Be civilized with STBX

[mstoadswildride]

Thank You. I appreciate your advice.

Getting a haircut on Thursday. Going to hit some golf balls and trying out boxing tonight.

[mstoadswildride]

Hi,

I got the DB buster book and started to read it.

I am stuck. H wants a divorce and the papers should be signed soon. The book sounds like the divorce isn't finalized I still have a chance, which I don't. OW is still in the pictures.

So I am feeling like a third person reading this book.

Thoughts?

[AnotherStander]

I am stuck. H wants a divorce and the papers should be signed soon. The book sounds like the divorce isn't finalized I still have a chance, which I don't. OW is still in the pictures.

So I am feeling like a third person reading this book.

Thoughts?

DR is written like it's geared towards married people who are still living together and just hit a bump in the road. But the principals can be used for separated people, people who have never been married and even divorced people. DB'ing is all about attempting to save your marriage by first saving yourself. It shows you how to work on yourself, make yourself into a better person, get your self-confidence and self-esteem back and in the process, hopefully attract your spouse back. Even if you don't get your spouse back, you still emerge a better, stronger, more independent person.

And it's not over until you decide it's over. Couples have reconciled even after divorce.

[mstoadswildride]

Thank you. Having a hard day today. STBX returned from China. Reality has hit that the girls and I are going to lose our home(because he insists on selling the house), I just put my 13 year cat down a few days ago, losing my dogs because I have to move and the worse that he just returned visiting his girlfriend.

How come they don't have any consequences for their actions?

Right now, I really don't want to be friendly.

[mstoadswildride]

The past week has been one heck of a roller coaster ride. I tell myself each week,there will be a new drama & trauma mixed with good stuff.

But let me share with you all the goods stuff first from last week:

* my hairdresser gave me a new hairstyle. It looks great! She is a widow of two years. Tells me today that she is engaged and will be married in 6 months. It gives me great hope there is someone out there for me.

* signed up for LA Kickboxing. I beat the crap out the punching bag. Ended up with bruised knuckles. Owner of the gym said, "Dang girl, you got some anger in you." Got myself some new boxing gloves. It felt so good. This is something that is my own.

* Met with a old co-worker. We caught up on life. Laughed, cried, encouraged each other.

* Attended my first "puppy" shower. I can check it off my bucket list. The guest of honor(divorced for 14 years, no kids), adopted a puppy. So her girlfriends gave her a puppy shower. Then had a pleasant nightcap with my girlfriend at our favorite swanky restaurant(it helps when the owner likes you ;))

Then Friday comes:

* I started feeling antsy, agitated, scared. STBX is returning from China. Reality hits. I am going to lose my home!! Panic Panic.

* D22 calls to see how I was doing. Shared the above feelings with her. She tried to comfort me. Said to her that she is not here to see what is happening with her sisters and I. D22 loses her temper and starts yelling at me. Accused me of child abuse. I abused her, her sisters and her FATHER. How did I abuse her? I spanked here bottom with a spoon.

I couldn't imagine what I was hearing. I ABUSED my family? I know I didn't. It hurt me to the core. I wailed, I screamed, I bunched up in a ball and couldn't stop crying. Is this the excruciating pain people go through when they find out they lost a loved one?

What would have been my response to D22 a year ago? I would have yelled, become defensive, reminded her of all the stuff she has done.

Instead, I told her calmly, I am hanging up right now. Your anger and how I respond will only be hurtful. I am very hurt by what you said to me.

I gave myself 48 hours to calm down and gather my thoughts. I sent her a following text: " Not trying to ignore you. I am sorry I hung up on you. I felt things need to cool down before more hurtful things are said. I am trying to find the correct response. I appreciate you expressing your feelings and feeling the comfort to say what you said to me. I am only human and I did the best I could to raise you and your sisters."

D22 response: "I know you did your best and I am so sorry I hurt you. It was mean of me to explode like that. Please know that I'm working through my issues & I understand that you love me & never meant any harm. I love you very much & I deeply apologize for hurting you. I do hope we can develop a deep relationship and I will do my best to come from a place of compassion rather than anger from now on.


Taking one day at a time. Tired right now. Will do another post for the weekend & interaction with STBX.

[mstoadswildride]

The house is slowly getting ready for the market. I feel sad and yet ready to move on with my life. Divorce should be finalized this week. Waiting to hear from my lawyer.

STBX has been at the house, painting, repairing and moving items to his storage. I'm doing as little as possible since he is the one that wants the house sold. I gotta find a place for my girls and I.

D17s room is beautiful. She put photos, insightful quotes, Christmas lights, amazing drawings on her wall. STBX took one look at it started crying and saying to D17 how sorry he was that we had to move. A week later, he primed the walls and painted over it. I just made sure that HE was the one to paint the wall and not I.

The whole house is in a preparation upheaval. Symbolic like the way his life is.

Trying to stay cheerful, respectful when interacting with him, dressing stylish, not offering any info of my whereabouts, short conversations,going out with friends, took up kickboxing, complimented him when I truly meant it.

Last week, my friends informed me that he changed his relationship status on FB to "it's complicated"

He is still calling me his wife and "we" can do this or "we" can that. He tried to hug me too.

I had to set some boundaries. I said, "I am not ready for a hug" and there was no "wife" and there is no "we". He looked like a hurt, sad little child. He just looked awkward.

His response:"Acknowledged, I just thought it would be easier this way."

