Thanks

[PatientMan]

My brain is funny. I am okay with the logical approach to all of this...up UNTIL I'm actually around W. Then chemicals in my brain start firing all weird and I turn into a pathetic pile of goop. I've tested this recently and realize I have about a 90 second window from when I arrive at the house to when I notice (let's call it) "the stupidness" start to have an influence. And "the stupidness" can wear off as quickly as when I leave the house and am walking out to my vehicle. I'll think to myself "WHAT WAS I JUST DOING?!?"

I'm having trouble detaching. From very early on in my ordeal I had this feeling that we were going to have to REALLY separate before this gets resolved. Not me just living somewhere else, not her feeling like I'm waiting for her to come back around, but both of us feeling like "it's over" and moving on before there's a chance of anything. I know that Michele's book warns of self-fulfilling thought prophecies, and this may or may not be one of those. Maybe it's just my way of keeping some shred of hope alive in my mind, even after "it's over." I know in my head that I will be okay regardless of what happens. I know that more and more in my heart too - depending on the day you ask me, though.

I think both W and I have an issue with pushing to the point of putting the M completely behind us. The strategist in me realizes that, historically, she is more apt to push towards the D process when OM is in the picture. So perhaps the best 180 would be to actually force a "real" separation while I figure he isn't around. That's the first time I've thought of that and so I'll have to give it some more brain processing before I pull the trigger on that gun.

(Here comes a bit of a ramble)

I'm pretty sure I know what my roadblock is: I just don't want to be a man that doesn't love her this much. And as soon as I type that I think that it isn't good to love somebody else so much that you fall apart without them. With others I've given the oft used analogy of this feeling like W put her hands into my chest and ripped my heart clean out. And everyone is telling me I need to figure out how to "move on" and "be okay". Well...ummm...I kind of need that heart to pump blood to survive...don't tell me I can do without it.

And I realize in my head that this isn't okay and that it's best/healthiest to grow into someone that isn't so dependent. (And goodness, I've made such strides in this department.) I guess maybe I'm worried that if I figure out how to move on and at some point she does want to reconcile, that I'll be at a point where I say "no." And I both feel like 1) I owe it to her to not do that and, to be honest with myself, 2) I just don't want to take that step. I don't WANT to see her differently. I guess the only person I'm fooling is myself. I'm just making this more difficult on myself.

Anyway, I had my UN changed. Thought the old one was juvenile (though I'm not sure how "juvenile" a >20 year old album reference can be) and that I should change it to a reminder of what I want to be.