bkyln, thanks i know - but what it just seems as if he is not hurting at all..as if things just keep going his way....... but then i shouldn't be concerned about what he's doing........just what i am doing for my son and me you hang in there too it has to get better
G, trust me when I tell you, things are not all rosy on his side of the fence. How could it be when a man just ups and leaves his family when that is something you never thought he could do?
He is hurting, G. He is in crisis. I wouldnt want to be him for all the money in the world.
And you love him, right? So, if some things are going his way, that's not a bad thing. You dont really want to see him suffer.
You are right. You are putting too much energy worrying about what his life is like and that is energy better spent on you and your son.
urworthy...thanks....you are always very encouraging and it lifts my spirits to hear from you
i don't know...given my h's history, i should have expected this
his parents have been married multiple times mother leaving when he was just 3, and he will swear that he has no issues with that
the vengeful part of me hopes that nothing is great for him then the other side, the side that truly loves him, wants him to be happy it's very confusing but i'm getting thru it thanks again
Grr, I am so glad if I can lift your spirits in any way.
Many people go through a kind of awakening midlife. We kind of take stock and see how we want to live the second half of our lives.
But for those people like your h and a lot of the other spouses we hear about on here, who have had catastrophic things happen to them in their youth, like a mother leaving them a three, it becomes a crisis.
And they have to go through all this and hopefully reconcile the broken parts in order to get to the other side.
G,we all have an angel and devil on our shoulders at times. I understand your confusion, but I would guess that you wouldnt really want things to go horribly for him.
He is hurting you and your son, but, he is the man you love.
And I know that you have trouble accepting this at times, but, he is hurting, too.
And the loving thing to do is to let him go. He needs to see this thing through.
No matter which way it turns out, you will be ok, G.
//and this is where i beat me up because maybe i could have done things differently well of course i could have//
One thing that really bothers me about this site is the rejection of the idea of "Good Enough". The constant mantra of "what can you do to improve", "What did you do to drive him to an affair", "how did you contribute to the failed marriage"
I understand the importance of a little introspection, but at some point, what is wrong with wanting to be loved for who you are just the way you are. You deserve that. Were you perfect? Who is? Where, however, is the line for "Good Enough"? Don't beat yourself up.
Rock... it is NOT about the idea that Grrr (or anyone) was not "good enough"
it is the idea that we can always be better
certainly, unless we were abusive a$$holes, we were good enough HOWEVER...why should we be good enough when we can be better...
and
we are not being better FOR our spouses...
we are being better FOR OURSELVES
I DESERVE TO BE BETTER FOR ME...to be the best me that I can be...to only bring good into my life, to push myself to even better than I thought I could be, not for someone else's benefit but for my own...because I deserve the best.
Grr...
I am in a much healthier, happier, peaceful...better all around place than I ever was when I was with my ex-husband. I have a life filled with joy where I am cherished and where I see love everyday. It is amazing.
and yet
there are times when I wonder...what if...
I think it is the nature of humankind to wonder...to 2nd guess ourselves...to imagine different scenarios, (and I say this coming from a place of NOT wanting to ever go back there...of being so much happier and healthier and at peace)
there is no magic answer we can give that will change the course of events, no magic eye opening moment where the light of truth hits us and we recognize the error of our ways...life isn't a book or a movie with tidy endings and plots that are wrapped up
life is messy and muddy and tangled, like a maniacal slinky, plummeting down a mud covered ladder into a puddle fille dwith crabs whose job it is to twist the slinky into metal knots that you can't ever seem to untangle. It is terrifying and exhilarating and you can't wait to send it down the ladder again (after you figure out how to untangle it)
Rock, I dont know if others have used the words you have, but, that is not the way I see what many of us are saying.
The thing is, none of us are perfect. And this journey allows us to really take a look at ourselves. And let's face it, we do have to own the things we could have done better in.
Because if you dont, you run the risk of continuing in that pattern and that might not be good.
I believe we do the best we can with the tools and knowledge we have at the time. When we know better, we can do better.
That is in no way saying that Grr or anyone else is not good enough.
It is saying that we get to look at ourselves and change the things WE think we need changing. For us.
I am not belittling the importance of introspection and personal growth. I just think that when you are in a marriage, your spouse should accept you warts and all. They should be part of that process of growth. Especially, if you are willing to change. When A spouse doesn't communicate their issues and just walks away, it is unreasonable and unhealthy to constantly take the blame and focus on:
"//and this is where i beat me up because maybe i could have done things differently well of course i could have//
Work on becoming a more loving, giving, mature person - Yes. Beat yourself up for not being perfect - No, none of us are.
Rock, I do not want to continue this on Grr's thread nor do I want to get into a war of words.
The quote you keep making is how Grr feels. No one has agreed that she should feel that way. If you read the responses, you will see that everyone told her she should absolutely not be beating herself up like that.
