Looking for a little advice and support

[findingself]

Well look at it this way...at least she is giving you some hope early on, mine is telling me he thinks he can never see us together...making me have very little hope...he wants to make sure not to give me hope he says...thanks!

I am trying to tell myself the more time the more H might really believe in the changes that I have done...I know my H he is thinking any change right now is fake...and saying to himself if she could change so quick now...why didn't she do it earlier...

There just so much up in the air in our lives and almost all of the control is in anothers hands it feels like, I try to look at what I can control day to day, minute to minute seems to help me along with a glass of wine!

[cbtdad]

Thanks Findingself! I know how that feels. My W said a couple days after BD that she doesn't think she could ever love me again. That our S was actually happier when I wasn't home and that he never asked about me when I was gone. Those words stung. And she said them anger. So when I heard not to believe every thing they say it did make me feel better at least:) I know she said it outbid anger.
A couple of weeks ago she said, "I'm happy being friends. I don't want to feel this way. I'd rather be happy as a family. I just don't know what can possibly change that" I knew not to take that to the extreme one way or the other.
I think we all want to believe that we've truly changed so quickly and that things can work out with our spouses, but I guess the reality is that this does take time for true change and takes time for he anger or hurt to go away from the other side.
So we all need Patience!! One foot forward and having patience.
You can do it! We can do it!
Oh and a glass of wine does help every once in a while:)

[cbtdad]

sorry to jump in... but your patience is awesome!! WTG cbtdad!

Thanks! Working on it big time. Lot of help from the long timers on here. There advice is starting to sink in

[cbtdad]

I know you said you are going dim soon, I just wanted to tell you I admire your patience. It is something I am trying to apply to my own marriage.

Thank you!

[cbtdad]

Got a question. Which I'm pretty sure I know how to handle it, but wanted some advice anyways.
W is living with MIL and I'm in apartment. She moved into MIL I'm pretty sure for a few reasons. 1. So she wouldn't be lonely 2. To fix up house quicker 3. To sell it
House is hers. Was a gift from her grandmother. So I know she wants to sell it so she can have cash. House worth about 260k and paid off.
So she has mentioned that she would buy a house closer to her barn for horses. Something smaller so she would probably pocket about a 100k and wouldn't have to work for a while.
Here is the thing. She always seems to rush into things and doesnt really think about it before doing it.
Yes it would be closer to her barn, so more convenient for her.
But it means S work have to spend and extra 20 mins in car each way from his school, also be further from school when he is a little older. It would be further from Church and other things(if we were to reconcile)
I'm just frustrated that she would go ahead and sale the house move out there, when she says she wants to work on it together at some point and neither of us know what's going to happen.
So my question is. Should I bring up my concerns at all?
I'm thinking I shouldn't say a word. But just feel like if she does this and then gigs do work out, that we will then have to deal with that.
On another note, I've gone 2 days with no contact other than S talk.
Thanks AS!! I have that graph in my head now and don't want to so go back to beginning. Lol

[azguy]

Hi cbt, Following your story and trying to glean good advice from it. Thanks for sharing.

"Can someone help me understand why evn though W says she wants to work on it at some point it seems like I'm having a harder time not thinking about it?"

You mentioned that she didn't believe you earlier, when you said you wouldn't hold not going to RetroV against her. This sounds to me like the same feeling with the tables turned. You're not sure you can trust her, maybe? If you're both having the same feelings of willingness and distrust, it is at least a starting point.

I'd say unless you can say something about the house sale in a way that sounds nonmeddling, or not trying to apply pressure, it will just work against you. My DB coach likes to point out that often WAW in these situations are like teenagers (not meant to be an insult to them, just a useful comparison). They are very defensive about being independent. Assuring her that you trust her to make good decisions was her advice on how to approach these situations.

[cbtdad]

That's very good advice. I appreciate it.
Speaking of RetroV I ended up telling her not to worry about it right now and that I thought it was too soon. I called the people to let them know we wouldn't make it. I could tell she was surprised that I did that. I told her not stress about it right now and just take care of what she needs to

[cbtdad]

I have really done a good job of detaching and GALing over the past week. I'm beginning to see that things will definitely be ok with or without W in future. I would still like for us to work on it together at some point. Having said that one of the things I'm having a problem with though is deciding how much to help her out with horse show things and scheduling. She has a horse show end of April and beginning of May. Here is some texting back and forth this morning. Let me know some thoughts or advice on how to handle it maybe:

Me: What are the dates for that show end of April.

