Heart of the Matter

[labug]

I need to journal about respect. The topic has come up frequently in the last couple of weeks here and I woke up thinking about it this morning-always a sign to journal.

Sometimes I see references to "demand(ing) respect." Does that ever work? To my thinking that is more fear and intimidation, as I understand respect as freely given based on the actions of another.

Does respect for others have to start with self-respect? Liking who you are, being confident in your values, respecting others, knowing your needs and being able to express them are important aspects of self respect. What about boundaries? I've read that people with good boundaries need very few. I believe that to be true. But it's difficult to make and keep "good" boundaries because you have to defend them. That's the hard part. We need to respect ourselves enough to hold those boundaries...and then others will respect them.

So how do we get respect from others? Boundaries is one step. Or it may be the most important step. It may be the only step. People respect those who have good boundaries because they know what to expect, the know they will be treated fairly and that their own boundaries will be respected.

What about respect in a M relationship? My H and I were both disrespectful of each other and the marriage. We didn't scream, curse, hit but we quietly disrespected each other on a daily basis by not letting our needs be known, not addressing anger which led to deep resentments, not having strong boundaries, not hearing each other. Neither of us had the self respect or strength to hold out for what was important to us; having done that would have us in a much different place today. When I say important to us I mean values, not what we had for dinner or which movie to see although those little things become big when the larger issues aren't being addressed. We didn't set out to do this or get up every day thinking "I'm really going to disrespect him/her today!" rubbing our hands and letting out an evil laugh.

It's just the destructive pattern we had fallen into. It became our MO, our fall back method of dealing with things. He doesn't pay attention to my (poorly stated) needs, so I won't pay attention to his. Recipe for disaster.

Complete disrespect for another human being. We didn't respect each other or the R enough to trust that it/we could deal with all the emotions that come with a R. I've had this meditation up on my reminder board since 6/27/11: Powerful feelings are frightening...When my intimate R are able to hold the powerful, paradoxical feelings of love and hate, anger and forgiveness, something deep within me can relax and let go.

Many of us bought into the fairy tale where the only powerful emotion was to be love. But I think that's getting off the topic.

I think respect is like love, if you can't love yourself, you can't really love others. If you don't respect yourself, you can't really respect others.

Can we expect respect form someone else if we don't respect ourselves?

This is pretty stream of consciousness but I would love to hear other thoughts on this.

[Tallula]

I loved what you had to say about your financial situation!! That was me! Now when I start to feel myself spin when I start to worry about what we are going to do when H's 4 months are up at his apartment, I just tell myself that we will be taken care of.

I really enjoyed the above post about respect. Very timely for me. I definately didn't allow my needs/ self to be respected. I put ithers feeling above mine and/or was mad at them for not just getting my boundaries & respecting me. I am now really working to state my boundaries lovingly & let go of how other people react to those.

Today I'm having to state a big one with my mom. I'm scared. But I respect myself enough today to do what is best for me!

[labug]

Thanks Tallula, I can sure get wrapped around the axle where money is concerned. That fear of never having enough or being enough has impacted my life in lots of negative ways through the years and has also affected my self-respect.

Another layer of the onion...

[Valeska19]

For me - I have two trains of thought.

1 - Self Respect - This is where boundaries stem from for me. It's not about getting the other person to adhere to them or even earning their respect. It's about respecting myself, my heart.

Boundaries keep the heart safe and healthy. Having a healthy heart allows for you to show your best self.

And if for some chance - they end up respecting you too - DOUBLE WIN!


2 - Respecting Others - this is also done regardless of their actions. Respect is not earned, it is deserved. People love to think they are deserving of it.. and that is very true.....

... but we need to be honest with ourselves on how much we give respect. Or how often we want to attach expectations to the respect giving.

How many times are we guilty of saying "Well I respected his/her x - he/she should respect....

STOP RIGHT THERE!!!!!

We give respect. Period. No ifs, buts, what ifs, how comes, why's.. whatever.

The best way you want to influence someone to treat you - is to treat them they way you wished to be treated.

Give first - then you will receive. But if not - that is totally fine too.

After all, life is about who YOU want to be.. isn't it??

[keithvin]

Hi Valeska19

Your post rings true for me, I have daily issues with being belittled and shown no respect at home, yet am expected to pay all the bills(this part is fine !), rest of the time am better off outside the house but have to set boundaries and keep to them, I feel down regularly due to intense negativity and rejection.

I think divorce is inevitable, only we have two children doing important exams in June and separation would unbalance them at this critical point, hence why am hanging on.

"Marriage" is sexless, mentally abusive and not conducive to growth, am 49 years old and the clock is ticking if I want to restart my life.

Writing in is helping me clear my mind and would appreciate comments from members of the forum.

[keithvin]

Hi Iabug

Life is tough enough without feeling downhearted due to everything you mention as being part of your MO, so maybe can now start a new MO with less negative influences and more inner strength.

I can empathise, I've moved out and found myself in a painful situation but gradually inner strength came through, i was beginning to become happy in myself and my strengths were coming through, but my "wife" cunningly used the children to get me back into the marital home and hence continue to pay the bills and continue to abuse me with intense negativity (freaking out for stupid reasons like leaving the shoes on the wrong side of the corridor), knocking me down regularly but paying all the bills (that's OK).

I want out but don't know how to proceed.

I would welcome comments on my situation as am done with this MO, been 8 years like this, all my friends without exception are telling me I am stupid hanging on like this and am only wasting my life.

[Valeska19]

@ Kevin.

Start a new thread with your history, issues, etc. I'd be more than happy to read and give my thoughts.

[JuneReN]

Timely post on respect, as I have have been grappling with it the past couple of days:

Self-respect: if you don't have it, you don't know what it looks like when you try to give respect to others thoughts and actions.

Respect: Kind of goes hand in hand with the realization that you control no one but yourself and your actions, don't you think? When you can realize that, the ability to disagree, but respect someone's opinion comes easier. Respect for who the person is, not what they mean in you own life or how they affect your life.

I think many of us here were/are dealing with control issues, seems to underlie our themes. If we always want to control everything, that is not having respect for others abilities.

[labug]

Hi Kevin, thanks for your post. The good news is I'm not downhearted about things (well sometimes I am) just working through what go me here.

I do have and will continue to have a new MO.

If you go to the top of the Main Newcomers page, you'll see a New Topic tab-create a thread and tell us more of your story so we can comment there.

[labug]

from Val 2 - Respecting Others - this is also done regardless of their actions. Respect is not earned, it is deserved. People love to think they are deserving of it.. and that is very true....
This I have to ponder on...I think there are levels of respect....yes, I have to think on this.

And this, Give first - then you will receive. But if not - that is totally fine too.

After all, life is about who YOU want to be.. isn't it??
I'm working toward.

Thanks for joining the convo and causing me to think deeper.