I'm a little confused after phone coaching session

[reb9597]

Trying to get some thoughts out here and I suspect my thinking needs to be corrected...

H posted pictures on fb this week twice of hikes he's been taking. H has never hiked before, never enjoyed the great outdoors, would rarely go on walks with me, always had some ache or pain to complain about, it's a new lifestyle apparently. OW on the other hand, has years of hiking pictures posted on her fb. So I can only assume they're hiking together.

Here is my complaint - it hurts to know that he's making a 'new life' for himself. With new interests that are outside our family. Here's the other side of that coin, I have been trying to make a new life for myself too so maybe it shouldn't bother me as much... I've worked really hard to GAL so why can't he? Because my GALing has been in addition to the changes made in my family, around our kids. His GALing has been only for himself, sacrificing nothing for our kids. A friend suggested maybe OW introduced him to a new activity and he really enjoys it now. But if that were the case, why not call kids and say 'hey, let's go for a hike'. For a man that says he works so much, has no time, which I believe to be true because he's been like that for years - if you do have a couple days to enjoy the great outdoors 1) ask your kids to join!! 2) share your experience with kids! 3) get out of the woods and see your kids more than 4 hours a month! So this all boils down to him choosing to be dragged up and down a hill with OW than spending time with kids.

Which leads me to, why does he post these pics at all? Again, it's not something he's sharing in the way of communicating - hey I've been doing something new I really enjoy and want you kids to come with some time. It's more of a slap in the face because it reads as 'I have a new life without my family, I have moved on'. Meanwhile I'm home with the kids where my live still revolves around their schedule. And it reads that he has time and chooses to avoid his kids/our family. I know that's a common choice other WAH makes, I guess this it new in the way that he hasn't before posted pics of his other choices so it's a new reality that I'll have to adjust to. And I hate having the digital proof to kids that he doesn't want to spend time with them.

I know I'm feeling sorry for myself today. Just makes it hard in the 'being friendly' stage with H when he clearly is forging and enjoying a new/different life as man without a family. I will never be able to have that freedom. I guess I'm feeling bitter today.

[reb9597]

This is really petty, H just texted me that it's his friend's birthday today if I wanted to text him happy birthday. He's been living with this friend since he left and he was a part of our family for years. But I reached out to this friend a couple times last fall and it was clear he was not a friend to my marriage. So why did H text me this? I feel like it's a test to see if I'm going to be a bitch or not. Politeness was always very important to H. Should I just eat it and tell him happy birthday and save face with H? When am I going to stop feeling insecure about every single word from H?

[AnotherStander]

Trying to get some thoughts out here and I suspect my thinking needs to be corrected...

I think you're right

H posted pictures on fb this week twice of hikes he's been taking. H has never hiked before, never enjoyed the great outdoors, would rarely go on walks with me, always had some ache or pain to complain about, it's a new lifestyle apparently. OW on the other hand, has years of hiking pictures posted on her fb.

Back yourself up and ask yourself if it's good and healthy behavior for you to engage in mind-reading over a few hiking pics H posted on FB. Personally I think you should just quit snooping on him on FB, and don't say you're not because that's EXACTLY what you're doing.

Here is my complaint - it hurts to know that he's making a 'new life' for himself. With new interests that are outside our family. Here's the other side of that coin, I have been trying to make a new life for myself too so maybe it shouldn't bother me as much... I've worked really hard to GAL so why can't he? Because my GALing has been in addition to the changes made in my family, around our kids. His GALing has been only for himself, sacrificing nothing for our kids.

So your GAL is beneficial to the entire family while his GAL is selfish and harmful. And this conclusion is drawn from seeing a few hiking photos. This is why we preach not to snoop on the spouse, because it harms YOU. Turn your focus on to you and the kids. Forget about H and his activities, they are what they are. You need to detach from that.

For a man that says he works so much, has no time, which I believe to be true because he's been like that for years - if you do have a couple days to enjoy the great outdoors 1) ask your kids to join!! 2) share your experience with kids! 3) get out of the woods and see your kids more than 4 hours a month!

Lots of bitterness here. It's OK to vent, but hopefully in venting here you're getting this bitterness out of your system and not harboring it. DB'ing is all about accepting that you've got to build a life without H. You've got to focus on you and the kids and leave him to whatever it is he's going to do. You detach from him such that his actions don't affect you. You give him time and space to sort himself out. If you let yourself get bitter about every little thing then I promise, it's going to get communicated to your H and it's going to do further harm to your M. Your H needs to see nothing but happiness, contentment and PMA from you. And your goal is for that to be REAL. You can only get there by detaching.

[reb9597]

I sent the bday text...

I've been reading Desperate Marriages by Gary Chapman this weekend. Very good book, not as outlined in regard to conduct as DR, but lots of examples and similar living by principals kind of rules.

New understanding this morning thanks to H. He posted on his forum site on someone else's thread about fighting when married - "arguing can be good for marriage. just don't let it get to the point where you don't care enough to argue anymore. that'll bite you in the ass." That has basically been my last few years with H. Apathy. And I used to say that to him when I was trying to get some emotional response "do you want me to just not care anymore??"