W: Last week in April first week in may

Me: What days are you going is what I'm asking? I'm up against deadlines on goals I need to hit by may 15.
I need to start putting his stuff down. I want to give you enough time to make alternate plans if I can't help the whole time

W: I really wanted to do Thursday- Sunday. Maybe the second wed if possible. I was going to see if you would maybe bring him up that Sunday and I would just keep him w me mon/tue

Me: I'll put down that you are leaving Thurs 25th. Not sure about the bringing him Sunday thing. How do you plan getting him back?

W: Idk haven't thought that far

Me: K. Well please try and have that figured out by the end of this month.
I can't continue to put my work and life secondary to your horse life.
I'm beginning to realize that we need to figure out how you are going to do this without me in the picture. I can't just stop what I'm doing. I'm sorry

W: I'm not asking you to put your life on hold

Me: Figure out which week you need the most help with is I guess what I'm saying. I can't do both weeks back to back. I just need to know by the end of the month.
I know you're not asking for me to put my life on hold. But you are asking me to help out quite a bit during weeks. Obviously weekends are ok. But it's these weekdays that I am having a problem with.
This is something you need to start figuring out anyways assuming we divorce. I think you know that though.

W: Ok but I'm not asking you for the weekdays really. Just like thurs nights...

Me: Yes that's correct assuming everything goes according to planned. If I've learned one thing with your new world is that it usually doesn't. And with a child, things certainly don't always go according to plan.
Case in point next week

[azguy]

Sounds like you're trying to set boundaries (usually helpful), but also conveying unhappiness (not helpful).

"I can't continue to put my work and life secondary to your horse life.
I'm beginning to realize that we need to figure out how you are going to do this without me in the picture. I can't just stop what I'm doing. I'm sorry "

I'm not sure how you think this comes across. To me it sounds like a threat to withdraw. Might it be more helpful to say something like "I want to help but need a clearer schedule to be able to coordinate this with work. I'm asking you to provide me x amount of notice." Then stick to whatever agreement you think you can make.

"This is something you need to start figuring out anyways assuming we divorce. I think you know that though."

Why are you bringing up divorce? Sounds like you have one foot out of the relationship when you say this.

"If I've learned one thing with your new world is that it usually doesn't. "

You sound bitter here. Does it really need to be said?

Overall, I like that you're trying to offer her support and coordination. Offer her what you can in the spirit of kindness. Be clear to her when you cannot, without blaming her for it (if it's last minute, you can't help, but you don't need to point out it's her fault, it's just too bad it worked out that way.) Rooting for you. Maybe some more experienced members can have better insight.

[AnotherStander]

Here is some texting back and forth this morning. Let me know some thoughts or advice on how to handle it maybe:

Wow, well it sounds like you were really trying to push her buttons. I think you could have been a lot more diplomatic:

Me: K. Well please try and have that figured out by the end of this month.
I can't continue to put my work and life secondary to your horse life.
I'm beginning to realize that we need to figure out how you are going to do this without me in the picture. I can't just stop what I'm doing. I'm sorry Let's see if we can coordinate this together by the end of the month.

Me:
I know you're not asking for me to put my life on hold. But you are asking me to help out quite a bit during weeks. Obviously weekends are ok. But it's these weekdays that I am having a problem with.
This is something you need to start figuring out anyways assuming we divorce. I think you know that though.
I would be happy to help on weekdays as well, I just need as much advanced notice as possible so I can coordinate with my work schedule.

Me: Yes that's correct assuming everything goes according to planned. If I've learned one thing with your new world is that it usually doesn't. And with a child, things certainly don't always go according to plan.
Case in point next week Sometimes things don't go exactly as scheduled, but I'll adapt as best I can if things change.

Remember, it's the small interactions like this one that are driving EVERYTHING right now. Do things right in these interactions and you keep the way home paved and smooth. Do these things wrong and it's just a reminder to the WAS of why they don't want to stay in the M.