Stuck..how do I get out???

[mizjjd]

Hey TnD.

Welcome to the midlife board - sorry you find yourself here.

My H of nearly 21 years also blames everything on me. And it really really hurts. Its the salt in the wound. More like the salt being ground into the wound.

I'd say 99% of what my H blames me for, or finds fault in, is hallucinatory. But to him its gospel.

Something that helped me a while back was that I googled how to validate emotions. It was a real eye opener for me.

Example: I had gotten up at 4:30 in the morning with H to make his breakfast and pack his lunch. (This was a regular thing for me.) When I finished taking care of him I went and sat at the dining table just as he was finishing his breakfast. As I was sitting down, he wiped his mouth with a napkin, tossed it on his plate and stood up to go play black jack on his computer. I had gone to sit with him, looking for a few minutes of just banal regular old conversation. Well, I gave a sputtering gasp of irritation. Enough to penetrate the MLC fog - surprisingly.

Later I get this text.

H:So I guess I'm sorry for this morning. It was nice of you to wake up and make my breakfast. but I'm not sure what you want or expect. We have never sat down and just talked in the morning and now you expect me to think of doing that over my established routine.

It took me some time and a few false starts because I didn't think too much of his "apology" lol, and for pity's sake I just wanted common courtesy and consideration - and I nearly told him exactly that- but finally I answered with this.

MizJ: Hey, I want you to know that I really appreciate your apology. I don't think that's an easy thing for you to do and I thank you for making the effort. It seems I don't make it easy for you- that you don't know what I want from you. I don't mean to be difficult or make life hard for you. I didn't know I did that. I'm sorry and I'll try to do better.

H's response?

H: Well, I don't know what to say.

Hah!

But my first thought had been to be offended - because it seemed he was blaming me - AGAIN. On careful reading though, I realized he was clearly telling me that he was confused.

So pay attention to the message behind/under the verbiage from your H. He's probably trying to tell you he's: angry, frightened, confused, worried, sad, remorseful. Listen for the emotion and validate it. Doesn't mean you agree with what HE says is the cause for the emotion, just that you acknowledge "H you feel ________. I understand, and I'm sorry that you feel that way."

This isn't easy. And I personally fail at it as much if not more than I succeed. But I have found that this strategy forces me to really listen to my H - so that I hear "him" and not the MLC virus.

Good luck TnD. Take care of yourself.