Here we go loopty loo. Here we go loopty li.

[Raine]

AJ, I've been reading some of your archives, and amazed at where you've been and where you are now. Your words have helped me so much. Thank you for taking the time to care. It means a lot.

Okay, I'll take what you said, every bit of it. It's that battle between my heart and mind, and that's difficult to manage when my heart and mind start changing opinions. What the world says, verses what MLC is, verse my feelings for him, verses my buried pain, vs the thought of dumping it all and running away to a new place and a new existence far, far away. Hiring a nanny, working remotely from a beach, traveling the world. Maybe I will someday. ^^

I've thought it good to post what I'm feeling, even though what I'm feeling may not always be the right approach, or what I would recommend to someone else, in a moment of clarity. It keeps me from acting I guess, and keeps me in perspective, that I am doing good, but don't kid myself that I've still got much further to go.

At the end of the day, the focus always goes back to loving these cute, silly boys, and how at some point this life altering moment of time is just going to be a blip, overshadowed by a happy and exciting new life.

S8 has started talking to me like he is 14. I look at him sometimes and wonder where he came from. His vocabulary, his thought process, just blows me away. This time has allowed me to develop deeper, individual relationships with each one. I love how open they are with me and how they just want to hang out and talk to me about anything and everything. I never want to lose that. I am so glad they are so happy and are handling things so well. This time with them is a gift I would not have taken otherwise.


The latest...

Boys asked to call H before bed last night, and they did. Once again he sounded horrible, like I had woken him up. He texted me after to say thanks, that he didn't realize how much he needed that. This made me anxious. I asked him if he was okay and no response, so I called him. The depression was thick. (Even more than I was picking up on, because friend told me later he called her yesterday to talk him down from a ledge.) I told him I was concerned about him, and he said he gave up that right to burden me four months ago and that I need to just think he is fine and not worry about him. That he'll do anything to make me feel assured of that because he doesn't want me worry about him. We ended up talking about nonsense and he sounded much better after.

Today he says he is doing great!