25yearsmlc

[Valeska19]

Thank you for sharing 25. His story is actually something that's been on my mind for awhile.. ever since Denver's post to the newcomers a few weeks ago.

Let's see if I can put it into actual words vs thoughts (although I fear I'll be put on moderation).

I think many people come to DB treating it like a tactic or a manipulation tool to get their spouses back. Of course it makes sense.. they are fearful and hurting.. and desperate to save their marriage.

But I will argue that if you are using DB as a manipulation tool - then your changes are short lived. There will either come a time where it's not working and you will ask yourself if you need to change it up.......

.... or you reconcile.. only to find yourself fighting the same patterns in another hardship at a later time.

IMO - DBing is a tool to be used as a way to discover how to love better. There is no point "doing what works" when it is not motivated from a place of love....

... and that's where I think people get off track.

What works are loving actions... period. Whether that leads you back to your spouse or leads you to becoming a better persion... or in some cases both....

... all are WINNING SITUATIONS.

So I think many times people look at DB tools from a selfish heart because again.. it is consumed by fear in the beginning.

For example: Look at people who go NC. I wonder how many truly do that from a loving place vs. a teaching place. I often wonder if they convince themselves it's a loving action......

especially when there is no response from the WAS. LBSers start questioning their tactics because it's "not working".. and look to change it up. When instead, they should be asking themselves the hard question "just because it's not working... does it make it wrong?"

... I certainly question my own motives many times when I started.

But wrapping up this tangent, this story is just great.. because it's example of WHY we are truly here. On this earth, on this forum.

Our goal is not to save our marriage, it is learning how to love our spouses better. Because in the end... that will truly be the ONLY thing that might save it.

Now whether that's showing some tough love in your m, or showing more grace and compassion - every situation is unique.

But every situation MUST have the same motive. It needs to have the same perspective.

I just love that your friend chose LOVE over any tactic to get his wife back... and thankfully they reconcilled...

but he died knowing he loved well. His wife knew he loved her well. His friends/family knew he loved well.

And I'm sure in heaven - his father is saying "well done kiddo".

Sooo inspiring... thank you for sharing the story.

Sorry for the hijack.