~need advice with going dark~

[25yearsmlc]

well for starters.... I am in the home that my W and step daughter has been in for the past 7 yrs... I bought her out of the home....


Whoaa! That was fast! Why so fast? Why on earth if this is only 3 months old? Wow.. and where is YOUR d?


she is now renting a home on the other side of town... her daughter is having hard time...... she has contacted me on two different holidays.... my bday.... and valentines day.... just to say she loved me and that she misses me and wished her mom and I were still together....

so how often do you reach out to her? And what did you give her for a Valentine's gift/contact? Negril, you can't abandon your sd b/c her mom left you. You said yourself you raised her as if she were your own....

I hope you will step it up for her. ASAP>


I will be honest.. when my daughter came to live with us she did steal from W's daughter once ..... out of her piggy bank... which I repay'd the min I found out that my D stole from her D..... trying to make it right....

You paying it back does not make it right. It's making your d pay that might have helped. You paying it off just repays stolen property.

I imagine The sense of violation of your SD must have been terrible. And did your d feel "entitled" to it? Did SHE apologize? And how do you know it was only once?

Man that's not a small thing...and I know it must have embarrassed the heck out of you. OUCH.


.again my D and her D are not the same.... her D is the type to take a hundred pics a night infront of the mirror for a perfect FB pic or a twitter pic..... where mine has some insecurities.....

you are scorekeeping with kids^^.!!!

First, You slighted the daughter of your w, and then you defended your d or gave some very vague type of cover for...what I assume is poor conduct on her part. WHY? I just asked if they got along. Of course they are not the same.

I noticed you don't refer to her as your Stepdaughter or daughter either, but as your "w's d". And this is only a few months old...wow.

I have two d's 8 years apart. So far, it looks as if one is more beautiful than the other. So what? I have 3 sisters We were not "equal" in looks but we loved each other and my two d's do not "equate" LOOKS wise but they are loved very much by me and their dad for who they are.


I know by my D stealing from her D created a problem...... we had talked about all of this happening... that there would be problems that would come up.... we really did try to prepare for the worse case secinaro....I just think between that.. and school... and turning 40 that it was going to happen... no matter what I did..

well then I guess there's nothing to learn from or do differently...

come on, is it really easier to see it that way?

[25yearsmlc]

Hey Negril

just don't forget...I asked you some questions in a lot of my posts...see if you can answer them.

SOME are just for you and you can answer them internally. But some are things that we need to know if we can discuss more in depth.

IF you want to avoid a topic, say so. If you need time to process a question more before answering, say so.

I just don't want a question to appear ignored...partly b/c it makes me feel I'm wasting my time and you are cherry picking what you FEEL like answering

but other times it makes me think you are avoiding it...for another reason.

If so, that's time to DIG DEEPER.

[sunshinelewis]

Negril I am so sorry you are here but there are many good people here who know exactly what you are going thru and will be here for you.

Just from what your saying, It is my opinion *and I am NO EXPERT*, that your wife was craving attention from others and got that need met when she started school.
I too never got the attention from my mother I needed and I had no sisters, so I crave that also.
This is just my opinion of course, but that led to hanging out and then one thing led to another.
Sounds like she is enjoying all the attention and I am sure that is boosting her ego. Prb MLC but it doesnt matter. You have to leave her alone to do her thing regardless.

Also, you have a right to be angry about her staying out late, dont question that. Dont let her put the blame on you, she will try.

Read all you can to understand and come here for support.

This could be a long road so hang in there.

Prayer helps also. Ask God for peace and strength.

