Escape from Hades

[trainthruhell]

Still together:

W and I are still working on things. Everyday is a little bit better than the day before. W admits that what is going on has nothing to do with me or the Marriage, it's all in her. She is in a funk, is stuck, and knows it. She is seeing a therapist once a week, (one of my conditions) and we are making time for each other to talk, something that has been missing for awhile.

About a week after she came back she broke down and admitted to the EA she had been having with the OM. The conversation was like this:
Me: "I know, I've known for a while now."
Her: "Why didn't you say anything?"
Me: "Because the telling had to come from you. You needed to face the facts."

I wasn't to upset, but (as TSquared2 mentioned), my last condition was absolutely no more communication, None. Cut off completely. She agreed.

I've been learning a lot about myself, able to express myself better, especially in times of stress or anger. Before it was getting very angry or going into radio silence, both of which are not very constructive. I have learned to be aware of the way I feel and express myself better, more toward middle ground. W has told me she notices that I have changed for the better.

Granted my antennas are always up, and we still have a long rode in rebuilding the trust we had. I have told her that I want to walk that path with her next to me, however, we are not there yet, I seem to be out in front right now and she needs to catch up. I have told her this and she agrees. But as of this moment, I am in control of myself, not afraid to ask the questions, and not scared to go down the road by myself if it comes to that.

Therapy and reading has helped quite a bit. I read the "The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts" by Chapman and it resonated with me. Made a lot of sense. While I was doing "Acts of Service", my W was looking for something else. I realize that now and am working toward the goal.

I tell people, while this has been the worst time in my life, in many ways it has been the best. I believe one of the best things you can accomplish is to understand yourself and realize the only thing you have control over is how you react to things. I have much hope and no expectations. I now go into situations with minimal expectations and it helps settle me.

It's been a tough road but I am glad I am here.

Still working.