We are not in control of the hurt entirely. Can you accept that that this is the person that you don't want to be with right now, he's not the man you married, you understand that his behaviors are toxic, but it still hurts anyway? AND his behavior is NOT a commentary on you. I've seen plenty of beautiful and accomplished women who were cheated on, lied to, and treated poorly. That is largely a reflection of the person doing those things NOT the person receiving the treatment. I know how hard it is to internalize this as I struggle with it myself. But, I think it is VERY important that you internalize it. It is so important to understand the things that you need to improve but EQUALLY important to understand that you didn't deserve the treatment you received. That you do deserve better. Your H could have ended things in a much more classy and less hurtful way if he needed to be gone. You must understand your worth or else you risk inviting the same exact thing in your life. I did this. So when you say it isn't the point (in finding a new partner), well yes it is, I think. This is about improving yourself and creating a good atmosphere for either your H or any new person you invite back in.
And yes, the hurt does get easier. That's both good and bad. The good is pretty obvious. The bad is that I found the detaching process a bit sad. I am able to have compassion for my H and what he's gone through but I sure don't feel the same way for him that I once did. It has also taken me a long time to understand that I was in love with a figment of my imagination. This is not to say that he is bad, but he's lost in his alcoholism.
And I understand completely what you mean by it all being surreal at times. 2 1/2 years later and I go through that still to a degree. But certainly not like the beginning when I would have constant dreams and nightmares about him. I see a lot of people talk about what they did wrong in choosing a partner when they go through a divorce. You know what I finally arrived at? I think I chose just fine. My H was wonderful for 13 years. And I don't regret it. I just, like you, wish it didn't hurt so much.
Well you soon will be the force that doesn't drive them together. What they are left with? Who knows. But boy, OW sounds like a real prize! And yes, they do deserve one another. I am a big advocate about being kind to others even when they screw up (God knows I do a ton). However, there are certain behaviors, like those displayed by these two, that takes a certain level of cruelty that I don't quite get. I guess they don't see it that way, but I just can't understand being so indifferent to a person's feelings. I get the whole falling out of love thing. That's not what I'm saying. But I think you can walk away with compassion, decency and class.
