Served

[dorightman]

I had a major backslide. I spent the weekend with the family and was doing great. Spent the night Sunday night because i fell asleep putting my son to sleep. Next morning woke up and started crying. W heard me and was angry at me for crying and disturbing her. It was 6am, she was up writing a paper for work.

I reacted w anger to her angry reaction and things escalated again.

Then, the next day I was reading this book that was recommended here
"The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011", and there was a section on affairs with old boyfriends and reconnecting on Facebook and how common that is.

Well, my W has been reconnecting with an old boyfriend on Facebook, actually, the guy she was with before me. It was just a sexual R, but since we haven't ML in 7 months, it is an issue. He has been posting on her page and she has been liking his posts.

I reacted to this chapter in the book and told her my concern. I told her it was inappropriate and made me feel bad. She told me we are separated and we can have sex with anyone we want to, and I cannot tell her what she can or cannot do. She got so angry that she blocked me from her facebook page.

It brought up all the old issues of me snooping on her, and her feeling that I was trying to control her. I f@cked up big time.

I hope that with time this will pass, but I'am concerned that she wants to sleep w this guy, and that makes me feel very sad.

This all tells me that i haven't detached yet. I just don't know how I'm gonna detach. I feel like I'm incapable of it, and I'm suffering emotionally everyday.

I went through a few months of smoking to make myself feel better, and as much as it did provide some comfort, it hurt me physically and i finally stopped.

I started swimming this morning and I'm going to work out everyday now. It's just so hard for me to be with W and kids together as a family and not feel emotional after a few days. I want my M back so bad and it's just not coming back and I keep having backslides. I feel so down right now, but I know tomorrows another day. I have therapy tomorrow.

[adinva]

I don't know if this helps at all for you, but for me I've been thinking that my marriage broke as the only and most important thing, and all the details of that, my h might be cheating, he's doing things I don't respect or expect from him, the money's getting tight, he's so angry and unreasonable that I almost can't talk to him, etc, etc, etc, and he's probably looking up old girlfriends on FB for goodness sake I have been, we're all trying to do whatever we can to feel better and get happy again... all those are just details and they don't add anything extra to the one big issue that your marriage broke.

What are YOU going to do, that is within your control, about YOU? That's all you can do, and wishing things were different is a waste of time and energy.

Glad you're swimming, glad you stopped smoking. Hang in there, journal often, be good to yourself. I hope therapy is good for you. Take care,

[Breakdown]

We all backslide...it happens. We are human. Even when you are getting it, it's still hard, so cut yourself some slack, pick yourself back up, and start marching again.

Regarding W, you should probably back away for a bit...give yourself some time to refocus and give W some space.

The primer isn't one that I'd recommend you read at this point in your sitch, but since you are, you ought to know that the things you are doing right now are pretty unattractive...not just to your W, but women in general. What else have you read?

Hang in there.

[MrBond]

Ouch. Well there's no point in rehashing anything. You know you did wrong, so chalk it up to experience and don't do it again.

What have you been doing to better your self-esteem? That's what you need to do.

[dorightman]

The therapy helped today. Therapist told me I did we'll last week before my breakdown, that I showed myself that I have a big heart to overcome my feelings against all odds and be empathetic to her needs. He also said that its ok for me to cry and if she doesn't see that it's her problem. I'm being me and being honest when Im grieving. He said that I should try to do things w kids without her, try not to see her so much because it hurts me.

He said I need to be w a woman who can love me for who I'am. He said Im a good guy and I should t be to hard on myself, that Im carrying a lot of weight on my shoulders and he thinks Ive made good progress so far.

I will try to give her much more space now and keep focusing on me and my kids as much as possible.

She is not communicating w me much now, being short on the phone etc.
He said I should leave her alone and not play into her games, that is my power and all that I can do now.

[AnotherStander]

Next morning woke up and started crying. W heard me and was angry at me for crying and disturbing her.

Crying is a normal part of the process of recovering from grief. But there are stigmas attached to crying. The WAS will see it as a sign of weakness even though it really isn't, and the kids might be scared to see dad cry, so it should be done in private. I used to cry all the way home from work, get home, lock the bedroom door and collapse on the floor crying into a towel. This from a person who has barely shed a tear in decades. Oh what fun times those were! I'd get it all out, then clean up, put on a happy face and go out to be a strong father figure to my kids and act "as if" in front of my wife when she would drop by. Just keep in mind that what the WAS might be attracted back to is a strong, confident, happy spouse. So that's what you have to show her, and you have to show it to her all the time.

I reacted to this chapter in the book and told her my concern. I told her it was inappropriate and made me feel bad. She told me we are separated and we can have sex with anyone we want to, and I cannot tell her what she can or cannot do. She got so angry that she blocked me from her facebook page.

