As many of you know, being passive aggressive is one of my problems. This evening W was saying that her back was hurting. I asked her if she wanted me to rub it/look at it. She said no. I said ok and then continued to cook supper. 2-3 minutes later W rolls her eyes. I ask what was she thinking. She said "you are mad". I really wasn't. However I can see why she would say that because of the previous PA nature, that is typically what I would do. Just say ok then be cold and quiet.
How do I get around this? A few days ago something similar happened. I probably should not have but I told her that I am not the enemy and asked her why she looks for the worst in me. She said "I don't". We left it at that.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
Having problem with the same thing Grizz. W expects to get angry. I don't and then she says something to try and set me off. Almost like she's testing me.
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Ok, so I'm still new here, and learning. But I'm enjoying (so to speak) following your thread and can't resist jumping in when you ask questions.
She believes you're going to sulk. You admit she's right to us. Did you say that to her? Something like, "I can see how you'd think I'd be mad. It's how I used to react, but I'm working on that."
I'd suggest not confronting her with what you suspect she's thinking (that you're the enemy; that she's looking for the worst). Steer away from anything like that. Show her you are okay with her doubting your intentions, but do your best to be consistent. "I'm trying to keep it up" sounds a lot better than "I am not the enemy".
H: 38 xW: 38 M: 16 T: 18 S: 9 BD: 2/2012 W moved out 4/2012 D: 11/2012
Thanks cbtdad and az for checking in. Yeh, I knew after I made the comment about being the enemy that I probably just should have kept my mouth shut. I did like your response to her thinking that I was mad though. I will use that in the future.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
About the PA stuff, would continuing to talk after you say OK, instead of being "cold and quiet" somehow make it clear that you really meant OK? It seems to me that the PA nature of your response requires you to be cold and distant for it to be PA. Without it, not PA, hopefully?
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
She believes you're going to sulk. You admit she's right to us. Did you say that to her? Something like, "I can see how you'd think I'd be mad. It's how I used to react, but I'm working on that."
This is a great response, so much better than "No I'm not mad" which will just lead to "yes you ARE" "no I'm NOT" I might also suggest that since you know she's going to think you're mad at times like that, do something to show you're not. After she said "no" you might have hummed to yourself while cooking, or changed the subject with something like "hey, did you read that story about xxx" or whatever. Work on projecting PMA to her all the time.
Luke and AS, I do need to show more PMA. Continuing to talk about anything may be the way to go.
Labug, I probably am a little PA with others. The strange thing is that I am so easy going that it actually takes alot to bother me. The sad thing is that I am much quicker to go into PA mode with my W than anyone else. I guess that says alot about where I am at in my life right now. You hurt the ones that you are closest to which is sad.
On a related note, I am sad. My sadness is displayed by me being quiet. This in turn can be perceived as being PA by my W. When my W is disappointed with my actions I become sadder which is perceived again as PA and it just feeds on itself. A terrible cycle to be in and a cycle that needs to be broken. I see it happening I just have to fix it!
Thanks guys!
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
How about not offering to rub your back. How about just saying sorry to hear you're in pain let me know if there is something I can do for you. Seriously. If she wants you to examine her back or rub it she will ask.
No you shouldn't say she looks for the worst in you.
Stop trying to over analyze and mind read stuff.
Again what are you doing to GAL at night. Why are you around your W so much?
I might also suggest that since you know she's going to think you're mad at times like that, do something to show you're not. After she said "no" you might have hummed to yourself while cooking, or changed the subject with something like "hey, did you read that story about xxx" or whatever. Work on projecting PMA to her all the time.