Those are good thoughts! I wasn't as complete in that post as I would have liked on second thought, and you picked up on many missing things.
I think one of the big things that happened to me in this is my mind was opened to be able to acknowledge the coexistence of different perceptions of reality.
Prebomb I handled a lot of things in a way that reflected my strong sense of rightness. After years of ineffective attempts to get H to meet my needs I had settled into reactivity, short temper, passive aggressiveness, and I did not see how to make things better because I was not looking at ME I was looking at what was wrong with HIM.
"Too Late" was a bad paragraph. I was thinking "too late for the marriage" because that's what we all come here thinking. If I change x and y and go to counseling we can fix this. Sometimes we can't fix the marriage by doing these things. But it's never too late to be a better person, to build bridges toward your spouse or ex, to learn where your joy really comes from and tap into it. It just may be "too late" to be able to turn around this marital relationship before divorce.
In my case, that's a good thing. I came here willing to do ANYTHING to stay married to my H, willing to accept almost ANYTHING from him if he would just not leave, confident that I could single handedly turn us into a better functioning couple that would stay together, "eyes on the prize." Right now I actually stand a better chance of that happening than I did in 2011, because I've learned to understand and let go of a lot of anger I was holding, I've learned not to shoot myself in the foot so much with my communication style, I've taken a lot more responsibility for who I am and what I want to be. I feel pretty sure if H changed his mind before any of that happened, we might have stayed miserably married for possibly a short time before it blew up again.
Oh yeah, I was going through the motions. I was only happy when I was escaping, if I'm completely honest with myself.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