Hugs,
Renee

[Negril72]

Good morning 25... yes I was very tired when I wrote that.. sorry.. I was wondering that when I was typing it how it was going to turn out...

my daughter came to live with us in very early Sept... she couldn't stand living with her mother anymore and finally came to live wit us... My W over the years was my biggest cheerleader in getting my daughter to come live with us.... she knew how much I missed her and loved being a dad...
Yes before that it had only been her daughter that lived with us full time... the only child.... which again became part of the problem later on... it came out after the BD that he daughter wasn't happy about my D coming to live with us....

the first two months were good..we were doing things together as a family... dinner.. shopping... stuff like that.. then my daughter was lying about certain little things.. like who ate the last of the chips... and she stole $10 from a change jar we had in the office..... it was an instant turn of for my W and SD... it's like they hated her at that point.. the W at that point did the "flip" she changed from that point on.. and that was about a month and a half before the BD.... she started to really pull back from me for the fist time... dressing different.. staying out later with her "new friends" stuff like that...
I know that my D was the straw that broke the camels back... but she was the last thing that did it.. she could have only only been 5% of the problem... but she was the last 5% of stress she could handle...

I did not have my head in the sand at all.. actually she seem too.. every time I had brought up anything about the two girls not getting along she was just tell me they are teenagers and let them work it out... that it was normal because they need to workout the new situation on their own..... of course after the BD she was blaming 90% of it on the kids not getting along .... my D actually got most of the blame..( again soooo not like the W to do something like this and to say the things she was saying) but looking back she already had the OM on the side and it had turned into a PA....she was leaving regardless. or started saying how she needed space...

again I can't stress this enough... this is sooo 180 from how the W would act. like most members on here say that her MLC was going to happen in her life regardless.... I believe her being in school being at max stress levels... turning 40...surgery.. my D coming to live with us... me working more and more.... turned a mid life transition into a crisis..... the perfect storm of events happening all at once... I am not trying to blame all my life's problems on MLC..... but we always had been a couple who could talk and work out problems without a whole lot of conflict... then this happened and her reaction was 100% opposite of what I had known for the past 9yrs.

I have sat with my D many times and talked to her about what has happened and explained that it is not her fault.... and it's not... it helps that the W is acting a bit nutty and has he young guy.. it shows her more so that the alien came and took the W away... plus towards the end the lies were soo much and crazy that it was very easy to see how she really did flip

so currently the W has her daughter living with her.. they rented a house on the other side of town... and my daughter lives with me in the matrimonial home... I still talk with the SD a bit... but the W doesn't want her to talk with me because she is afraid I am going to tell her D about OM.... she is still hiding it from her daughter.... tells them they are just friends and only hang out because they are in the nursing program together... Her D always tells me that she wishes we were still together and doesn't understand how things went so bad so fast. but her mom tells her this is for their future.

I am trying to spend as much time as I can with my D... we go for walks at night... (weather is starting to get better now) since the W and I usually went to jamaica or punta cana twice a year...so I am now planning on taking my D with me this fall.. we were going to go now.. but I just had to give the W a huge chunk of $$
my daughter is almost 16..(next month)..... she will start counselling then.. if she goes now she needs permission from both parents. and no way would her mom give that to her... so we have to wait...there is work to be done with my D for sure... and that is were I need to focus my energy on .... I know this... trying to move my focus from my W to my daughter isn't easy.. but she needs me right now.

Sorry if I am leaving stuff out when I am trying to explain stuff.. I am literally just starting to pull myself together again.... I feel since the BD I have lost the last 3 months of my life.... I have trouble remembering stuff I did.

[Negril72]

Thanks Renee~~

again I only call it a MLC because it fits so good when I read about it... but maybe it's not.??? I honestly tried to give her positive attention... but it's hard to compete with 20yr olds who are giving her attention... I knew I was in trouble when she came home one day and said she felt like "the head cheerleader in school" she was getting way too much attention and was really liking it.. again something she would have normally avoided...

Ya I know I have to leave her alone and do her own thing and let this thing with the OM run it's course... I am starting to realize I am powerless against it... I only have the power to change myself and my D...


Thank you soo much for your support. and I value anything you can help me with...

[Negril72]

oh and on a side note.. she was in school last year and had non of this behavior... she would go to school and come home... never stayed out drinking.. only hung out with other women in the course close to her age... this year is 100% the opposite

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks Renee~~

again I only call it a MLC because it fits so good when I read about it... but maybe it's not.??? I honestly tried to give her positive attention... but it's hard to compete with 20yr olds who are giving her attention...

