Well... my wife wanted to talk today about our relationship and what we are going to do. It is said here NOT to bring up any talks about the relationship. I spent lots of time today answering questions, accepting blame, acknowledging past failures and expressing my sincere remorse for hurting her.

I also (on the advice of my coach) tried to appeal to her heart. Letting her see that I support her, love her and want her to be happy. He told me not to withdraw. He told me to listen for her hopes and dreams. To look to building connectedness. I listened to her. Today I actually heard her communicate in a way she never has before. She revealed her insecurities. She has NEVER done that before.

She has told me that she doubts absolutely everything. Why did we get married? What was our marriage built on? Was there anything good in our relationship? Was it dis-functional from the start? Did I marry her to fill a need? Did she marry me to fill a need? She told me that she always felt safe and loved with me and that in any previous relationship that she was in, she feels that she always ended it first to avoid being hurt by the other individual.

I had hurt her greatly this past summer when I turned on her and verbally attacked her for her friendship with a guy I suspected was pursuing her. In doing so, I communicated to her that I didn't trust her and I was also critical of her. The damage I did was immense.

She doubts my love for her. She doubts us as a couple. She doubts the ability for us to have a happy future together. She isn't sure of anything. She told me today that she really feels that we would both be better off if we got a divorce and rebuilt our lives separately. She's scared and confused.

I don't know if it was a poor decision, but I expressed what I felt were good things about our relationship. I didn't try to convince her or sell anything to her, but I did acknowledge her fear of more of the same and expressed that I felt I was the same person, but with a different (new) outlook on life.

If this isn't the bomb drop, it's EXTREMELY close to one. It's not been a very good day. I really don't know what to do now. Just trying to calm myself down.