Woke up early this morning and managed to finish "Love Must Be Tough." It was a little one dimensional (focuses a lot on affairs), but definitely tied into my current mindset.
I found the discussion about mutual respect enlightening. It seems like common sense but I don't know that I ever looked at it quite that way before. For those who haven't read it, the basic idea is that if your spouse is disrespecting you (i.e. having an EA/PA), and you allow it, their respect for you continues to erode and therefore, so does their attraction to you.
My basic advice to Regret in her sitch was to "grow a backbone" and now I can see why I felt that way...definitely goes to respect. When my W did it, I actually became more attracted to her. I had more respect for her than I ever had, and therefore wanted it to work more than ever.
I've been in limbo for a long time now and I can see now that the reason why is that I wasn't ready to let go. I think you really do have to be ok with the M ending (i.e. opening the cage as Dobson called it). You really do have to love and respect yourself, and convey that to your partner.
