Life, One Day at a Time (22 months)

[adinva]

I was thinking about Rock today. I've been here for a pretty long time and I think sometimes we're just not quite ready to see something a certain way yet. When I first arrived someone who sympathized with or even humanized what my H was doing would have gotten my outrage. I know there are a bunch of times I've gotten really mad at Cat or Crazyville or someone else coming at me with a perspective I was not ready to hear yet. Even if it's dead wrong, not applicable, irrelevant to your case, if you feel your blood boiling over it it's not as clearcut as you'd hope to think.

But you can only see it when you can see it. I sympathize with the newbies who come here and get told how bad they were and what they need to work on, when they're nursing the biggest hurt feelings imaginable and feeling very badly treated. I learned pretty early on that wallowing in that wasn't going to get me anywhere. I also couldn't stick around the MLC forum, for all the good I can clearly see it does people, for me the idea that there was an alien inhabiting my H, or that he acted like all WAS, and was to be pitied and barely tolerated until and unless he snapped out of it, that did me no good either.

I feel like I have no control over much, and I just kind of have to keep living right through what happens, because feeling like I could have controlled it was an illusion anyway. I know for sure I have the power to make things worse, but I definitely don't have the power to make things better in my R.

To me, my H is doing a 100% wrong, wasteful, harmful and needless thing. But to him that is just as convinceably not true. And no matter whether all the world said I was right I'd just be right, and in good company, and divorced. And the fact of the matter is, while his faults are more visible and easier to judge, mine were there too. I like to thing that they're absolved because I've worked on them, but sometimes it's too late even if you worked on them.

I like to stick with what's productive, and for me I have lots to work on learning to coparent with my H, learning to meet people (like my kids) more where they're at than where I'd like to pretend they are, and working harder to understand what's really important in life. I am SO not there yet. If my h doesn't come back for 10 years I have plenty to be busy with to let him sort out his own demons.

Anyway, Rock I think I've been harsh with you and I do understand how raw and new this all is to you. Sometimes it feels tempting to think we know better where you need to get and want you to hurry up and get there. It just doesn't happen on anyone's schedule.