Say What? That's what I wanted to say when H said he wanted to try. Last week I said, ...whether it works out between us or not, we'll continue to get along. He responds, oh no, it's going to work out. What??
Where did all this confidence come from? A couple months ago he was still unsure and now he is certain things will work out. Funny how things change.
I'm not completely on board with him. I would like to be, guess that's good, but I'm still very detached (lovingly) where I don't see how this is going to work.
He's made leaps into being a better, way better H but I am so impatient about rebuilding trust. I made a MC appt for next thurs. I think I should journal what I want to bring up.
TOP PRIORITY -We have different interpretations on how and when to rebuild trust. -I want to start TODAY. I want to be able to see some transparency in him. Anything he can provide, frequent phone calls (I asked him for this but still waiting) holding hands (still waiting...) and other stuff that he is just not ready for (letter to OW, checking his phone).
IC told me to observe how he responds to conflict between us in front of MC. H hates it. If he continues to struggle with this, that's a bad sign. But if he gets better about it then that means he's maturing and we can have a much better relationship than before.
Aside from that, S4 is in the hospital and should be discharged tomorrow. He had invasive surgery yesterday and is recuperating really well.
H has handled it really well. He spent the night last night and is there again tonite. He has been communicating with the drs about his condition. He is really taken up this role.
In the past, I was the primary caretaker for S4 but since D1 is not allowed in the admitting room, H stepped up to the plate! And he's doing really well.
Every now and then he'll do something that bothers me but I don't respond like before. I think about whether it's really important to do it my way. Most of the time it doesn't really matter. When it does I make sure to communicate myself in a loving way. Not at all like before.
Anyways, I'm tired. Gotta wake up early to take D1 to MILs so I can be with S4 while H is at work. Lots of abbrev!! lol!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
now do you Remember the hard stuff YOU can do now, which is to "applaud loudly for the 1% of positives he has done"?. It's not always easy but in this case it just might be.
Sometimes it will be like Mother Teresa hard to do...but I'm telling you it really helps.
Also, what are his love languages? If words of affirmation are among them this is a great opportunity for you to show your appreciation so authentically. It's real. Let him KNOW.
And good for you watching YOUR own behavior...b/c hey, it's all you actuall can control.
When you let the little stuff slide, & don't sweat the small stuff,
you will come to see most stuff IS little and small.
The battles you do pick will be fewer and farther between, we hope!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I posted this on your older thread, fyi. So now I'm copying & pasting it onto here b/c I think you'll get more traffic here, and this way you are on one thread as yours...
SO-- when you said your h has made some efforts to be a better h and you can see those signs,
can you list some? Can you detail a few out?
What I got from your more recent post, was a lot about his help with your son, and what you need to prioritize but what of those things, he has NOT done...
Can you focus on what he HAS done that makes you feel he is trying? We know he stepped up for HIS/YOUR son, which is a huge improvement. Cool!
See, I'm not doubting his efforts so much as asking you to look at what your focus mostly is on...what's missing. Is that b/c too much still is not there from him,
and or
b/c you don't notice the strides with the same attention to detail as you notice the deficits?? Something to ponder.
I think giving him something to live UP TO helps more than expecting and showing him you expect, the worst.
Also, a personal question...why have you never married him?
If he's so confident things can work out w/you two, would his proposing marriage now, be enough of, or at all a symbol of meaning to YOU? To HIM?
Not to judge, but I'm curious. For ME it's far more of a "commitment" when I have a child with a man, than to marry & wear a ring on my finger.
Step away from the past revelations and pain...leave those aside for a minute, and act as if they had not happened.
Marrying is hard enough but If you trusted him to help you raise 2 kids, is there a reason not to marry him now?
I'm really asking if you did not want to marry him before, was it b/c you had misgivings?
OR b/c HE DID? If so, what were they? are those misgivings being addressed?
Good luck 2c and please keep us posted. _________________________
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hwy 2c, I'm happy for you that S gets to come home today.
I'm reading a new book on communication and one of the rules is Make your communication as realistically positive as possible. That was an eye-opener for me.
Then I watched a pod-cast last night about acceptance and I heard about Making your M zero-negativity. Haven't thought that through yet but why not? Maybe I've been out of a R long enough that I'm being unrealistic but discussing differences without being negative would be an interesting challenge wouldn't it.
But when I think about it, that's what I've been working toward with my Ss and H and I have been working toward that with H.
Interesting.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Your self awareness is so inspiring. And i think it beautiful that H has stepped up for him. I would think that can do anything but aid your son with a speedy recovery.
Thank you 2 for all of your support on my thread. I know I don't always respond well, I just don't know what to say sometimes. But I am always thinking and trying to absorb.
