Stuck..how do I get out???

[AJM]

Tired, I get what you're saying. It's confusing. But mizjd offered some fantastic advice. Listen to the message behind the words. For example, when he blames you for causing him to do things, what is it you believe? Do you believe you made him not like you? Do you believe that because of your actions he is not happy? I mean, really? Do you have that power over somebody else?

I heard many times all kinds of stories. I once (many times really) heard my ex tell me it was not me, it was her. I heard her tell me it was because of how I was with the kids. She left on Mother's day and left the kids with me. I heard her tell me it was because of her childhood. I heard her tell me... the list goes on.

She blames me. She will continue to do that until she no longer does. Whether I'm in the picture or not. For background we've been divorced (final) for almost two years. Her new husband and she live three blocks away. I don't talk to her. I rarely see her. She told me recently I'm bitter, narcisstic, bi-polar, and a horrible father. This is the same woman who does not want to cooperatively parent. I have rarely spoken to her in 4 years.

This is the same woman who told me that she wanted to be friends. Then told me she never loved me (we were married 20 years) and didn't want to live in a loveless marriage. She tells me every chance she gets (which I keep to few) how happy she is and recently, how much more successful she is without my influence.

My point is that it is nothing to do with me. I haven't had input in her life in years. I have not influenced her thoughts or actions in years (that I know of anyway.)

It's not about me. Just as it's not about you.

You are too close to the situation to see things at this point. So take my advice and detach. As you do, in your own head challenge the ideas he puts out there about you. Those that are real, you may or may not want to change. But for all the rest, it is not real to anyone other than your H.

He is trying to rationalize his own behavior and feelings. He is doing that against the only background he knows - you.

As you go through this, and like it or not you are going to go through this, you'll begin to see there is pain behind his actions. Pain you did NOT cause. Pain he is trying to figure out and as close as you are, he is taking it out on you.

If you stop listening to that jumble and listen to the message behind the words, you'll see things differently. As much as it hurts, you cannot argue or reason with him. He can't fathom it even if he hears you. It's not won't, but can't. And you'll feel some of his pain as long as you try to reason with him and don't get out of the way. It feels personal, but it's not.

Take another look at Cadet's posting. There's some really good information there. I feel for you. I know how tough it is. But be encouraged and read some more. There is a silver lining.

Peace,
AJ