~need advice with going dark~

[25yearsmlc]

Negril

if this behavior is so out of character for her, then I think there's a LITTLE more hope than with regular WAWs.

I resist labels a lot b/c I myself, wasted too much time on wondering about my h's MLC and whether that's what it was. Why did he feel the obsessive NEED to live in Alaska and the wilds, and how could he believe THAT would make him/us happy, etc. And those questions were the ones I asked when I felt decent.

When I was angry, which I was for some time, I resented him deeply. I hated
what I saw as selfishness that was far beyond what I could ever do to our kids or marriage.

And that^^ viewpoint, got me nowhere...I had 3 (three!) Mc's tell my h he was being "Selfish" and "acting like he had no family to consider". I'd feel vindicated and "right".

But it changed nothing in h. So what do I do with my being right??

DBing was what changed my mindset, and a workshop I had attended years earlier, I went back to and did 'Team" (help other newbies) and that got me back on track to taking charge of MY LIFE.

Like you, I have children and they are watching your reaction to this setback.

I don't know what happened to your ex, or how she handled losing custody. But now your d has the chance to see how YOU handle your setback. I pray that you make your d the priority here and that she gets to see a c and not feel responsible for any of this IF she's not.

At age 15, she's responsible for choices she makes, so if she's mouthy or if she triangulates (or causes problems between your w and ex, ) that has to stop.

Are your d's close to each other at all? Where is your sd now?

Finally, saying you complimented her for 9 years and it made no difference, that you'd tell her she looks beautiful in pjs and dressed up, does NOT mean she can't take a compliment.

Compliments from some h's are like pulling teeth. If the w doesn't beam with joy at a vague comment, the h gives up b/c he's not getting enough credit. I'm NOT saying you did that but some h's do. I posted to SM and suckerpunch about this.

Compliments require some specificity or they're not credible. Saying "you look great" isn't exactly a labor intensive compliment. I mean on one hand it's not rocket science but otoh, put a little thought into a compliment and make it count. Even if YOU don't get a payoff, that's not the point is it?

And even if you do not SEE her gratitude, don't discount that it exists.

WHY does she look great? By keeping her body in good shape? B/C her eye color is brought out by the blouse or scarf? Which outfit truly flatters her?

Don't say "you look great in ANYTHING" b/c even if you think it's true, it's sort of lazy to say. At least say what she looks even greater in...make sense?

Is she a good mother? Compliment that. "You sure are a good listener to d, and that's one of the reasons she trusts you/you're so close", etc.

is she artistic or smart (well informed) or musically talented or appreciative of good music (good taste) does she have a good sense of tasteful decor in the home? These are things that make a woman feel appreciated that are not the typical "you ALWAYS look great to ME" which is almost a self compliment...like she has to assume it's ONLY YOU she is always attractive to...

make sense? Specificity = believability.

That's^^ out of an acting class I took. Along with gestures and facial expression that are consistent with the words you use, it all adds up to being credible.


Imagine if you read from a script that had you telling your wife: "I love you"

Now, you might be tempted to think, "there, I said it"...

BUT you might be way off IF YOU ALSO looked at your watch while saying it.

Same words...very different meanings.

The physicality and the gesture of looking at your watch (and no eye contact) completely negates the words.

Do you hear what I'm telling you? When you do see her, and I know you will, when she speaks, you look her in the eye and you LISTEN like she's saying the most important words you'll ever hear. Then you make sure you understand her. You might have to re-cap her words to her to make sure you heard her right (and to buy you time in case you don't want to react in anger, which you do NOT want to do).

Appreciate what she HAS done that is positive.

As my DB coach said, and it's not easy to do,

"Applaud loudly for the 1% of positives she does" so if she sends a nice card to your d, or does ANY errand or keeps a promise, express your appreciation.

Build up her belief that you two can discuss SOMETHING and not fight about it. Have a conversation without any conflict. Even if it's only 5 minutes.

You want her to begin to feel safe enough to be around you...to get back in touch with your bond and friendship. IF the d's are at all close, focus on building on that.

