Life, One Day at a Time (22 months)

[25yearsmlc]

Adinva,

I'll post in more detail elsewhere when I get a chance b/c there is so much in your posts to respond to!!

Let me just say this about the meeting yesterday...

How could it realistically, have gone better?
Minus the pee test (which I am not ready to totally devalue) the answer was that "yes your son has a problem (so he cannot blow it off as nothing or a phase)

but NO he's not an abuser yet"....sort of the perfect place to be IF you want him to take it seriously but without him being too far gone.

As for the urinanalysis, he's going to have to take them sometime in real life...and even more so if he ever gets caught or has a record.
So maybe there was a thread of value in it already that can get thru to him. Plus, you were united in outrage, right? Yay, you're on the same team!

As for the moving question, WOW that was an interesting one...he does worry doesn't he? And yet he wants to reassure YOU that HE will be alright...truly, I'm touched. I particularly LOVED your amnesty speech!!

My mc told me way back when, that if we were to divorce, I should minimize the number of changes the kids would have to deal with. He told me to stress the things that would NOT change, like not having to move, having the same friends, same neighborhood, same school etc.

It is ironic that in your son's situation, if HE gets caught w/pot or turns up positive, he could be forced to make those^^ very changes & it'd be b/c of HIS choices...not yours or h's.


Finally, one point about the bro showers I want to make. Regardless of whether it's to do drugs, experiment with sex, or urinate on each other (yet another sarcastic urban definition I found),
I noticed the mere suggestion that your son might be engaging in sexual behavior with boys, triggered several other posts.

All of those posts were resistant to the possibility. I think they ALL said they thought it was probably just drugs…as if doing drugs was FAR preferable. Far less frightening. Almost as if they were reassuring you that he's not GAY.. Well maybe he is & maybe he isn't.
May I remind folks that that we have gay posters here? Some of them have posted on this thread.

Also I have a gay/bisexual child. (btw, she's not the one who said "bro showers" are usually gay).

So one can argue that I'm overly sensitive to this, OR that I'm projecting. And you can do that if you like. I'd say it's the former, not the latter. I think I am sensitive to it more now for sure.
But I've come a long way in how I've handled this.

her coming out to me was a BIG deal to me and I had to handle it mostly alone. I cried & , I blamed h for not providing a good enough model for marriage, (and I still struggle with that belief). I also got some help and went to some PFLAG meetings.
Bottom line, I had/have dreams for each of my children, that may need serious adjustments, or releasing....but then, won't we all? Haven't we been facing that same adjustment to or loss of dreams, with our marriages?

But I mostly struggle w/my fears about her being hurt by people who think she's immoral or sick and needs to be fixed. Think of Matthew Shepard...it terrifies me that someone would hurt her.

I recall feeling embarrassed about her sexual preference. I wanted to hide it from family members (still do if they're hateful about it). I recall thinking it reflected poorly on ME that she might be gay.

Then one day when I picked her up at her volunteer job w/autistic children, I realized just what a beautiful compassionate young woman she is. I felt proud of her. And the thought of HER dealing with her own shame as she struggled with this, and all the turmoil she felt & the depression...

At that moment, all of my previous embarrassment, shamed ME...

I hope whatever your son is struggling with Adinva, and it's probably a lot of rejection from your h, I hope that he knows as we do, that he can count on your unyielding love.

((( )))