Well that's part of what makes me hesitant to label it as an addiction - he doesn't spend any "family" money. He's very controlled with his gambling budget.
Ummmm....you are married, and he's spending money gambling. That IS family money that could be used for the FAMILY. I also wouldn't be surprised if you found out there's a lot more money involved than you know. His behavior sounds very addictive. Have you run a credit check to see if he's got credit cards you don't know about?
He uses his biolife money - from donating his plasma.
He has always had me handle all the financials - for instance his paycheck is direct deposited into a checking account he isn't even on. (I personally don't like this for his sake. If I were to suddenly die he'd have to go through channels to access his own money.)
In my opinion, the issues with gambling are "other" than financial. It serves as a distraction so he doesn't have to pay attention to family, spouse or even his "inner demons".
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I am not sure exactly "what" the addiction is? Yes, I know he gambles - but am not convinced its "an addiction". It doesn't appear to be a compulsion.
He doesn't smoke cigarettes. He rarely drinks, and then its perhaps one beer, or one glass of wine. He doesn't do drugs. He doesn't view porn. He doesn't go on spending sprees.
What he does is throw himself into various interests. In the 20 years we have been married he has
* spent hours building small watercraft out of pvc and fiberglass.
* spent hours and hours golfing - was hellbent on joining the seniors tour.
* spent hours and hours playing and coaching ice hockey.
* spent hours and hours building an enormously successful business
* spent time pursuing other women
* spent time coaching soccer
* spent hours and hours and hours building our house - BY HIMSELF
* now he spends time gambling.
But as I posted earlier, MOST of the time is in "preparation". He plays a software simulation game and keeps track of every statistic you can imagine - entering them into vast spread sheets and spending more time analyzing them. He started with $300 of his biolife money and now has $1700. When he goes gambling he keeps more stats, comes home and enters THAT info into spreadsheets too. He says he sees "patterns" and honestly, I do believe, its these "patterns" that addict him. He only plays black jack or Texas Hold'em. No bets on sports, horses etc.
So WHAT would you say he's addicted to? Projects?
Don't get me wrong, when I say he spends "hours" I mean every free minute goes into whatever the pursuit of the year is. And I don't think this is mentally healthy because he does whatever "it" is to the exclusion of his family. And the ow pursuit, well THAT is certainly damaging to the family.
I just don't see where this falls into traditional "addiction" treatment.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I told him that we are simply "roommates" then - and that he'd be doing his own cooking and laundry etc.
Still insists ow is "just a friend". I presented the following paragraph sent from ow to my h
"You know what .... I am so exhausted that this just mskes me feel like giving up..... "H"... I need you... I want you... I feel so alone right now... Lonely.... I need to sleep ... I need to work out.... "MizJ" is wonderful woman why u dont love her i really wish i knew.... Maybe you do?!!! I love you "
"Oh she's just an emotional person. She just talks like that."
Told me I should have to "drop" all my friends too then.
Told me "getting rid of ow won't fix things"
I said I don't even care about that any more. Said that getting rid of her MIGHT buy him the two years he wants.
Kept calm and cool for about 95% of the conversation.
So it was left that he's "thinking" about it.
OW never called back. OW's H has not contacted me.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Stop trying to fix H. If you want to force the issue, you have plenty of cards to play. But no immediate rush. Whatever decision you make can wait a week or two.
Right now, focus on yourself.
Who knows what H's problem is. It certainly sounds like some kind of process addiction or minimally addictive behavior to me.
What matters more here is that you show many signs of deep co-dependence. Try 5 meetings of al-anon. They're free. Why not?
Um, wait a second. Deep signs of co-dependence? But go find some help in dealing with that? But don't have the conversation right now about how you want him gone (or at least to stop with the OW?)
That seems like a lot of mixed messages to me. I'm a big fan of not talking while angry. But I'm also a fan of knowing when a line has been crossed. If that is co-dependence, then I'm confused.
The other behaviors? It sounds like you are more of a mom figure to him than a W. But letting him know you won't be second choice doesn't seem out of line with getting things..well, back in line for you.
Did I miss something in this exchange, OT? Anyone?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
So, the question then becomes what to do about it, right?
Choices?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I think we agree, really. I think it is FINE to set a very firm, clear, non-negotiable boundary about OW. But, this doesn't really seem to have happened. *Maybe* H will do it, maybe not. She's keeping his gambling secrets, and so on. She has at least that card to play and maybe others. My suggestion is just that she get a bit of stability and perspective before deciding how or whether she wants to force the issue. I'm not talking about a lot of time either. My concern here is for MizJ's sake -- she needs to take the space and time to figure out how to handle things in the way that best meets her needs. I'm not at all concerned about H getting extra free time on the clock.
I agree that it is a healthy thing for MizJ to recognize this as a non-negotiable line that has been crossed. But what is the consequence? H has to cook his own dinner? I think more is called for, a firmer boundary. But H still seems to be calling too many of the shots unilaterally. I think MizJ would be well-served by boundaries. Better to take a few days, get some support, and do what is best for her than to act rashly to fight H's reactive crap.
I also concur: it is better for MizJ personally and for her M that she step out of the line rather than wait in second place.
