I've been reading Desperate Marriages by Gary Chapman this weekend. Very good book, not as outlined in regard to conduct as DR, but lots of examples and similar living by principals kind of rules.
New understanding this morning thanks to H. He posted on his forum site on someone else's thread about fighting when married - "arguing can be good for marriage. just don't let it get to the point where you don't care enough to argue anymore. that'll bite you in the ass." That has basically been my last few years with H. Apathy. And I used to say that to him when I was trying to get some emotional response "do you want me to just not care anymore??"
I've learned that the apathy is a self protection from getting hurt. Shutting off feelings is easier than dealing with pain or rejection. I understand that. When he left, it took me months to figure out if I truly wanted to pursue my marriage or not. I thought there was no doubt that we would, but I can't say I truly cared for his deep feelings. I just wanted things back to 'normal'. And the drinking before he left was probably to try to numb the feelings that remained, again it's easier to not deal with them. And my anger was a reaction to the lack of emotion. Even his OW FB isn't a relationship with feelings, it's just a thing. He buries himself in work to avoid any emotions and still get positive feelings of affirmation. I've seen the emotion remaining regarding our kids only. And it hurts to see because I can see he's still capable of deep feelings.
But how does DB work with a WAH that has turned off all feeling towards you? I think that makes sense why he can be generally complimentary about me as a person and mother, and why we can still be 'friends' or friendly, it's just because he doesn't care anymore. Indifference. I can DB forever but is there any way to inspire feelings once they're turned off?
