Tired of Dealing with MLC

[rosesarered]

I am starting a new thread, this time in the MLC forum. Here is my old thread from Newcomers:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2326956&page=1

Here is a quick recap of my story.

H and I have been separated since last Easter. H moved out of the house in July. So it had been almost a year. I have witnessed the MLC stages. It has been over-whelming yet fascinating. He has gone through the Denial and Anger. I believe he is still in Replay combined with underlying depression. Although he is not as depressed as he was before. He is no longer angry but he is still searching for happiness. He does this by exploring different interests. right now he is working on opening a Chicken Food Truck. He is also considering investing in Restaurant in NY. This is very unlike him (the old him).

H comes home for dinner every night. We take turns making it. He stays until 9 or so and then leaves. He comes home most weekends to hang out with the kids. H still says he is trying. He does bring me gifts now and then. H primary love language it acts of service and giving gifts. (Mine are physical touch and quality time). I do see the effort there from him. Problem is that I just want to spend time with him, go on dates etc. I know - zero expectations.

I have a lot of built up resentment towards him which I am working through by going to yoga and other GAL activities.

The other week, we had an incident which you can read on my other thread, but as a result, he took the kids all weekend and next weekend I have them. After that, we will go back to normal he say.

Last weekend, he took the kids all weekend. It was the first time I slept in, in 9 months. It was great. I kept busy all weekend.


Am I enabling this behavior by letting him come home every night and on weekends. Am I being too nice. The kids really enjoy him and want him around. Also, for the most part I enjoy having him around. Last night we all played darts as a family. It was fun.

I am supposed to have the kids this weekend. He asked if he could come over for lunch on Saturday to make the kids lunch and hang out until we have to go to a Bday party at 2. Should I tell him no.

Last week, I told him that I couldn't do this anymore and that I was exploring D. He seemed to agree at first, but then started pushing back and sharing the ways he is trying and still wants to try. But he is the one that left. He left the discussion by telling me he would think about what I said. So last night, I just brought up again that we need to think about splitting our joint account and credit cards. He looked at me in disbelief and said fine. He said, but its all the same, isn't that the last thing you do in the process. I said, no, a Lawyer will tell you its the first thing.

I think that he thinks that he can just live like this forever. He asked, Why does it have to be all or nothing. Why can't he come hang out and spend time with the kids, etc.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the MLC board

Since you have been posting and reading here for a while maybe you have already seen my normal MLC welcome post and done all the homework.

Please let me know one way or the other and I can re-post it for you if you have not seen it.

As far as him hanging out with the kids if he is really in MLC then he is just not ready for it yet.

They progress at their own pace not the one that we want them to do.

[Pmac21]

Hang in there. I am divorced for 11 months now. It's awful. I wish I had found this site before the D was final. Don't give up.

[rosesarered]

Hi Cadet - I have seen it, and read it and re read it. Its very helpful, thank you for all that you do.

You are right, he is definitely not ready for us and I need to be more patient. I am just getting to the end of my rope. Positive note: My confidence is back up and I do have an acceptance of the situation. I am traveling for the next few weeks. Going to VT for a week with the kids. He is not coming. Then I am back for a week. Then head to the UK for work. Then back for a couple of days. Then off to FL for work. I think I will just wait until I get back. Its all just so frustrating.

[rosesarered]

Well H just called to check in. He is going out with all of the neighborhood guys tonight which he hasn't done in a while. Only 2 of them know our situation, no one else does. I was surprised H called, he hasn't called just to say hi and check in, in a while. He had a strange day at work and told me the story. He asked about my day and the boys. Even though this weekend is supposed to be my weekend with the kids. He asked to come over and join us for lunch.

Any, I have lined up a bunch of GAL activities this weekend. A girlfriend is coming over with her kids for wine and sushi tonight.

[AJM]

Roses, I hope your evening went well. Sounds like it was a great idea.

Keep your seatbelt on, Roses. This is not a ride for the faint of heart, but know you can get off the ride any time you are ready. That's going to be a while though, most likely.

Try to remember that you can't reason with him. You can't point out what he's doing. He won't do anything about it and part of him is not listening. It'll help to think of things that way as you continue on.

What was the strange day about?

AJ

[rosesarered]

Thanks AJM. Things at his work are not going well. The President of their firm who lives in another city came down to their office and told him and his partner that they were not growing the business. H and his partner opened this office a year ago. Although they are doing well, they were supposed to hire additional lobbyists to join the firm and they never did.

Additionally, H had lined up an investor to invest in his food truck idea. That also fell through on Friday. So I think it was a rough week for him.

H said he had fun on the night out with the neighborhood guys. He left early around 11. Then on Sat. when he came home for lunch. He asked if he could come to the boys swimming practice. He has never been in 2 years. So of course I said yes, that he would be proud of how well the boys are swimming.

I had a great time on Sat with friends coming over for dinner. Today, I took the kids on a hike with some neighbors. I saw H at swim practice. We just got a chance to catch up. He walked 16 miles today. I think he had a lot of things to sort out in his mind. He told me that he wants to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro.....WHAT....he is not a hiker. This is just so unlike him. I just stared at him in disbelief. He wants to join this expedition in December on his 40th birthday. I was a little stunned and he said he would need to train, etc. Then later on in the conversation he sort of recanted and said he wasn't sure if it was something he would do. Seriously, I don't know who he is anymore. I tried to be supportive. He seems to be constantly searching for something.

[AJM]

Yes, Roses, he is searching for "something".

He seems to be constantly searching for something.

Trying to be supportive is a good way to handle this. Remember that he is not happy. No matter how much he says otherwise. That'll help with the compassion.

Sounds like he is making a bucket list...

Peace,
AJ

[rosesarered]

So there is a big neighborhood event this weekend and most people I know are going. So I asked H casually if he wanted to go, and he said yes. I know that I am not supposed to pursue but I expected an out right no. I had no expectations. So I was a little stunned when he said yes. Now I am glad that I did ask.

Now I am off to find a baby sitter. Again, I will still have no expectations, and I know it doesn't mean anything.

I bought some paints today so I can start painting. I am exploring a new hobby for me.

[rosesarered]

Journaling...earlier today I was feeling very down, and super confused. I have been cycling through different emotions. Two weeks ago, all I wanted was out. I was ready to drop the rope. After my discussion with him, after I told him I was going to move forward with filing. He has been super nice. He said he has been trying...and I guess I am holding on to that and I don't know why. He doesn't seem to be pushing for a D. But he doesn't seem to be wanting to reconcile either. After yesterdays conversation, he is still swirling deep in the fog. I am still amazed he wants to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro. Now I wonder if I am going to regret asking him to go to this event on Sat. Even though I will have no expectations, its hard not to get my hopes up just a little.