Work is extremely slow and that's usually a sign that I need to deal with my thoughts. It's prompts another step that I need to take.
For the past two months I have been in a really good place emotionally. I'm excited about life, work is good, and dating - is interesting.....
.. but in some ways I am feeling a little lost.. and here's why.
The last two years have been the most painful experience of my life. It stripped me of who I thought I was and left me wondering who I wanted to be.
It broke me.....
And now I don't feel broken. Of course there are still painful moments and my heart wounds are still mending.....
.... but I feel like I'm on my way. I feel like forgiveness is happening and more and more joy is coming into my life.
But most importantly - I know who I want to be and I portray that as my truth now. I still have demons for sure, but I am just Val. I no longer try to live up to the expectations of others, but of God alone (and myself at times).
I am now a woman with hopes and dreams who believes in a moral code that I refuse to sacrifice every again.
There is no problem really.. except for that I'm struggling to figure out how this new life plays into my mission statement of who I want to be.
When my crisis started, I didn't know how I was going to survive. I moved into a place that I couldn't financially afford, my support system in my life was yanked out from me, yet I was provided for. I started working more and more and God blessed me with the most wonderful friends. I started mending my relationships with my family....
... all during this horrible experience.
And because of that, I felt so grateful, so inspired. It was easy to see who I wanted to become because it was constantly being shown to me... so in turn - I was working on showing those things as well.
Please don't get me wrong - the grace hasn't stopped and the amount of compassion coming in is still overwhelming....
... it's just not as constant.. and it shouldn't be. I'm not in crisis mode anymore.
I'm still VERY thankful.. I'm just struggling to find that same amount of inspiration.
Because truth be told.. even though I'm a thinker... I'm a doer. Love to do lists, love gameplans.
But maybe its not in the form of amount or maybe its not even about receiving it.
So once again I am asking for your thoughts... your council....
Because they don't really talk in DR about what happens when working on yourself...um.. works!
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