I am happy for you and wish you and your family love.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
now do you Remember the hard stuff YOU can do now, which is to "applaud loudly for the 1% of positives he has done"?. It's not always easy but in this case it just might be. I try to toot my own horn from time to time if that's what you mean ;-) Sometimes it will be like Mother Teresa hard to do...but I'm telling you it really helps.
Also, what are his love languages? If words of affirmation are among them this is a great opportunity for you to show your appreciation so authentically. It's real. Let him KNOW. He BASKS in WOA!! and I do it everyday. If I pause after an opportunity to praise him he'll repeat something as if I missed my cue, LOL! This is our new way of communicating which is great for both of us.
And good for you watching YOUR own behavior...b/c hey, it's all you actuall can control. yes yes yes!
When you let the little stuff slide, & don't sweat the small stuff,
you will come to see most stuff IS little and small.
The battles you do pick will be fewer and farther between, we hope!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
can you list some? Can you detail a few out? He is doing more acts of service. I think it's cuz of the WOA and he does it willingly without me asking for it. He listens when I talk. If he interrupts and I call him out on it he apologizes for it. He reminds me that he doesn't want to rely on his mother (fall back on codependency) and does things that let me know he's working at detaching from her (with love) He changes his schedule around so that I can have free time to myself. He is patient when we go on family outings and enjoys himself - where before he would seem rushed and ready to do something else. He listens to my concerns and doesn't get defensive - before he thought I was attacking his family/friends when I was pointing out a concern. Most of the time it was something related to S4. He plans out our week and makes sure I know about these plans - before he was more last minute about things and never wanted to commit to anything. There are more things but these are the ones that stick out, aside from his involvement with S4 and D1.
What I got from your more recent post, was a lot about his help with your son, and what you need to prioritize but what of those things, he has NOT done...
Can you focus on what he HAS done that makes you feel he is trying? We know he stepped up for HIS/YOUR son, which is a huge improvement. Cool!
See, I'm not doubting his efforts so much as asking you to look at what your focus mostly is on...what's missing. Is that b/c too much still is not there from him,
and or
b/c you don't notice the strides with the same attention to detail as you notice the deficits?? Something to ponder.
I think giving him something to live UP TO helps more than expecting and showing him you expect, the worst.
Also, a personal question...why have you never married him? Good question. I took forever to respond to this post because of this question. I wanted to have a BIG wedding after D1 was born. Now I don't know who on my side of the family would go. I would like to get married in the long run but I can't see that happening when I don't trust him.
If he's so confident things can work out w/you two, would his proposing marriage now, be enough of, or at all a symbol of meaning to YOU? To HIM? Again, I would need to trust him to be able to even consider marriage.
Not to judge, but I'm curious. For ME it's far more of a "commitment" when I have a child with a man, than to marry & wear a ring on my finger.
Step away from the past revelations and pain...leave those aside for a minute, and act as if they had not happened.
Marrying is hard enough but If you trusted him to help you raise 2 kids, is there a reason not to marry him now?
I'm really asking if you did not want to marry him before, was it b/c you had misgivings?
OR b/c HE DID? If so, what were they? are those misgivings being addressed? Honestly, I was fine not married. I wanted the BIG elaborate wedding for myself. If I had a BIG birthday party, then I'd be happy. I don't see a wedding the same anymore. I would be happy going to the county courts and getting married. I believed he was committed to me without having the ring. We owned 3 properties together. Had 2 kids. Were planning our future together. I felt very secure in our relationship.
I come from parents who divorced after almost 40 years of marriage. I think that tainted my idea of marriage quite a bit.
Good luck 2c and please keep us posted. _________________________
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Bustingout and IO - Thank you for asking about S4. He's recuperated so much better now. He's definitely more himself. I'm so thankful his surgery went well and he is doing better.
He will continue to have a catheter for another 2 weeks. H has taken it upon himself to spend the night with him. That's right, he's on full time dad mode.
Journaling---- Since H is around more it's kinda weird. I forgot what it was like to live with him. I kinda liked being the captain of my ship but it's nice to have company. Gotta find balance.
We talked yesterday about family stuff. His talk was about managing our properties. My talk was about parenting stuff. We talked, we listened and S4 was watching.
I want to be a good role model for my kids. I want my kids to know what is good communication and I hope they will learn that from us. I didn't get that from my parents.
Everyone's asleep and it's after midnight. This is now the only time I get to be alone. I enjoy watching TV with him but I also enjoy time to myself. Again, balance.
I didn't ask him to help care for S4. I didn't ask him to spend the night nor did I expect him to volunteer. I don't know how long he'll be here and I'm not going to ask.
After he goes to work, I notice he still has his toothbrush in the bathroom sink. That's how I know he's staying again.
I don't want to think about tomorrow. Today is just fine.
MC is Thurs night. Hot topic - Rebuilding Trust
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