Please explain what you did when you "tried to give her positive attention" and why it would be hard to compete with a 20 y/o, in terms of giving her attention. I don't see why those things would be so hard. I'm being sincere.

He's NEW, yes. But OM does not know her as well, so what do you mean by saying it's "hard" to give her positive attention. You mean it's hard to give her words of affirmation, which sound like one of her love languages? Btw, I also suggest you read "The Five Love Languages" and or take their online quiz.

Not sure how good the quiz is is but the book is excellent, and you sound a bit impatient. Remember what my several posts said about that....do you remember? BE MORE PATIENT. You already bought her out of the house and she just BD's 3 months ago...what was the rush??


I knew I was in trouble when she came home one day and said she felt like "the head cheerleader in school" she was getting way too much attention and was really liking it.. again something she would have normally avoided...


explain what 'getting way too much attention" means and why it's bad. And then please tell me why she would "normally avoid" it.

When I was in the Army, in my officer basic course, I was one of 7 women with 73 males in our class. Literally over a 10 to 1 ratio. I got A LOT of attention for all 5 years of Active Duty and 4 years of reserves. Very little of it, threatened my marriage.

I admit, it was good for my ego. But a good self esteem helps most m's. The only time I ever felt tempted to stray was when H was an intern and worked such long hours AND came home so tired that I was neglected a lot AND then a Kevin Costner lookalike came into work and flirted a lot with me.


I DID know the internship would sukk AND that it was only going to last one year though. That helps. I am not sure your w thought your work hours would get better anytime soon. When she asked you to be home more, it sounds as if you "explained" to her why you wre working so hard.

That translates to "don't expect improvement" to her. Can you see how it might have souned that way, to her?


If I'd never seen the light at the end of the tunnel, (ie., knowing exactly WHEN it was going to improve and how)

then who knows what might have happened? I wouldn't have lived an intern's wife's life, indefinitely, for sure.




He had our cild

???

Ya I know I have to leave her alone and do her own thing and let this thing with the OM run it's course... I am starting to realize I am powerless against it... I only have the power to change myself and my D...


Thank you soo much for your support. and I value anything you can help me with...

yes you are powerless over THEM...NOT powerless over YOU.

you can only change yourself and create an environment for change for your d. You cannot control HER, however. Okay?
,
Let's let go of that misconception before it leads to trouble...

you can do this. In reality, it's much easier to live happily, when you let go of what you never had control over in the first place.

[Negril72]

Well I talked to the W on the phone last night.... and wow has it really messed up my feelings... It was an up and down conversation. She did say she misses me.... most of her venom spewing was directed at my daughter... how she could not live with the stress of having another kid in the house... and having her daughter unhappy... that her school came first and foremost....
we did talk a little about the OM.... she was saying how it's a relationship... no emotion... just fun times and sex.. that she knows it's not a long term thing but she likes it because he's young and has no baggage... we had always dealt with our blended family great before.... and now she says she can't handle it because of school and she wants a fun life. we had a fun life before....
She talks about our 9yr relationship and my kid as if it was nothing and wasn't worth the trouble? I just don't get it? most of everything she was saying was a lie...it's soo hard to hear the woman I love talk the way she did....

I need to detach... badly... I just don't know how to do it... one conversation in two months on the phone and it ripped me apart...:(

[25yearsmlc]

here's a piece on detachment. BEFORE I post it, let me remind you of one thing.

You are NOT DBing now.

You are calling her/pursuing her AND you are talking to her and not getting off the phone first, you're letting her blame your child, and not ending the talk THEN & there...You're just spinning your wheels. Stop it.

So here's a piece on detachment and then I'll also post the "newbie rules" for you. You are not totally a newbie but you are making newbie errors You need to get a grip and really DO the DB work and give it a chance.

Are you taking in what I'm writing to you? PLEASE DO.

"This was originally posted by Peanut.
============
II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.

Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.

We can not control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals. On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I can not control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."


AND HERE ARE THE "Rules" for what you get the bomb...


These are "Rules" for newcomers assembled/organized & consisting of principles based on MWD's Div Busting approach. I think Sandi organized them first and they are SLIGHTLY edited or added to, by yours truly.

