Stuck..how do I get out???

[mizjjd]

So you do normally sit with him? (I'm guessing. I used to almost always lie against my H on the couch while we had TV time. I stopped doing this in the last few months, after the bd. But he told me just the other day I "Never did that.")

Its really hard for me to stop correcting my H when he says these crazy things.

Because, well, they're crazy.

But to H they're right as rain and if I contradict him then there's words, hurt feelings etc.

So I try to look at it this way.

H is never going to convince me I am the person he thinks I am. Never ever. Because I KNOW he's wrong.

I am never going to convince H I am the person I know I am. Never ever. Because he KNOWS I'm wrong.

Do you get that? For everyone, perception is reality. No sense arguing. Like looking at a painting. You say its beautiful. I say its ugly. Same painting, but we perceive it differently. And we can each argue our point of view, but in the end we're unlikely to change each other's minds.

When we tell the MLCer they're WRONG or CRAZY, its an insult. It dismisses their opinions and beliefs.

Its very difficult, but try to step back and while listening to your H remember "that's H's opinion, H's perception"

So how could you have responded to your H's comments? (For that matter, how did you respond?)

Maybe you could say "Huh, I didn't know you felt that way."

If you just can't stomach being told up is down and black is white, find a non confrontational maxim.

"I see/remember that differently"

And change the subject - leave the room - walk the dog - come here and share your latest experience.

But give H's feelings respect.

So you're a messy houser too? Its one of my 180's. I mean, we're not talking hoarderland here, but its not Martha Stewart either. Probably shows how I have always tried to do too much and not insisted other's take responsibility. The mess is a valid complaint from my H. This whole sitch has lately revealed to me that the same role I've played in damaging our marriage shows in my house. But amazingly, not in the way I first thought. Had an epiphany the other day.... hold on to your hat because its a doozy..... THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE IN MY HOUSE!! Yep. FIVE ABLE BODIED FULL GROWN HUMANS. So why is it "my" house that's messy? Why isn't it H's? Why have I, for TWENTY YEARS, thought that it was all MY fault?

Don't have all the answers yet, but I'm beginning to find the questions.