Mana Mana! Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo

[Tallula]

Thanks guys! I so plan to tell my mom this. If I keep avoiding stuff, it's just going to get bigger & I'll tie myself in knots.

H is the one that wants to be there. I have no problem with it. Plus, we have decided not to make public our separation, so dealing with my grandmothers passing & fielding questions about where my H is would make me want to punch people.

Bottom line. He is here is in my life forever. We have children & he is a good dad. Do I want to scream at him? Yes. Have I, uh huh. Did it make me feel better? Not really. I still have to feel all my feelings. So living in anger and resentment will just prolong it.

I slept like crap last night. I'm in knots. We were all at my aunts last night looking through pictures. It was hard enough answering where H was at last night. But the truth was that he was cleaning out his grandmas apartment with his sisters, since she is in a nursing home now. So when I was leaving, my mom was like "call me tomorrow and we will talk." I have to be honest, I'm mad at her. I'm mad at myself for telling them. But what I'm really mad at, is that I have to set boundaries & let go of how others choose to act. Very hard for me & scary. But as my sponsor said,"you believe in making things look good in public. You get that from your mom. I doubt anyone will make a scene. But, it's out of your control. You keep allowing this and it's just going to get harder & harder each time."

This is one of my biggest problems. Trying to force a situation to be ok. Everyone happy. Everyone act "right". I will try to manipulate things. Beg H to act like this, my family to act like that. Not my job or in my control. Which, me no likey!

Off to church. H is coming over to spend time with the kids later. Friday night we all had dinner & went bowling. It was pretty great. I'm detached enough now, to not look at my kids & H and be sad we aren't a "happy" family. H also apologized for acting the way he did when I told him no when he put the moves on me. He said he understood completely why & thinks its a good thing. The only thing that happened that I need to talk to him about his S3. When we pulled up to H's apartment S3 got upset, started to cry & said "I miss you, come live back home with us!" H was upset, hasn't dealt with this yet. He grabbed S3's hand and told him how much he lived him & then said "I'll be home soon, buddy." Um...yeah. Can't say that! So tonight I think I need to tell him that I've just been reassuring him that daddy & I love him very much, hold him & talk him through it. That we shouldn't tell him that, since we don't know if that will happen.

I get to have a ton of fun conversations today. Yippee me!!!