I recommend you copy and paste & print it out. Carry it in your pocket if you have to. I know I did.

FOR WHEN YOU GET "THE BOMB"….(and before any "piecing")

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then, don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) In short, No Snooping.

11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne/perfume, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15. When at home with your spouse, do 180s… (so if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her to initiate), then be rather scarce or minimal with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short & simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! (No matter what time he/she comes home.) You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy YOUR life and time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life too.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it. The supposed changes will look like "tactics" to get them back & then they won't believe the changes are lasting.

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive & fun to be with. (As hard as this is, remember that angry, sad, pouting people do NOT ATTRACT others to them). The FUN somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patience on your behalf.

21. Never lose your cool! Never lose your temper! (That reinforces their choice to leave). Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill or be over the top in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24. Be patient……VERY, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do NOT interrupt them when they are speaking, OR correct them, and stop what you may be working on or doing, to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying. (Listening better never hurts.)

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell). Silence can be the loving thing to "not say."

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Calmness is soothing to the calm person AND their "audience". Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only, NOT your spouse. The more you tell them what you are doing (or trying to show them) the more your actions will seem manipulative & insincere.

29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write or a single dramatic gesture. (Not saying Not to do/say those too, but focus on consistent changes, over time. That earns the spouse's belief in the changes).

30. Do not openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever, & even when you truly feel desperate & needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse. Very important that you get this concept.

31. When you communicate with your spouse, do not focus on yourself; instead, focus on them. If in person, make eye contact.

32. Do not believe any of what THEY SAY and less than 50% of what THEY DO. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared, AND OR, b/c they want to justify their leaving.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes! Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day, unless absolutely necessary. (That means only in urgent matters.)

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

38. Do Not convince yourself that being miserable or sad shows how much you care for your spouse. It's not attractive or appealing, period.

39. If there is OW/OM in the picture, don't focus on them. BE the better choice, which means being a spouse only a fool would leave.

40. Know that you really will be alright in the long run, that your personal work will yield good things regardless of the choices others make. You will be happy again.

[25yearsmlc]

Well I talked to the W on the phone last night.... and wow has it really messed up my feelings... It was an up and down conversation. She did say she misses me....

That's when you get off the phone.^^ Nothing else helped you feel better.


most of her venom spewing was directed at my daughter... how she could not live with the stress of having another kid in the house... and having her daughter unhappy... that her school came first and foremost....


Stop any spewing aimed at your child.

she knew you had a child when she married you & she helped you get custody. It's so very UNfair to blame a child for HER actions. Period. (Of course that assumes YOU handled things well at your end. IF NOT then own that. Otherwise she cannot expect any improvement) Say that and GET OFF THE PHONE...



we did talk a little about the OM.... she was saying how it's a relationship... no emotion... just fun times and sex.. that she knows it's not a long term thing but she likes it because he's young and has no baggage...

did that ^^ help you in any way??? THERE'S A REASON WE SUGGEST WHAT WE SUGGEST...

we had always dealt with our blended family great before...

like when? What are you referring to? If it's true, she'll recall those times. Does not need You to point them out.


. and now she says she can't handle it because of school and she wants a fun life. we had a fun life before....

you mean before your d came? She's still blaming your d for this? Not cool.

If she "just wants to have fun" then it sounds as if she is burned out. You have to back off and let her "Enjoy her FUN" b/c in time, that wears out. The "fun" stops when there's no money to pay for it with...back off.

She talks about our 9yr relationship and my kid as if it was nothing and wasn't worth the trouble? I just don't get it? most of everything she was saying was a lie...it's soo hard to hear the woman I love talk the way she did....


IF it is a lie, then it's not true. So the "data" is not real.

If it IS true you - need to take it in and process it and change some things.


I need to detach... badly... I just don't know how to do it... one conversation in two months on the phone and it ripped me apart...:(

Yes you do need to detach. You did the exact opposite of detachment.

Be wary of the conversations you do NOT need to have. AVOID THOSE TALKS.

How did the conversation even come about?

Come on man, you have to give the DB program a chance to work or it won't work...