It's good for them, and it MIGHT bring you into contact with your w but it cannot be THE reason for it. That's just manipulation.

I'm hoping that by your w seeing what a great father AND STEP FATHER you are, that you lovingly interact with them and are part of their lives, that she'll be moved.

I don't know a mother who would not be moved by that.

and it's the right thing to do. don't let her d believe that the only reason you were in her life was b/c of your w. Let her know you STILL Love your stepdaughter like your own d...you were her "dad" for 9 years, right?

and how is YOUR d now? How are the girls coping? I want to hear more about that from you. Did you ever thank your w for helping you get custody or was it sort of a thankless task for her? And did she have to support you BECAUSE of the custody battle? I was really not clear about that.

I'd like to hear something about GAL b/c you are way way too focused on your w.

You said you screamed "She cheated" from the rooftop when you found out she cheated. You did that b/c you reacted in anger and your wounded pride directed your conduct.

I don't know if that was a pattern in your m (you said you needed to be right and you'd correct her and let me tell you, that gets really old really fast. It's not loving behavior. Period.)

but you need to stop it now. And I think you get that. But point is, you have to stop letting your wounded pride direct ANY of your conduct. Okay?

It's wrong, it's a terrible example for your d and step d to see, it's unhealthy AND it's not helping!

No one word or gesture of yours will blow it OR make it work--unless you do something really nutty.

But I say, Give this situation way more time...let your w sort this puzzle out by herself.

You cannot stand over her shoulder and tell her where to put the next piece.

It's her task to do. OM does not matter. He's a symptom, not a cause. Not worth your energy or time.

Do NOT contact him or do anything out of anger or a hurt ego.

Rebuild your ego, GAL (we hammer it for a reason. IT WORKS!)

Plus, what do you think you are showing your d's about heartbreak?

If her boyfriend ever breaks up with her or she suffers any setback in life, which she will, are you showing her what a woman of strength and dignity does?

Or what an emotional shrew who's out of control and punitive, does? She already has her mother as one example. PLEASE contrast your ex's behavior with your own. After all, your ex probably felt wounded and reacted that way.

Now you are wounded. Show your d how to cope. Life isn't easy. Read on my thread about "Carol" b/c she is a centered happy woman who has NOT had an easy life. I also posted it to tadpole on "into the sunset" subject line of his thread.

Your d is watching you. Be a man of strength and honor. See if you can find faithful husband's post around here. They reconciled after his w had an A and they are quite happy. And it's been a few years since.

Also see faithisbelieving which did NOT end up reconciling but which showed the journey of a man who grew.

Same for Crimson's thread--I still think his w will return to their m but they're divorced now. yet he has grown SO MUCH that his xw is sort of dating him again...I mean, Crimson is a hero to me. So is Valeska and keep going. They really dug deep and looked inward.

Negril, they say the real journey in life in an inward one. Get on yours and learn what you can from this ordeal. It's the only upside--and getting close to your d.

There is still hope.

What happened in your first m and what did you learn from it?

before I close, btw, sidenote, your w supporting you for 2 years is a huge big deal. I don't get the feeling you deeply appreciated it. You sounded "entitled" and you seemed to focus on how hard YOU have worked but not on what SHE did for you. Don't do that. For one thing, you'll always see yourself as a victim/hero and neither is accurate or fair and it also cuts others out of the equation. Nothing wrong with thanking someone.

How appreciative were you? I have a feeling you rarely THANKED her for it. I mean, like in a genuinely big way. Did your pride stop you from fully handling the fact that your w was supporting you? Some men can't do it for long...2 years is long.

I supported my h while he was in medical school but he'd put me thru law school and yeah, there was definitely a pay off.

Maybe it's not too late for that "thank you"...?? Just to let her know you DO appreciate it. Is your present job better or paying you more now BECAUSE she supported you or did you go to school then or what?

I mean, why were you off for 2 years? Depending on the situation you MIGHT want to thank her but run it by here so we have enough info.

Try not to leave chunks of information out.

But like I said, there's still hope. You've NOT been at this for long by my timeline. Did you see my signature block below?

hang in there