I've learned that the apathy is a self protection from getting hurt. Shutting off feelings is easier than dealing with pain or rejection. I understand that. When he left, it took me months to figure out if I truly wanted to pursue my marriage or not. I thought there was no doubt that we would, but I can't say I truly cared for his deep feelings. I just wanted things back to 'normal'. And the drinking before he left was probably to try to numb the feelings that remained, again it's easier to not deal with them. And my anger was a reaction to the lack of emotion. Even his OW FB isn't a relationship with feelings, it's just a thing. He buries himself in work to avoid any emotions and still get positive feelings of affirmation. I've seen the emotion remaining regarding our kids only. And it hurts to see because I can see he's still capable of deep feelings.

But how does DB work with a WAH that has turned off all feeling towards you? I think that makes sense why he can be generally complimentary about me as a person and mother, and why we can still be 'friends' or friendly, it's just because he doesn't care anymore. Indifference. I can DB forever but is there any way to inspire feelings once they're turned off?

[reb9597]

AS, I didn't see your reply before posting my last message. But I think you may have answered my question anyways. Detach. Yes I've been bitter but I vent here like you said. It's rainbows and puppy dogs around H. (sarcasm, sorry :)) It's been a recent transformation but the PMA is a really good effort and I can see it working. Not turning on any emotions, but things can be less awkward I think. And that has benefitted the kids.

Detach. Then if he wants to go hiking, or wants to be swallowed by apathy then it has no bearing on me personally. It's sad to think of it that way. Because it's a relationship that doesn't have a shot because of key differences, it's just dead, no pulse.

[reb9597]

So your GAL is beneficial to the entire family while his GAL is selfish and harmful. And this conclusion is drawn from seeing a few hiking photos. This is why we preach not to snoop on the spouse, because it harms YOU. Turn your focus on to you and the kids. Forget about H and his activities, they are what they are. You need to detach from that.

What I meant was I have to GAL while still being full time parent with all the same/normal responsibilities I had before. He can abandon all responsibilities and just take care of himself. Snooping is really hard, it comes in waves. I'm either really good or really bad. For fb, it's hard to not see or react when we're still fb friends (and married!). I've thought of unfriending him but think that would send the wrong message. I'm really going to just focus on detaching and controlling my reactions this week. Thank you for the reminder.

[findingself]

[quote]
What I meant was I have to GAL while still being full time parent with all the same/normal responsibilities I had before. He can abandon all responsibilities and just take care of himself.

Also having issues with this right now...know I need to do things to make myself happy but see that there is a point that I have responsibilites to my child, though H is considering moving to another state 3 hours away, taking on a more demanding job and only being here on the weekends to visit...gets to do things he wants to do and then fit S in though I am in the home with S all the time, even if I did work I would be the onecomign home to S in the evening H would not and is not available to do that and definityly would not be able to 3 hours away.

Reb I know this feeling and will be working on it too...right along side...

[AnotherStander]

But how does DB work with a WAH that has turned off all feeling towards you?

The vast majority of people DB'ing here are dealing with exactly that- a spouse who has totally shut down and turned off the feelings. The WAS spends months or even years building a wall around themselves to "protect" their emotions. That's why we're always saying DB'ing is a marathon, not a sprint. Because it takes a long, long time to reverse that.

I can DB forever but is there any way to inspire feelings once they're turned off?

WAS's that have returned to their spouses describe it as being in a fog, they remember all the bad things about the M but can't remember any of the good. They talk about the turnaround as "the fog lifting" and they can suddenly see and remember the good things about their spouse too. So the feelings can come back. Unfortunately there are no guarantees, some WAS's never do come out of the fog.

Yes I've been bitter but I vent here like you said. It's rainbows and puppy dogs around H.

Good, sometimes it's hard to tell if people are just venting or if the anger they post here is just the tip of the iceberg

[littleGTO]

Hi, reb,
Thanks for posting on my thread.

I understand the anger/frustration of H getting "his own life" while you still have all the responsibilites (and more) that you've always had.

Trying to GAL w children, esp young children is extremely difficult. How is your support system? Do you have family or close friends to help you w your S? It is important that you give yourself time away from your S to recharge. To take care of your mental health so you can be the best mom possible for him.

AS is right. WAS are in a fog. They are NOT who they were. They are trying out a new life to see if it "fits" them now. They want a change, but really don't understand what change they want or need.

DBing is not a gamble in saving your M. It is a guarantee to save yourself. Your old M is gone. DBing only offer the best possible HOPE of starting a new one--possibly w your H, but if not, then you are in the best position to move forward in creating a new chapter in your life. A happy one.

[azguy]

Hi reb, Just writing to say I appreciate you sharing your story as you go through it. It helps me (and I suspect others) to see you struggling to save your M and the thoughtful responses. Wish you well.

Your impulse to control your H's actions sound very familiar to me, and I had the same interaction with my W. How do you convince your spouse, you've lost that interest in controlling them? I've learned just saying so doesn't work. Maybe consistent actions will.

I'm also trying to rebuild my R in small pieces from interactions with our S. Not easy. It's taken me awhile to realize, though, that these are genuine opportunities. I'm trying to make the most of it.