"The balance between acting out of love and not feeling like a ‘doormat’ or even a pursuer is where I find a struggle. Is love given even when one removes themselves out of harms way? Is showing myself love by not initiating contact with H (except for matter of the kids), also extending love to H? It may be since he has declared he does not want me in his life. Is that respect for H? Is it respect for myself?"
You posted this on 25's thread. I wanted to bring it over here so we can talk about it.
I do not know if you have read my thread but my xw and I do not talk... at all.
Quick recap - we had a very loving separation, she told me it wasn't goodbye and she wanted me in her life - turned to needing space - turned to I don't know how to have you in my life... but then every once in awhile send a facebook post, or a random text. Hardly enough contact to even be considered an acquaintance but ripped off my band-aid every time.
Her walking away from me was one of the harder things in life I've had to deal with.. especially since it happened before.. when I was 9 with my father. So many abandonment issues....
.... that I finally had to deal with because N/C made me...
I asked myself those same questions often. If I'm honest - there are still times when it comes up... and I always ask myself the same question to get the answer
"Val - what are you truly afraid of here?"
Because more often or not it wasn't about if I was being loving to xw or myself - it is always deeper.
Like how after my dad left - I made love a performance based action. If I loved a certain way or did good deeds - I would be loved in return.
Or fear - If I let them leave, I have no control over the sitch and they may never come back.
Both of these things stem from abandonment issues.
And I needed to look at my actions NOW.
1. Am I kind to xw when I talk to her - Yes 2. Am I making sure I'm not doing things out of anger when there is communication - Yes. 3. Have I communicated to her that I respect her decision but that the door is open - Yes.
And by that time the fear was over and I was back to seeing N/C as a loving action.. because I respected her decision and I respected my heart.
Soooo back to you....
Looking at your actions outside of N/C. Do you feel that they are positive and loving? Do you feel like your H knows where you stand in regards to him and your marriage?
What do you fear the most from N/C?
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
