go.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Thanks SS..That is helpful. I'm sure I've read your comments on a previous post of yours. I think basically its a guy thing. Some really struggle with stuff like this. My DB coach told me that guys really "HATE" R talks so mostly I try not to make a big deal about it. Other times I feel a bit short changed. I'm cycling between the two.
Funny about what I said above about H being an "emotional cripple". He handed me a Valentines Day card this afternoon. Inside he had written "To My Valentine, Lots of Love from The Emotional Cripple". I guess he knows himself better than anyone.
I definitely agree with what you said about addressing things and then letting them go. I've found that it works best for us too. I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach trying to figure whether to bring up an issue or let it go. When I decide something has to be said, I take a deep breath....I just don't lecture or get into a rave. It works best. Then we kiss and move on.
I wonder how long it will take before that feeling subsides. BD No. 5?? This is definitely a work in progress.
After "the talk" I wondered if H would be distant but it seems to have helped. He's not a sensitive man but I can feel something has softened in him. Read on TVS and RH posts about trying not to pout because we feel so hurt and want them to pay I guess. I won't go back down that road either..that's the old me before BD.
Funny about what I said above about H being an "emotional cripple". He handed me a Valentines Day card this afternoon. Inside he had written "To My Valentine, Lots of Love from The Emotional Cripple". I guess he knows himself better than anyone.
How interesting!
My H isn't really talkative about many subjects at all. I asked him recently if he was talkative as a child and he said "no". He said he was only talkative at the beginning of our R but has reverted back to the way he was.
I'm trying to process that in terms of building a new R. How that would look.
Everybody here says we will get the answers if we wait long enough. Maybe some of the answers won't be verbal. Idk.
Glad to see you are getting some kisses. I'm getting regular short kisses too which is really, really nice. Patiently waiting for longer ones
Keep up the good work Hugs, rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Thanks for posting RH. Yes its interesting! Am enjoying the little kisses too and just an overall more relaxed H than I have had in years. Still a way to go yet but I'm grateful.
Just finished reading this topic and your last two topics. Lucky I had spare time at work today. At least I now know your sitch GALbaby and thank you again for all your quality responses to mine.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
HWA..i just went back and read my previous threads too. I haven't done that at all. Didn't want to re-live that stuff. It did help reinforce how grateful I am for the support I received, the lessons i've learned and the friendships made. I look at the words on the screen and think there are real flesh and blood people hurting at the other end of those words. Its a sad place.
I'm glad you find my responses helpful.
For now things are OK for me. H definitely has some of his joy back since leaving his job. That has of course, created a whole new set of problems for us though. I have to raise some unpleasant financial issues which I never look forward to. It was H's big one. I control all "his" money. I guess its never a nice topic even at the best of times, so i'll try and use my best "I" messages and validation. I get a huge pain in the gut just thinking about it. Suck it up girl!!
Getting through some difficulties with discussions about not so pleasant subjects. So far H is accepting what I say and working with me. I still get scared...guess I'm still trying to get my confidence back. This is a major step for me. I've had my mouth taped shut for so long I almost forgot about my voice. Still learning.
Wondering if I really have any chance at saving my marriage here...or am I just living in false hope. I see some changes but when it comes to the important things in an R, its always a disappointment. Its our 29 year anniversary on Saturday. H comes to me last night and says "don't think I've organised anything for our anniversary because I haven't". I replied "I never have any expectations". Then he said.."we could go out for dinner or something I suppose...but we don't have to, we don't have much money". I tried not to flinch but I must have. Then he said "what's the matter"...DER? I asked calmly ..what kind of invitation is that?. He said of course i'm in trouble again aren't I, and proceeded to act as though I had done something wrong. I simply said you're the one that keeps going on about it..not me. The rest of the evening I was quiet. Reflecting on the disappoitments and rejection and realising its always been like that and will probably never be any different. What makes it more painful is that H never has a day off with me. His day off is spent playing golf with his buddies. He is also going away for two days golfing next week. Wonder Why there is no money left for us?
I never had a proper reconciliation or recommitment to my marriage, I was just living in hope and pushing things under the rug like I usually do in order that I can keep pressing forward with my life, trying to count my blessings and be happy. I continue to accept a few crumbs from H and think he's doing me a great favour.