I went back and read your OP but am not clear on whether she still lives with you? Are you separated in the same home or different homes? If in the same home you might have a tiny bit of leverage for boundaries, but if in different homes you simply have none and she's right, she can do whatever she wants. So you work on the only thing you have control over (you). I know it's hard to let go of that stuff, believe me, I've walked in your shoes! But letting go is key to saving yourself. And you can't begin to hope to save your M until you save yourself.

This all tells me that i haven't detached yet. I just don't know how I'm gonna detach. I feel like I'm incapable of it, and I'm suffering emotionally everyday.

We all have been there. We all know that feeling of helplessness. This is why we all tell you to get out and GAL. Because it's what started us all on the road to recovery. You literally have to drag yourself out of the house kicking and screaming at first, because every fiber of your being is telling you to stay inside, curl up in a ball under the bed and cry. But every time you drag yourself out it gets a little easier. Before long you WANT to go out. Before long you find yourself having fun in spite of your sitch. And before long you'll suddenly think "wow, I actually went 5 minutes without thinking about W!" Then it'll be 10 minutes. And 15. Etc. etc. This is how the process works. Unfortunately it's not a fast process, but it is an effective process.

[MrBond]

"He also said that its ok for me to cry and if she doesn't see that it's her problem."

True to a point. She told you that she wished you had taken care of your issues before. If you want to save your M, don't do it in front of her.

"I'm being me and being honest when Im grieving. He said that I should try to do things w kids without her, try not to see her so much because it hurts me."

It's because you ALLOW it to hurt you. She was opening herself up to you a little and you need to feed off of the little positives.

"He said I need to be w a woman who can love me for who I'am. He said Im a good guy and I should t be to hard on myself, that Im carrying a lot of weight on my shoulders and he thinks Ive made good progress so far."

He's validating you.

"She is not communicating w me much now, being short on the phone etc.
He said I should leave her alone and not play into her games, that is my power and all that I can do now."

That is how she's been after every one of your breakdowns. She's not playing "games". She was honest with you before and has told you a number of times that she couldn't handle your emotional outbursts any longer. YOU are going to have to learn to control that. Seeing her as "playing games" or as the enemy isn't going to help because you lack the basic coping skills to deal with her right now. Continue to get yourself strong and rebuild your self-esteem.

[dorightman]

Spent the weekend w the kids, we had a great time at the park .
W is keeping boundaries. Wants to relate as neighbors. Will not talk about R without therapist. Feels nothing for me and holding her position.
She said she was angry when I asked for boundaries because she feels like I didn't respect her boundaries until now. She thinks its all about me and that I don't do anything for her.
I feel like she's not going to change, and right now I feel pretty down.

[dorightman]

I know this should be about me and not W, but I have to rant for a minute.

Ever since this began, 12/1/11, the BD as we say, I have been trying to save the M.
Not tried DBing until August, but doing 180's, being a good husband and father.

W had been telling me that we need help and that this was very serious in the beginning. Well, over time, the story changed and it went from we need to work on these very serious problems to now where she is driving the ship straight to divorce.

There is nothing innocent about what w is doing.

By acting the way she is acting, w is going to force an outcome.

W is not giving us a chance to work through any of our problems and w is not giving us a chance to reconcile.

w is forcing us to divorce. Not I.

For the past seven months I have been trying to save our marriage and the reason I have been unsuccessful is because w has stubbornly decided on her own to end our marriage.

W has decided to not give love a chance. W has decided to not let anything I do affect her. W has decided.

Any right minded person who has seen my efforts and knows my love and commitment for W and our family, would agree.

There is nothing innocent about what she is doing.


I may have made some stupid mistakes in the past, but w is the one who's actions are forcing us into a divorce now, in real time, not in the past.

There is nothing true or organic about what w is doing. It is forced action. She is aware of what she is doing, and she is making decisions based on a projected outcome. W is lying to herself, me, and everyone around her including her family and children.

OK, now that I got that thought out of the way, because thats how she's making me feel right now. I know I need to focus on me and kids, not her. I cannot change her.

I understand the process of DB. Save yourself, detach, and give time and space. I get it. Also making yourself into a stronger, more attractive person, etc. I get it.

The problem is that it feels to me that there is nothing I can do to change the outcome of where this is heading. It's not a question of whether it will happen or not, it's only a question of when.

W is very aware of her actions and how to lead us to a D. It is all pre-meditated and being forced to happen the way she wants. Her divorced friends and divorce attorneys have been guiding her step by step.

[dorightman]

I need some clear, simple direction at this point. I cannot keep going this way. It doesn't help. I want to save our M so bad, but W is so determined to get a D that I feel like I have no chance.