~need advice with going dark~

[25yearsmlc]

all that being said.... what do I do? I don't want to re-write history... I WANT and NEED to fix what problems we had so they don't repeat themselves in my next relationship... regardless of who it is with....

This^^ is great news. It's exactly what your goal ought to be--meaning becoming the best YOU that you can be. The best Negril ever...and continuing to evolve and grow emotionally and spiritually and intellectually, etc...


I know my biggest problem is that I am a fixer..

I for one, don't believe this^^ is your biggest problem. I think you are not digging deeply enough.

You mentioned your "need to be right" and that you "corrected" your w too much. Somehow you imagined this was a loving trait or a minor flaw.

Let me rephrase it, in a way SHE might..

"He's never wrong & he likes to argue. He's constantly negating me and critisizing me. "

I wouldn't call that being a "fixer" or think it's the biggest problem.


and that puts pressure on most people.... trying to do too much

what are you talking about "puts pressure on most people"? Who feels what pressure? AND who is trying to do too much, YOU? Be clear here. You've repeated this phrase several times but It's like you want to discover your flaw and your role but you're so terrified of what it might really be, that you dance around it.

HERE, we like self honesty. WE need it and we won't judge you!

Go read Keep Going's thread or Crimson's if you want to see some people who engaged in heart wrenching self discovery. You have some dark spots in you LIKE WE ALL Do. But the more you hide behind vague cliches, the slower you'll get to the real destination. Be brave. Dig deeper.


.. walking around my spouse with bubble wrap so that nothing bad can ever happen to her....

Allow me to translate into a way SHE MIGHT:

"I'm not allowed to make a mistake. He's so controlling. Everything has to be done HIS way or I'm WRONG and boy, I'm 'wrong' a whole lot around him. My self esteem has taken a pounding now for years...

This^^ part I feel pretty confident is how SHE saw it.

And maybe she'd see the custody battle for your d this way--and I'm NOT at all sure of this, but it hit me this way and so just give it some thought--

I thought maybe if we finally got custody of his d, he'd be pleased with me. Finally I'd be good enough...but nothing improved...he knew I was unhappy but he worked more so I had my d and his d to raise on my own.

I needed to escape. No one was taking care of ME."


trying to make things too perfect...... but isn't that what a spouse suppose to do? love and protect the ones you love the most??????

OMG Making things too perfect? No that is NOT why she left...and you know it. You've had 1 marriage fail and another is in crisis. Figure out what marriage is supposed to mean and then adjust it to your version and maybe you'll get somewhere.

I've been m now for 31 years. I never thought "trying to make things perfect" was a reasonable expectation of life, let alone a spouse.

AS FOR-
"Love & protect" yes sure, but can you tell me what you think LOVE means? And more importantly, perhaps, protect from what? Her making a mistake?

Be clear about what you claim to be protecting her from...

b/c it's NOT clear to me.

It reeks of control & manipulation, my friend.... all under the guise of "protection" or "trying to make things too perfect"...what? Hey, She's a grown woman who worked and supported YOU for 2 years. Were you making things too perfect? Of course not. And Who was protecting whom?

How important was it to you that your wife not make ANY mistakes?

You love them by nurturing THEIR interests and supporting them. ALSO By being your own person bringing something of your own to the table. Hobbies, interests, other than HER. Two complete whole people who blend and become better as one unit than as 2 separates BUT who are still complete themselves.

Otherwise you are a mirror of her hovering around basically wanting her to make you happy. Why do that? So she wouldn't leave? See how that's sort of backwards?

I'm going to post something to you from a WAW. Not all of it will apply to your sitch but SOME WILL.

Good luck!