He wasn't invited to D15 Birthday party on Saturday. He ended staying and helping prepare dinner for birthday party. He stayed a little while and took off in his U-Haul Truck.

Sunday, I went to church and did some Birthday shopping for D15. He kept painting. My girls and I were hanging downstairs in the kitchen being goofy, acting silly while preparing dinner. D15 said her friends loved last night's dinner. I responded that it was dad that prepared it not me. Then she looked at her dad and said, "You did a great job dad!! My friends loved the dinner you prepared." Classy little girl

Before he left last night, he said to me, "You are a great mom." I said thank you. Trying to show my girls that even though dad f-uped, I can still demonstrate some respect and paving a road for the girls to have an on going relationship with their dad.

[mstoadswildride]

He came by today to help move stuff before the carpet cleaners come tommorrow.

He hung around to chat with the girls and I. I did my own thing, no pressure for him to stay or not. He wanted to know what I was doing, how my work is, glad that I am enjoying life.

He shared with me what a mess his brother is in. His B is going through a full blown mid life crisis.

Weird that the divorce is happening this week.

[AnotherStander]

How come they don't have any consequences for their actions?

It's pretty common for the LBS to feel like they're doing all the suffering while the WAS is living a perfectly happy and carefree life, and therefore it's not "fair". But the truth is the WAS is suffering and in pain even if they're not showing it on the outside. They're going through a lot of turmoil, asking themselves if they're really doing the right thing, seeing the pain they're visiting on their kids and family, etc. You may see denial on the outside, but inside they know what they're doing and they're hurting over it. The LBS feels inclined to react to this with anger and frustration, but actually the right thing to do is meet it with compassion and love. THAT is what paves the way home for the WAS.

* my hairdresser gave me a new hairstyle. It looks great! She is a widow of two years. Tells me today that she is engaged and will be married in 6 months. It gives me great hope there is someone out there for me.

* signed up for LA Kickboxing. I beat the crap out the punching bag. Ended up with bruised knuckles. Owner of the gym said, "Dang girl, you got some anger in you." Got myself some new boxing gloves. It felt so good. This is something that is my own.

* Met with a old co-worker. We caught up on life. Laughed, cried, encouraged each other.

* Attended my first "puppy" shower. I can check it off my bucket list. The guest of honor(divorced for 14 years, no kids), adopted a puppy. So her girlfriends gave her a puppy shower. Then had a pleasant nightcap with my girlfriend at our favorite swanky restaurant(it helps when the owner likes you ;))

FANTASTIC GAL activities!! Keep it up! There are a LOT of people around here that would do well to follow your example!

I am going to lose my home!! Panic Panic.

It's natural to feel that way, but your panic is based simply on fear of the unknown. Just try to keep telling yourself that everything WILL work out!

I abused her, her sisters and her FATHER. How did I abuse her? I spanked here bottom with a spoon.

Unfortunately that's the world we live in now. What used to be viewed as necessary discipline is now being touted as "abuse". Just to get on my soapbox for a moment, you would be amazed at how many of these do-gooders calling this "abuse" do in fact have no children of their own. There's nothing like actually raising kids to drive home to a person the importance of a spanking now and then!

Is this the excruciating pain people go through when they find out they lost a loved one?

For me that was a lot easier to go through than this. When someone dies you grieve a while and then move on. But when you get hit with BD, it's a lot harder to move on because you're stuck in limbo, not knowing what to do. That's the value of DB, it helps you to move on in a way that might ALSO save the M.

[mstoadswildride]

I have seen STBX way too much the past 3 weeks. The house is going on the market. He is coming by to paint, put things away. Getting the rooms ready for the carpet cleaner. I just want a few days to myself!!!

When he is around, I try to be pleasant(it's hard to stay on your best behavior 24-7), being funny, talk about the interesting customers at the bank I work at. Keeping it light, letting the girls spend time with dad. I want to to see that I am comfortable and want them to be comfortable around dad.

A few days ago, he was reluctant to leave. Hung around, just chatting. He has not paid this much attention to me as this past week. The girls snuggled up to him, he helped with d17 homework. I stayed out of the way so they can have dad "time". Did my own thing.

I figured it was better for him to stay here and hang out then hanging out with his MLC brother. lol.

I casually asked about how his brother was doing. For someone that is PA, he wanted to let me know that the girl his brother dating is a giant mess. His brother is acting like a 55 year old teenager. Insecure that no one likes him. My comment to this was,"It's hard to have others like you if you don't like yourself."

STBX says,'Hmm, that is really insightful." Ah, the irony of the situation.

STBX has showed up to D17's two school events which surprised my d and I. Didn't expect him to attend, but d17 was glad he showed up.

He's been really nice. But I am going to keep on going on. It just cracks me up that I want space.

[mstoadswildride]

Today, STBX came over the paint the inside of the house. I took off, went to my boxing class and beat the crap out of my punching bag. I got bruised knuckles to prove it!

Before I left, I asked where his brother was. Are they doing Easter together? It seems BIL has gone to crazy girl's home up north for family Easter. It should be interesting.

So I said, I spoke to SIL and she says the reason why they are divorced is because he wanted to date other women and wanted her to date other men. SIL says no way and filed for divorce.

STBX is quiet for a second and said, "My brother's dating is the result of a bad marriage. I don't try to understand him." WTF? Sudden gaslighting, amnesia and how can he spin that so quickly and justify it? This is a brother that they get along 95% of the time and they don't talk?

Guilty Guilty Guilty. Both brothers are cheaters and STBX is still covering for his brother.