~need advice with going dark~

[Negril72]

wow... ok I am going to attempt to answer all of that..

First you are right.. I was posting on Jp's thread.. and I did respond to you on there already but from now on I will stick to this thread.

I am assuming that it is MLC... and there is no way I can prove it is.. but because of her actions.. her behavior from the person she has always been to the person she is now I would have to say it is... her morals and values have been tossed out the window. Our friends have all said they can't believe she is doing all of the things she use to think were wrong and bad for a relationship.

I do believe that she loved me very much at one time.. and still does deep down. Yes I have a good job now.. but for a period of our relationship I didn't.. she was supporting me and was happy to do so. We always had a very high respect for each other like that and would do anything to make the other one happy.

"There are layers of other emotions that are fogging that for her now. I don't know enough to tell you if it's anger or resentment or a low self esteem (or all those which are often combined)"

I believe that it's a combination of all those things. For the past year she has been talking about feeling old and ugly.. She has resentment me for my daughter coming to live with us. one day while she was spewing her anger towards me she told me she was happy with her life the way it was and didn't want it to change. But all the years leading up to my daughter coming to live with us she was first in line to support this and make it happen for us to all be a family.

I would have to say the biggest change with me over the past year was that I had been working too much... and because of it I haven't been near has happy and cheerful like I normally would be. That's not to say I coming home every night yelling and screaming and kicking the dog... nothing like that. If anything I was more quiet..... exhausted. But we had talked many times about me working so much and she knew the reasons why I was being different. We would still go out and do stuff every weekend.. dinner.. shopping.. hanging with friends. .
I was never the perfect husband.. nor was she the perfect wife. But we were better than most. We talked all the time.. sit in the hot tub nightly and talk for hours.. I am starting to wonder if I was as good of a listener as I should have been... because obviously I was missing something that she was trying to tell me.

So one I would say I need to listen more.. stop always trying to be right or correct her.

I need to stop trying to be a fixer all the time. I have to separate my need to love and protect her... and just be there when she needs me to be instead of always trying to make things perfect for her. I realize now how much pressure this was causing her.. too much love .. sounds like it would be a good thing but it's not.

I need to learn to relax more and enjoy life... to find my own happiness... I was living in the motto" happy wife... happy life"

I use to laugh and giggle... be more a simple man.. stuff never really got me down regardless of what it was.. but I do know lately I was letting the stress of life keep me from being the happy go lucky guy I use to be.
I know that my W has said many times that is what she loved about me the most.

after reading all of what you wrote it does make me look more at myself. seeing changes I need to make. As for her noticing them? I can't see how she can when we don't even talk or see each other. At least for now we aren't. It's also hard to make changes for her when I am not 100% sure I am making the ones that bugged her the most. it's not like she sat down and listed a bunch of stuff when she said she wanted to leave.. she was saying that this was for her happiness.. that she had to go out and do it on her own. she needed space to see who she was.

The problems or changes that needed to be fixed could have easily been fixed if we stayed together. But she decided to have an affair and run away. why do they feel they need to do this rather than work on the marriage?

I am still in FEAR of letting go of her... even though she has let go of me...... that's the next step I need to get over.