This was such a tough dynamic for me after BD. My stbx told me she was leaving and moving out but she remained for about 2 months after this and still slept in the same bed.
I thought that ML would be one of the few ways for us to connect and was hopeful that it could be at least a small catalyst that could potentially slow down her crisis train.
The ML was great physically but I could feel her not connecting to me emotionally and I no longer was ok with it.
Sayitaintso, thanks for your input. Did you and your W discuss ML? Did she ever tell you how she felt about it? Once you were no longer ok with it did you tell her that or did you just stop ML.
I have tried to go back and browse through your sitch but I got lost after your first thread. I guess by you referring to her as your stbx that it didnt work out for you guys. Are you still trying/still hopeful? How have the kids been?
Thanks again for the comments.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
OK, question. I am unsure of how to react/respond when W discusses friends/acquaintances who are getting D. She talks about it like it is no big deal. I want to say that it is sad to hear and I feel sorry for them but I think W would think it was a jab at her. Normally I have just been saying something like "well" and not saying anything else. But by doing this I think it seems like I don't want to talk about it (which I actually don't). By keeping quiet it may seem passive aggressive which is one of the things that I want to work on. Any thoughts?
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
She just says, "Jill and Arron are getting divorced" or "Steve and Lisa are having problems and are talking about getting divorced. They have been together forever like we have". She has actually said "you know, there are so many people our age that we know that are getting divorced". How am I suppose to respond to that?
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
Perhaps you could say something like, "I'm sorry to hear that. I hope they're each doing okay." You could acknowledge that it's a difficult process, without trying to say anything about whether it's a good or bad thing for the couple.
Another tact might be to bring up how common divorce is. "Yeah, a lot of people we know are going through it. Marriage sure isn't easy." Sort of, we're all going through this mess together type of approach.
I guess what you say depends on whether you think she's making a point in bringing it up. If she's trying to point out that everyone gets divorced, it might be better just to not say much in response.
H: 38 xW: 38 M: 16 T: 18 S: 9 BD: 2/2012 W moved out 4/2012 D: 11/2012
Thanks guys. I think I will try to continue to keep it simple. Is she trying to make a point? Honestly I don't know. I never know what angle she is coming from anymore. My guess is that she is trying to make some sort of point by bringing it up.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
I agree with azguy (but of course I would, he's AZ guy).
The mind-reading trying to figure out what she means is keeping you stuck. Respond to her honestly and authentically if you think you need to, there's no need to get into a deep conversation about the subject.
Get out of her head and into yours.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Am in a similar situation timeline as yourself and had 8 years of a bad marriage, can I ask how you feel now that you are separated? I am not sure what's going to happen once i take the plunge and separate, at least i won't miss the intense negativity and rejection experienced to date and look forward to restarting my life.
It would be helpful to me as my lawyer keeps on insisting I will have to separate as there is no love and we are pulling against each other in opposite directions rather than pulling in the same direction which under happier circumstances makes it worth hanging onto the marriage, but not in my case.
