25yearsmlc

[25yearsmlc]

Thank you for sharing 25. His story is actually something that's been on my mind for awhile.. ever since Denver's post to the newcomers a few weeks ago.

Let's see if I can put it into actual words vs thoughts (although I fear I'll be put on moderation).

I think many people come to DB treating it like a tactic or a manipulation tool to get their spouses back. Of course it makes sense.. they are fearful and hurting.. and desperate to save their marriage.

Absolute agreement with this^^^.

I came here looking for 2 things. I wanted to be declared RIGHT and I wanted to know "the secret"....you know, the THING I had to do or say to get h to snap out of it and see the truth and come home.

I was wrong to want either of those things in that way, and I sure did not get them

But I will argue that if you are using DB as a manipulation tool - then your changes are short lived. There will either come a time where it's not working and you will ask yourself if you need to change it up.......

.... or you reconcile.. only to find yourself fighting the same patterns in another hardship at a later time.

YES^^^.


IMO - DBing is a tool to be used as a way to discover how to love better. There is no point "doing what works" when it is not motivated from a place of love....

... and that's where I think people get off track.

Yes!!^^....and the converse is true also. When one does what works ---------

but does not LIKE it, b/c that behavior is too "doormat" or "not teaching a lesson!!" so they resist it or stop doing it b/c it's "too easy on the WAS"
so they stop.

Then they say it failed and want to try something new and that always seems to mean, something harsher. At least imo.



What works are loving actions... period. Whether that leads you back to your spouse or leads you to becoming a better persion... or in some cases both....

... all are WINNING SITUATIONS.

Loving HEALTHY actions, yes I'd say I agree. Sometimes a boundary is set, b/c of actual self respect and IS the loving thing to do.

But the 'teach a lesson' & "show the consequences' are NOT loving; they're not boundaries, they're just punitive.


So I think many times people look at DB tools from a selfish heart because again.. it is consumed by fear in the beginning.

For example: Look at people who go NC. I wonder how many truly do that from a loving place vs. a teaching place. I often wonder if they convince themselves it's a loving action......


for me the "teaching" = morally superior, & the need to be right, and it also comes off as tad punitive to me. I never saw it work either, btw.


Sometimes going NC is also the laziest or easiest thing to do. They might claim it's hard but they mean 'not arguing about it again" is hard.

It took me months to a year before I really looked in the mirror and asked myself how I GOT MYSELF in that place. NOT all blaming h or all me...

but figuring out what role I played in the show called "My Life".


especially when there is no response from the WAS. LBSers start questioning their tactics because it's "not working".. and look to change it up. When instead, they should be asking themselves the hard question "just because it's not working... does it make it wrong?"

You mean like "I've been kind to the WAS now for weeks...and they're still not home!! SO, it's not working. SO, I better stop being kind!" ( ????) I hear that...and I've seen it. Interesting insight.

Same for other 180s. if you wear a new cologne YOU like or enroll in a class to study a language you always wanted to learn, and they do not notice,

don't drop the dang class!! It DID WORK b/c it made you a more interesting educated person. If this is all about getting your spouse back then most of us will "FAIL".

Change the definition of what works, from "got my WAS back", to "I'm a better/happier person."


... I certainly question my own motives many times when I started.

But wrapping up this tangent, this story is just great.. because it's example of WHY we are truly here. On this earth, on this forum.

Our goal is not to save our marriage, it is learning how to love our spouses better. Because in the end... that will truly be the ONLY thing that might save it.

Now whether that's showing some tough love in your m, or showing more grace and compassion - every situation is unique.

But every situation MUST have the same motive. It needs to have the same perspective.

I just love that your friend chose LOVE over any tactic to get his wife back... and thankfully they reconcilled...

but he died knowing he loved well. His wife knew he loved her well. His friends/family knew he loved well.

And I'm sure in heaven - his father is saying "well done kiddo".

Sooo inspiring... thank you for sharing the story.

Sorry for the hijack.

Hey, the guy made quite an impression on me. My sister said they actually had divorced and remarried in ONE year. ?? She does not know why the W left him...but yes it had a happy ending, or at least a bittersweet one.

No apologies needed. Not a hijack really...a tangent? Sure. but I love them. Segues are overrated...